Tonight when Max came running into the Crashdown and all I could say was “you’re hurt”. Tess was able to heal the scratch on his cheek. She is the one that left with him, Michael, and Isabel and went to the pod chamber to try to revive Nasedo. She can do that, she can help him, but what could I do? Stand by and watch, just like I did the last time they revived Nasedo. She can give him things I can’t. She can help him in his struggle. I can’t. Whatever hope I had of being with Max is now gone. Those flashes I had earlier tonight mean nothing now. It doesn’t matter what we shared in the past. Max has a destiny and I have to be strong enough not to stand in the way of that. I have to stay away no matter how much it hurts.

Journal entry four…Sept. 11th
What am I going to do? Maria is driving me absolutely insane, I mean I love her and everything, but she won’t accept my decision to stay away from Max. I’m trying not to be mad at her. I know she’s having a hard time right now. Michael is being so distant. She loves him so much and he won’t let her in. But the fact that’s she hurting doesn’t give her the right to interfere with my life and my choices. I just wish she would stay out of it. I guess it doesn’t help that her and Max formed a friendship over the summer and she wants to help him too. I feel like I can’t even talk to her about my decision, because she’s pulling for him and she doesn’t see why I need to stay away.

When Maria was driving me home tonight, we saw Max walking with Tess. Seeing them together…I know Maria will find out why he was with her and explain everything to me tomorrow, but I don’t want to know. I don’t want to find out. I can’t keep doing this. I need to separate myself from him and create a life of my own, but I can’t do that if Maria insists on pushing me toward him.

When I saw them together tonight, I felt my heart break, it took me back to that night I saw Max kissing her in the rain. It hurt so much. I’ve decided that I’m going to stay away, and I have to be strong and stick to that decision. Tess and Max were literally made for each other. She can help him in his struggle, I can’t. Maria insists that he cares nothing for her, but that doesn’t matter. My decision to stay away is what’s best for both Max and me, but seeing them together, it just hurts.

Journal entry five…Sept. 12th
I hate Tess. I do, I hate her. If she and Nasedo had never come to Roswell, Max and I would be together and Max would be safe. Okay, maybe that’s not the case, without Tess and Nasedo, we never would have escaped the FBI. I just wish Max and the others had never used those orbs. I wish they had never found out the truth. If they had never used them, they would be safe and I would be with Max. It’s selfish of me, but I don’t care. I want to be with Max. I want things to go back to the way they used to be.

It’s useless to wish though. They did use the orbs. They know why they are here and nothing can change that. I hate the situation that Tess and Nasedo have brought about, and I hate Tess. She tore my life apart. I know she didn’t do it with malice, but it doesn’t change the end result. I know she’s just trying to live the life she was created for, but by doing so, she’s ruined my life.

Tess and Max have a history. A history I don’t understand and they don’t even remember, but it’s still there. It’s not something I change or overcome and that is why I walked away.

Maria of course informed me that Max was walking Tess home last night to keep her safe, and that he has no feelings for her. I wish she would leave it alone. I know she cares about both me and Max, but she’s been my friend a lot longer than Max’s, she should support my decision and quit being an advocate for Max. It doesn’t matter why Max was walking Tess home. It hurts to see them together, but I’ve made my decision. I have to stay away from Max.

My journal lately consists of nothing but my thoughts on Max. I got a new journal for a fresh start, but somehow it doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I’ll consider this my transitional journal. I’ll use it to help me get over Max and when I finally can move on, I’ll buy a new journal. But you know what, I somehow doubt there are enough pages in this journal to help me get over Max. At least I have my new job with the Congresswoman and she shredded all the alien files today, so maybe she’s given up on her search for Max and the others. I feel so bad for her. She really seemed to care about Pierce. I made up a story that Pierce left a voicemail so she wouldn’t look for him and maybe she could start dealing with the fact that he’s never coming back. She was really angry with me for erasing the non- existent voice mail. I didn’t know what else to do though. I thought that if she never heard from him again, it would be worse somehow. She was really upset today. I found her drinking in her office and by the looks of her, she seemed to have a lot to drink. Nasedo really did a number on her as Pierce. I can relate to her pain even though mine came about in a different way. It did feel good to tell her about Tess. She of course has no idea of the real situation, but she supported my decision to walk away. She seems to understand my need to be in control of my life. That’s more than Maria has done.

Journal entry six…Sept. 13th
Here I go again, another entry about Max. I guess the best way to explain what I’m feeling right now is to go through what just happened step by step. When I walked into the Crashdown a few minutes ago, I saw Max sitting at a table with Tess. Even though I’ve decided to separate myself from Max, seeing her with him still hurts and that pain will probably never stop. I do wish they wouldn’t hang out at the Crashdown, but there’s not much I can do about that. At least I don’t work there anymore. I wasn’t going to stop and talk, but I guess Max saw I was upset and came after me. I tried to tell him that Maria told me nothing is happening between him and Tess, but that doesn’t even matter. What we had together is in the past and Tess isn’t the only reason I walked away. I wanted to tell him that I can’t be a part of his life or his struggle and he has to accept that. But he didn’t let me explain. He said he was coming for me. That he didn’t care about his destiny or his home planet or anything. He wasn’t going to forget about me or get over me, ever. When he said that, my heart soared, just for a second I thought it could be. But you know what, it doesn’t matter what he wants or what I want. His destiny has chosen him and there is nothing he can do about it. He can’t run from it. It’s all around him now. By running from his destiny, he’d be running away from Michael and Isabel and that would never happen. He’s not going to make it easy for me to stay away, but somehow I must. I guess I’ll have to be strong enough for the both of us.