Fanfic - Crossover Stories
"Oh My God, Max Healed Kenny!"
Part 1
by Chris Baker
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters--I am only borrowing them. Roswell characters are the intellectual property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims Productions. South Park characters are the intellectual property of Trey Parker and Matt Stone. However, this can be considered a parody; and the Supreme Court has ruled that parodies do not constitute plagiarism.
Summary: Things in Roswell get a little weirder when the boys from South Park pay a visit.
Category: Crossover Stories
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: This story takes place after the last episode of Roswell's first season. I have given Kenny an audible speaking part. This is the only fanfic I have seen which includes Milton, the owner of the UFO center Copyright 2000, 2001 Christopher Baker
Jimbo, Ned, and the boys went to the UFO museum the next day. The museum opened at nine, and they were the first visitors.

"This is so lame," Cartman complained. "There are no aliens on this planet."

Milton came up to greet his first customers. "Good morning, I'm always interested in meeting young UFO-logists. You are the future."

"This is a bunch of crap," Cartman continued. "You just do this to make money."

"I am a scientist, young man," Milton responded calmly. "And if you are not interested in learning more about this, let those who do want to learn hear what I have to say."

"How do these aliens mate?" Kenny wondered.

"Well, we haven't found out much about how aliens reproduce," Milton answered. "We don't know if they live forever or die. We don't know if they reproduce."

"Are some of them as fat as Cartman?" Kyle Broflovski asked. "What do they look like?"

"Take a look at the pictures here," Milton held his arms open. "We have many theories."

"Do the women have big breasts?" Kenny asked. Milton ignored him.

"My little brother was once captured by aliens," Kyle recalled. "We were playing kick-the-baby, and they grabbed him after I got on the school bus. They also gave Cartman an anal probe."

"That's a lie," Cartman defended.

Milton just had a blank look on his face.

"He was farting fire after they gave him that anal probe," Stan added.

"Did this really happen?" Milton asked calmly. "Or are you boys just making this up? I don't think this is a time to be telling jokes. This is very serious business."

"I certainly thought that if anyone would believe us, you would," Kyle complained. "Chef did."

"That's what I've been trying to tell these guys," Cartman stated. "I never had an anal probe. They were really mean to me. They tied me up by Starks Pond and used me as bait. I think you should tell them to stop teasing me. It's hurting my feelings."

Max is about ten feet away.

"I bet he can tell us about the sex life of aliens," said Kenny, pointing to him.

Milton looked over and said: "He just works for me. Max, come over and talk to these boys."

The boys couldn't take their eyes off Max. Max came to them.

Milton put his arm around Max and declared. "Someday, I am going to reach out and make contact with an extra-terrestrial being. I am going to give that visitor a hug and say: 'Welcome to Earth.' I will have the last laugh then.

"Max, these boys are interested in some of the more personal things about alien life forms. Would you like to talk to them?"

"Why not?" Max asked.

"Their minds are in the gutter," Milton whispered in his ear.

"So, what do you boys think about this?" Max wondered.

"Are you well endowed?" Kenny inquired.

"What?" Max responded.

"Uh, maybe we should be a little less personal," Stan suggested. "What happens when aliens kiss?"

"Nobody has ever studied that before," Max claimed. "Why don't you boys see what you can find?"

"Do you have a girl friend?" Kyle wondered.

"Yes, I do," answered Max, never resisting the chance to talk about his beloved Liz. "I have the most wonderful woman in the world. She's the love of my life and my best friend."

"Dude," Cartman said, "you are weak."

"You'll change your mind," Max predicted. "What does this have to do with aliens?"

"I think it's all a bunch of crap anyway," Cartman stated. "I'm just here because I'm with these losers."

"You guys are friends?" Max was puzzled by their concept of friendship.

"I have a girl friend," Stan told. "But I puke whenever I try to kiss her. Does that happen to you?"

"No, it doesn't," Max laughed. "I get some strange feelings in my stomach and all throughout my body, but I have never thrown up."

"Does that happen to her also?" Kyle inquired.

"I think something very special happens," Max declared. "I wouldn't trade those moments for anything."

"You're whipped," Cartman told. "She'll be the death of you."

Those words bothered Max. He started to wonder if they knew more than he wanted them to know.

"Actually she is the life of me," Max affirmed.

"What happens if a human has sex with both a human and an alien at the same time?" Kenny wondered.

"There is a whole lot that we still don't know about the aliens who crashed down here in 1947," Max was blushing, for the first time in his life. "If you guys are interested in this particular area of alien studies, I recommend that you follow it. But we know very little about how aliens reproduce. Would you guys like me to show you around here?"

"We can look around ourselves," Stan claimed. "Let's go, guys."

The boys walked away and explored the UFO center. Milton was talking with Jimbo and Ned.

"I'm sorry about those boys," Jimbo apologized. "They're just having one of those days. They're itching to get to some real alien hunting."

"I'm glad they're interested at such a young age," Milton stated. "It's whatever tickles their fancy. Where are you from?"

"South Park, Colorado," Jimbo responded.

Milton got excited. "My goodness, South Park! There are many reports of paranormal activity there."

"Do you have any information about it?"

"All the information here is related to Roswell. I don't have any."

"So, what happened in South Park?"

"Well, there have been reports of beings from parallel universes appearing there. I also heard about people from a planet called Marclar landing there for a couple days, and they took some humans back with them. Would you like me to tell you more?"

"If there were aliens in South Park," Jimbo claimed proudly, "I would know about it. Has anything been published about this? I didn't even see anything in our newspaper up there."

"I don't know of any publications. You should look into this."

Jimbo paused for a few moments and decided to lie: "Maybe I will. Thanks for your suggestions."

"My pleasure."

Michael showed up at the museum about a half hour later. He found Max cleaning some of the exhibits.

"Good morning, Max," Michael couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Good morning, Michael," Max responded calmly.

"I'm coming on the camping trip unless you don't want me there," Michael declared.

"Why wouldn't I want you there?"

"Because of all the terrible things I've said and done."

"I knew you were just hitting your bottom."

"Tell me how you would feel if you killed someone."

"You can feel whatever you want," Max was softer again. "I'm only concerned with your actions and with your words. Those are up to you, whether you want to believe that or not."

"Why do you two put up with me?"


"You and Isabel have always been there for me. Why? Haven't you ever thought that you might be better off without me?"

"Never. We've shared too much. Why do you ask?"

"Tess asked me that," Michael recalled.

"Tess isn't particularly tactful."

"I'm glad she said that. It put everything into perspective. It made me realize how good you and Isabel have been to me. You're the only family I've had."

"Thank you."

"I've got to go to the Crashdown, but I will see you tomorrow morning."

"Definitely," Max waved to him.

Michael began his day's work at the cafe. Max continued his work at the museum.

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny huddled up in a quiet part of the museum.

"He's definitely an alien," Stan stated.

"Most certainly," Kyle agreed.

"Do you think we'll get to see them do it?" Kenny wondered.

"We've got to tell Uncle Jimbo," Stan insisted. "But I don't know if he'll buy it."

"It's not like he'll ever get any closer," Kyle predicted. "Why wouldn't he want to follow the only lead we've found?"

"He won't be happy about us spying on Liz and Max," Stan commented. "He'll want to know why we were doing it."

"We could tell him that we were playing 'Rear Window.' We'll tell him that Cartman was playing Jimmy Stewart."

"How come I'm the one who plays Jimmy Stewart?" Cartman protested.

"Because his character was in a wheelchair and immobile, just like you," Kyle claimed.

"I'm not immobile," Cartman argued. "I'm just slow and steady. That won the race for the tortoise."

"I think that's a good story," Stan agreed. "We'll tell him we were playing 'Rear Window,' and we were expecting to see a murder. Instead, we saw two teenagers making out."

Jimbo, Ned, and the boys left the museum at about 11:30. They all got into the truck, and Jimbo drove out of the parking lot.

"Uncle Jimbo, what have you found?" Stan wondered.

"That Milton is a real geek," Jimbo answered. "He also says there are aliens in South Park. That's bull. If they were there, I would be the first to know."

"There definitely have been," Stan recalled. "Remember when the Marclars came down. They took Starvin' Marvin and his tribe back to their planet because they had plenty of food there."

"Don't forget about when they kidnapped my brother, Ike," Kyle added.

"And what about the time we met the evil Kyle, the evil Stan, and the evil Cartman from the parallel universe?" Kenny remembered.

"There was also the time," Cartman told, "when the blachmanges came down and started to turn tennis players into Scotsmen because they wanted to win Wimbledon."

"Cartman!" Kyle said, "that was on Monty Python's Flying Circus. That didn't really happen."

"Uncle Jimbo, we think the guy in the museum is an alien," Stan stated.

"Milton is strange enough to be," Ned suggested.

"Not Milton," Kyle responded. "That Max guy was. We saw him kiss his girl friend. When they kiss, they both glow."

"That's more outrageous than what Milton told me," Jimbo complained. "Where did you get those imaginations?"

"We saw it happen," Stan repeated.

"If there are aliens here, they're not lovers," Jimbo claimed. "They are cold-blooded killers, bent on the destruction of the USA. It's my patriotic duty to seek them out and destroy them."

"Why don't you just kill Mexicans instead?" Cartman wondered. "All they do is go on welfare and take my hard-earned tax dollars."

"I didn't know that there was a tax on body fat," Kyle taunted. "Is that what you get taxed for, Cartman?"

"I'm not fat," Cartman argued. "I'm just well endowed."

"Uncle Jimbo, how do you know these aliens are killers? Have you seen them kill?" Stan interrogated.

"They've got to be killers," Jimbo rationalized. "Why else would they be here, except to get a piece of the American pie? They are taking jobs from American citizens. They are an invading force. They don't belong here."

"If they can build a ship and travel from outside the solar system, perhaps we should want a piece of their pie," Stan commented. "What would they want from us?"

"But if there is a possibility," Kyle proposed, "that this guy is an alien, shouldn't we at least check it out? All we have to do is watch them or follow them. We may see him do something again."

"There is no possibility," Jimbo affirmed. "I think we should examine other ones."

"What other possibilities?" asked Stan, well aware that there were none. Jimbo was quiet for about a minute.

"I guess they're the only possibility," Ned stated.

"I guess so," Jimbo reluctantly agreed.

Jimbo, Ned, and the boys returned to the hotel.

Later that evening, two other visitors from South Park arrived in Roswell and checked into the same hotel as Jimbo, Ned, and the boys.

Prologue | Index | Part 4
Max/Liz | Michael/Maria | Alex/Isabel | UC Couples | Valenti | Other | Poetry | Crossovers | AfterHours
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