FanFic - Crossovers
"Oh My God, Max Healed Kenny!"
Part 2
by Christopher
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters--I am only borrowing them. Roswell characters are the intellectual property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims Productions. South Park characters are the intellectual property of Trey Parker and Matt Stone. However, this can be considered a parody; and the Supreme Court has ruled that parodies do not constitute plagiarism.
Summary: Things in Roswell get a little weirder when the boys from South Park pay a visit.
Category: Crossovers
Rating: PG-13
Authors Note: This story takes place after the last episode of Roswell's first season. I have given Kenny an audible speaking part. This is the only fanfic I have seen which includes Milton, the owner of the UFO center. I had a lot of fun writing this, and these are about the only two shows I watch on television. Copyright 2000 Christopher Baker

I'm going down to Roswell,
Gonna have myself a time--
Little green men everywhere,
Flying saucers crashing down.
I'm going down to Roswell,
Gonna leave my woes behind--
Alien hunters with no lives,
People shouting: "Howdy, visitor."
I'm heading on up to Roswell,
Gonna see if I can't unwind--
I like aliens with big antennas,
I like aliens in gray space suits.
So come on down to Roswell,
And meet some friends of mine.

Max knocked on the door to Michael Guerin's apartment. Michael looked through his peephole and saw Max. He opened the door. Tess was there, too.

"Max, you could have called," Michael frowned. "It's rude just to show up like this."

"I came to deliver an invitation," Max announced. "Hi, Tess."

"Max, how are you?" Tess wondered.

"Fabulous. Liz and I are great," Max smiled.

"That's just great, Max," Michael spoke louder. "Keep pursuing lost causes and impossible dreams."

"Kyle Valenti has invited us to a camp on Smith Lake," Max explained. "He would like us to come spend a weekend there. He's our host. He wants everyone there."

"Why don't you just tell everyone about us? Take out an ad in the Yellow Pages: 'Max Evans--alien for hire. Call 1-800-HEAL-YOU.' Let's hear it for Max Evans. You're a super hero. You should wear a cape. It's Max Evans up in the sky. He's able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."

"It's Jim's camp. Liz and I have already accepted his invitation."

"So, it's Jim now. You and the Valentis are the best of friends. You all should go bowling."

"He would like you and Tess to come," Max remained totally calm, "along with Alex, Maria, and Isabel. Liz is talking to Maria about it now."

"You do whatever Liz tells you to do. Don't you?" Michael was getting angrier because he didn't appear to be getting a reaction from Max.

"We're meeting at the Crashdown, Saturday morning. It could be a great weekend. How do you feel about this, Tess?"

"Tess wants you more than Liz does," Michael interrupted.

"Actually, I will talk to you later, Max," Tess answered, remaining as calm as Max had been. "But it does sound like it might be fascinating."

"Get it into your head, Tess," Michael scolded. "He isn't one of us."

"Well, thank you for listening," Max still spoke calmly. "I'm going to talk to Isabel. I will be at home. You can call me there, either of you."

"Good night, Max," Tess smiled.

Max left the apartment. He was proud that he had exercised such self-discipline.

"Aren't you going to chase after him?" Michael asked.

"Why?" Tess wondered. "I can go see him later."

"You know that Kyle probably just wants to jump down your pants," he suggested. "Are you going to turn human, too?"

"You don't know very much about me. I have tried to help you learn to use your powers the way you can. I know you didn't get a manual. I am blessed to have learned what I have learned. But I realized that in many ways, when I met you, Max and Isabel were much more educated than I am.

"I had no idea what it means to be a friend when I met all of you. I have observed all of you very closely and have absorbed valuable lessons. I certainly had no idea what love is. But I now understand why Max should be with Liz instead of with me. I see love everywhere, and I am happy that I am just getting the chance to learn from all of you. I am not going to pass up the chance to spend some fun time with them. I'll finally get a chance to act like a kid."

"Then go with them. I thought you were on my side," Michael stated.

"The only thing about friendship that I can't understand is why Max and Isabel put up with you. I know that you stole Maria's car, that you went to meet with Topolsky after saying you didn't want to meet her, that you broke into the museum and the sheriff's office, and that you walked out on them after they invited you to stay with them for a couple days. Why do they put up with you?

"I've had enough for the night, so I will go and give you a chance to think about all this." Tess left.

Maria had stayed to clean up after the Crashdown had closed. Liz had left to meet Max. Working took Maria's mind off her situation with Michael. Liz went down to see her. Maria was getting ready to leave.

"Hi, Maria, how are you?" Liz inquired.

"Good," Maria answered. "How about you?"

"Max told me that I'm his best friend," Liz reported.

"You have his heart and always will. I wish I could say that for mine."

"Max has said that Michael has been pretty crazy lately. He said he is avoiding just about everyone."

"That sounds good. I pity any woman who would get involved with him. I hope I'm the last one who has to suffer. Nobody should have to suffer like that."

"Kyle stopped by to see me. He has invited everyone to come up to his father's camp on Smith Lake for the weekend. We have agreed to meet here at eight on Saturday morning. He is actually happy for me and Max."

"Are you kidding?" Maria wondered. "Kyle has given you and Max his blessing. I suppose you're going to tell me that they connected when Max healed him and that they're going to become a couple."

"He sounds interested in Tess."

"I should call him so I can talk him out of it. I find it easy to believe. Kyle would go for that type."

"He knows about her and what she is. He didn't seem all that phased by it."

"Is Michael going to be there?"

"Max seriously doubts it," Liz paused, not knowing what to say. "Michael doesn't want to associate with any humans at this point, I guess. I'm sorry, Maria."

Maria started to cry. "I guess it's over."

"Maria, I know I may be Max's best friend. But you are my best friend. I love you like a sister. Come have fun with us. We'll have more fun with you than without you."


"If Grandma Claudia were alive, she would tell you to go."

"I love you, Liz. You are my best friend."

"Let's go to the parlor around the corner and get some ice cream," Liz suggested and took her by the arm.

"That's a great idea."

Maria left with her. Liz locked the door.

Isabel Evans had been waiting for Max to come home. She was like a mother waiting up for her son when he was on a date. She wanted to know everything. Max walked in.

"Hey, Isabel," he greeted and smiled.

"Hi," she wondered, "how did it go?"

"Outstanding," Max paused. "Kyle showed up."

"What? How is that outstanding?"

"He told us that we're a good couple."

"As if things weren't weird enough already."

"You could say that," Max laughed. "Maybe they'll get even weirder. Jim has a camp at Smith Lake, and Kyle has invited us for the weekend. He wants to hang out, swim, and just have fun. Liz and I are going. I think Tess wants to go. He wants you, Alex, Michael, and Maria there as well."

"So you save Kyle's life, and now the Valentis are your new friends?"

"He said that he just wants to make it up to us. He seemed to feel guilty about what has happened. He felt responsible for everything that has happened. He also likes Tess."

"I'm glad he's honest about Tess. Kyle can keep her company."

"Liz probably thinks that, too."

"I know what Alex will say," Isabel predicted. "But what about Maria and Michael?"

"Michael will definitely come. He's hit bottom right now. There's nowhere for him to go but up. He hated the idea. He always changes his mind, but he's so predictable."

"But what about the two of them together?"

"He's reached a climax. I could tell. It's scary that I know him that well."

"I hope that I get to I know Alex that well. I'm really happy that we've opened our circle, Max."

"Thank you, Isabel," said Max, hugging Isabel.

"I'll call Alex."

Isabel went to her room and called Alex Whitman. Max stayed in the living room and read a book.

Kyle Broflovski, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny were all sitting at a table in the ice cream parlor when Liz and Maria arrived.

"Look who's here," Stan whispered.

"I may go talk to the blonde," Cartman said. "She's the hot one."

"Are you serious?" wondered Kyle, also whispering.

"Watch me after I finish my ice cream," Cartman answered. "You guys are so lame."

Liz and Maria got their ice cream and went to a table to discuss their weekend plans. Because of the high booths, the girls hadn't noticed the boys yet.

"What do you think we'll be doing at Smith Lake this weekend?" Maria wondered.

"I don't know," Liz admitted. "I have to say that I was kind of wanting to do a little more with Max this time."

"You're not serious about that," Maria stuttered. "What do you think will happen when Czechoslovakians and humans do that?"

"I don't think Max will ever go for it. But he'll see it in my head the next time we're together."

"Doesn't that scare you that a guy can see into you like that? He knows everything about you."

"I call that intimacy, Maria. I love that feeling. If we're already intimate spiritually, why shouldn't we be intimate physically?"

"You don't know what might happen. How do you know birth control will work. This is dangerous."

"Maybe we shouldn't be talking about this," Liz wondered. "I know this hurts you. I know you will have what Max and I have. You have a big heart."

"Thank you, Liz." Maria looked over and noticed the boys. "Those boys are here."

"I wonder how that one is doing. I am flattered that I have the power to make men throw up."

"You actually got a kick out of that?"

"Let's go over and see how they're doing."

"Are you nuts?"

"Let's look at this from a business standpoint," Liz suggested. "They are paying customers. They were in my restaurant. I have to show them compassion."

Liz approached them. Maria reluctantly followed.

"How are you boys doing?" Liz wondered.

Stan vomited again. The other boys were surprised that they had come over to see them.

"I'm alright," answered Cartman, who hadn't finished his ice cream. "Hey, blondie, would you knit me a sweater and iron my shirts for me?"

"I can weave my own clothing out of thin air," Maria claimed. "I can reverse the process as well. I could take your clothes and make them disappear."

"Cartman naked? That would be extremely obscene," Kenny told.

"You're not an alien, blondie," Cartman responded. "That's a really bad joke."

"I was just with a guy who says he doesn't like those kind of jokes, Maria," Liz reminded.

"Who was that?" Maria asked and paused. "Oh, yes, I know what you mean."

Liz pointed to Stan and asked: "What's his name?"

"He's Stan," Kyle answered. "I'm Kyle. He really does puke when he's in love. He does it every time he tries to kiss his girl friend Wendy."

"I do not," Stan fired back.

"Yes, you do," Cartman started to sing. "Stan is a puker. Stan pukes when he sees Wendy. Stan pukes when he's in love. Stan is a puker."

"I think he's a nice boy," Liz told. "And I bet he's the only one who has a girl friend here."

"Actually I heard a rumor about Cartman and Stan's sister," Kyle claimed.

"Hey!" Cartman shouted.

"Cartman also got captured by aliens once, and so did my little brother," Kyle continued. "My little brother was fine. But they gave Cartman an anal probe. He was farting fire."

"That's bull!" Cartman yelled.

"And I thought Roswell was a messed-up town," Maria sighed. "I'm glad I'm not from yours."

"Well, I think you guys have a lot of things to talk about," Liz commented. "I'm going to leave you all alone. Good-bye."

"Good-bye," the boys said together.

Maria and Liz left the ice cream parlor. The boys left a few minutes later.

Tess went to see Max. She knocked on the door. Max answered.

"Tess, please come in," Max insisted.

"I'm really sorry about Michael, Max," Tess apologized and entered. "But I think he's getting better."

"I do as well," Max agreed and closed the door.

"I definitely want to come."

"I think Kyle is interested in you, Tess. He doesn't seem phased by the fact that you're one of us."

"That's good. He is somewhat intriguing."

"Before I saved Liz, she and Kyle were together."

"Interesting," Tess smiled, as they sat down. "I hope he's like you."

"Actually, Liz is about all we've had in common. He told us that he's happy for us."

"I am as well, Max," Tess began to cry. "I have had all these ideas planted in my head about destiny, but you and Liz belong together. It's hard to give up what I've been told all these years, but that's what life is. I know nothing about love, but you and Liz are love as I would like it to be for me."

"I really hope you find someone."

"I know that I can't get love by putting visions into a man's head. I hope all of you will forgive me."

"I do. Just let love happen, Tess. It can do that." Max hugged her.

"Love is much more precious when it's earned."

"Yes, it is. Is Michael okay?"

"I left him alone with some things to consider. I need to go, Max."

"Thank you for coming by."

Tess left.

Maria went home and found Michael sitting outside the front of her house.

"What brings you here?" she asked, after she left her mother's car.

"You live here," he answered.

"I thought you were here to buy some of my mother's alien swizzle sticks. That's such a disappointment," Maria said. "If you think I'm taking you back, you're wrong. I'm not going to let you hurt me ever again."

"That won't happen."

"You ended our relationship, just like that. I have feelings, Michael. You can't just breeze in when it's convenient and then leave when it's too complicated. It's for better and for worse."

"There are better things to do than fight with you."

Michael stood up and gently touched Maria's chin. He reached around with his left hand and pulled her closer. He placed his mouth on hers and began to feel her resistance, but he had no doubt she would submit.

Maria's heart and mind were at war. Her mind was saying: "He said he loves you. He's only afraid of hurting you." Her heart was saying: "Don't get hurt. Don't let him in." The civil war made her helpless. Michael had divided and conquered once again.

"I love you," she whispered. "Let's go back to your place."

"I love you, too," he admitted. "But I want to talk."

"You're scared," she wondered, "aren't you?"

"I killed a man, Maria. Who wouldn't be scared? I'm Michael, and I'm a killer. I'm going to turn into something like Nasedo. I can't believe I spent all that time searching for someone like him. What kind of person does that make me?"

"Killing Pierce was the most human thing you have ever done, Michael. You killed a bloodthirsty barbarian who had no regard for life. What else could you have done?"

"I don't know."

"If you hadn't done something, other people might have died, people you care about. Whose life is more precious--Max's or Pierce's?

"I wish nobody had to make choices like that," Michael still spoke calmly. "Why do we have to do that? I don't want to do that. I just want to live and be happy with the people I love."

"The fact that you're so upset about this just shows how human you are, Michael. You're more human than Pierce. If you hadn't killed him, how many others would he have killed?"

"I don't know."

"All you did was turn the killing back on him. He started the killing, and the killing got him. It's only completing the circle."

"I learned something this evening."


"I once told Max and Isabel that there is no such thing as unconditional love. I was wrong," he started to cry. "There is such a thing as unconditional love. I have three wonderful people who love me unconditionally."

"Let's go to your place, and I'll hold you all night," Maria suggested after about a minute of silence.

"You got the car, sweetie. Get a move on," Michael said and slapped her on the butt.

They drove to Michael's apartment and slept in each other's arms and woke up at about 7:00 the next morning.

At about the same time, a car with two occupants was leaving South Park.

"The mission awaits us," the passenger said.

"I welcome it," the driver responded.

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