FanFic - Max/Liz
"Premonition"
"Home"
Part 5
by Shedwyn
Disclaimer: No. I do not own Roswell, or any of the characters. Unfortunately this would also include the actors who portray them. *sigh* Jason and Brendan are safe from my grasp *pout*
Summary: Max's Point Of View of his break up with Liz from my story "Premonition"
Category: Max/Liz
Rating: PG
Authors Note: OKů this is the first piece I've written to follow 'Premonition ', with more to come. I'm trying to find my way back at this point and this is my first attempt. So if you haven't read the first 4 parts of 'Premonition', please do before you read this or you could get lost and I really don't think I could handle the confusion of another person. *grin*
I don't know how long I sat out there in the jeep. I vaguely remember walking to the front door, climbing the stairs to my room, silently. I don't quite recall getting undressed and climbing into bed, though I know I must have because that's where I am now.

My mind has been occupied with thoughts of other things. Thoughts of tonight. Thoughts of Liz. What she did. What I felt I had to do.

I've been in love with Liz since I was 6 years old.

I started school that year with Iz after being adopted by the Evans. I was petrified, more than even she could understand. Isabel was happy. We had a home, we had parents that loved us, and now she was going to meet more people that would fall in love with her. She needed to know that people liked and admired her.

I just wanted to disappear.

I remember getting out of the car that day and wishing that I were anywhere but there. There were kids running around having fun. Squeals of laughter. And I wanted nothing more than to be home alone in my room. Then I saw her.

She was talking and laughing with a Maria, and suddenly, I didn't want to go home anymore. I didn't want to be alone, unless I was alone with her.

Just seeing her made me feel as though I had a place in this world.

When she took my hand and introduced herself to me in class that morning, I knew there was no other place in this universe that could ever mean more to me.

"My name's Liz Parker." She smiled and then asked softly "What's yours?" "Max Evans." I whispered. I looked up and saw those big chocolate eyes looking into mine.

I've been hers from that day 10 years ago. Liz has always had this light about her. A glow that makes me feel like I'm home. I have wanted nothing more than to just be near her. That's always been enough for me. There could never be anything more, I've always known that. I was different. Liz and I could never be together. But I could dream.

I could hold my breath when I saw her in the halls at school.

I could memorize her face, the way her hair falls like silk around her shoulders, the way her beautiful eyes light up when she smiles.

I could count the endless moments that filled the days during the summer... before I could see her again. I could do that.

And then there was a bullet.

And suddenly there was possibility.

The possibility that Liz could accept me, feel the same way about me. The possibility that we could be together. And I forgot everything else but the possibility of being with her. No matter the danger. No matter the risk. And I was willing to risk everything. And it wasn't until tonight that I realized that by risking everything else in my life, I was risking losing her. The chance of seeing her... Meeting her eyes across the room and seeing her smile.

Knowing that she was alive, talking, laughing, somewhere in the world, even though I may not be able to see her.

Tonight I realized just how much Liz cares for me. That she would risk her life to save mine... One moment my heart feels like singing. She decided that my life was worth risking her own to save.

I know the kind of love that has to be there to back up that decision. I've experienced it first hand.

The next moment I feel fear. Excruciating fear. She is willing to risk her life to save mine.

Her life.

I've been watching her. Dreaming about her. Capturing her image in my mind for 10 years. And to think that if we couldn't have saved her tonight, that's all I would have of her. Memories.

So I went to her and I told her goodbye. Told her that I couldn't live if anything ever happened to her.

I said that it wasn't even safe for us to be friends. I wouldn't have her putting herself in danger again.

And now I'm lying here in my bed. Alone. Doing what I've done every night of my life it seems.

Thinking of her. Thinking of what could have been between us...

And I've realized something...

She is home to me. I wish I could have gone to her. Wrapped my arms around her and finally told her, after all these years, that I love her. That tonight I almost lost her and I never want to be apart from her again. No more wasted moments. That's what my heart was telling me to do. But I can't turn my back on the danger that she's in.

And every moment we spend together, the more I fall in love with her, the harder it becomes to say goodbye, the more I fear that being with me is risking her life.

But I know deep down that I will not be able to stay away from her forever.

I'll always feel the need to come home.

Maybe something will change. Maybe the danger will go away and I will be able to start living, to start feeling, to breathe again.

I can only hope that if that time comes, Liz will forgive me for saying goodbye.

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Part 6
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