#311 I Married An Alien - Information

Writer: Ronald D. Moore
Director: Patrick Norris
Production Code: 3ADA11

First aired: January 29, 2002

Guest star: Garrett M. Brown (Phillip Evans), John Doe (Jeff Parker), Kristoffer Polaha (Eric Hughes), Susan Barnes (Social Worker)

Description: An old friend of Jesse - a reporter - comes to a visit. Jesse and Eric have fun together, but Jesse, who doesn't know about the double life of his wife, tells his curious friend a little bit too much. He smells a story and he investigates. He doesn't need much time to find out "your wife is an Alien."

Transcript | Screenshots & Episode Stills | Music | Quotes

#311 I Married An Alien - Transcript

Added by Anna

[Doorbell rings. Isabel answers the door, it's Michael and Max. Michael is carrying a ladder and a can of paint, and Max is carrying painting stuff too]
Isabel: Honey, the painters are here.
Michael: Yeah, that's funny. [pushes his way inside] Come on, move out of the way this crap is heavy.
Jesse: [walks into the room] Hey guys.
Max: Hey.
Jesse: You sure you don't want me to stay and help out?
Michael: Uhh, actually, there's a couple cans outside.
Isabel: But they can manage.
Max: Right, our treat. Seriously, it's a house warming gift from us to you.
Michael: Yeah, and a wedding gift that's combined.
Isabel: [laughs] Don't be silly. The wedding gift will be separate.
Michael: Of course it will.
Jesse: Well, it's just very generous of you to take your Saturday off to paint our apartment.
Max: Ahh, it won't take us that long, we're pretty fast.
Isabel: [grabs Jesse's arm and walks him to the door] Come on honey, you're going to be late. My dad hates late.
Jesse: Okay, alright. Uh, [grabs his golf clubs] see you guys later. [kisses Isabel's cheek] Thanks.
Max: No problem.
[Michael waves. Jesse leaves and Isabel shuts the door]
Michael: You know you could of probably done this yourself.
Isabel: Right, Jesse was going to let his wife paint the entire apartment all by herself.
Max: You know what color you want?
Isabel: Tusan Ocher or New England Brick Red [she holds up the sample color papers]
Michael: Here we go.
Isabel: I need to see it in this space, so uh, Max you take Ocher to that wall [she points to the side wall and hands him the sample color paper], and Michael you take Red to that one there. [she points and Michael grabs the sample color paper from her] Then I'll decided. Maybe.
[We see Max and Michael holding their hands against the wall, looking at the sample color, and concentrating. The white walls slowly turn into the 2 colors]
Michael: I'm exhausted, I'm talking a break. [he goes and sits on the couch and turns on the TV]
[Isabel and Max are leaning against the back of the couch staring at the walls]
Max: I like the Ocher.
Isabel: Hmmm.
[We see Michael is watching Bewitched]
Michael: Oh, Nickelodeon is having a marathon of Bewitched!!!! My weekend is set.
Isabel: [turns to Michael] Who are you and what have you done with Michael?
Max: It's the whole Maria thing. Ever since they broke up, he's been getting into the tube. It's getting pathetic!
Michael: [ignoring them] This is the one where Samantha turns Darren into a goose. It's good.
Max: You need a hobby, man.
Michael: What? Like golf? Ride around some stupid cart.
[We hear keys rattling]
Isabel: [freaking out] Oh, Jesse!! Oh!!! The walls!! [She runs to the door and slams it shut as soon as Jesse tries to open it]
Jesse: Hey, Isabel, it's me!
Isabel: Sorry honey, there's a ladder in front of the door. Hold on one second.
[Max and Michael quickly change the walls back to white]
Max: No, that's wrong. It was more of a Navaho White, that's more Aecho.
Michael: And I'm the one who needs a hobby?
Jesse: Is everything okay in there?
Isabel: [looking at Michael and Max] Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. [she unlocks the door and lets Jesse in] Yeah, sorry. Sorry, Forget something?
Jesse: Yeah, my balls.
[Michael and Max laugh]
Jesse: Where you guys just talking about me?
Isabel: That's a little paranoid, don't you think? I mean, the whole world doesn't revolve around you.
Max: It revolves around Michael.
Michael: [Raises his hand] Uh, that's a fact. [he walks to the couch and watches Bewitched]
Jesse: Okay. Bye.
Isabel: Bye. [she shuts the door after him and locks it. She walks over to the couch]
Michael: That was fun.
Isabel: [referring to Samantha from Bewitched] She had it so easy.
Michael: What are you talking about? Take a look beyond the surface, and you'll se the truth. Samantha takes pride in her witchcraft, and she made a suffer for it in an uncaring, seculant world. She's a modern day Athena.
Max: I swear my head is going to explode.
Isabel: Well, at least Darren knew she was a witch. She's not having to run around hiding her powers from her own husband. But think about how much easier my life would be if Jesse could just know who I really am.
Michael: Yeah, that would be a classic show. You could call it 'I Married an Alien.'
[Isabel laughs, and watches Samantha chase Darren, who is now a goose, around the house. She starts to daydream:]
[We now see Isabel watching TV, but it's her and Jesse riding in an old car on TV in '60s clothes. Jesse finds the orb in the car]
Jesse: Isabel, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your alien orbs in the car?
Isabel: Sorry dear. [she takes the orb, and puts it in her purse]
Isabel: Yeah, that would be some show.
[Opening Credits: Bewitched version]
[Roswell is now like Bewitched. Isabel is dressed like Samantha, she walks into her kitchen which is a mess. Dirty dishes are everywhere]
Isabel: [looking at the mess] Wow, this is certainly no way to start a morning. [She waves her hand, and the dishes are clean and put away where they belong] Hmm. I think we'll have French toast and sausage. [She waves her hand and the bread flies over to her and she grabs it, then she waves her hand again and the refrigerator door opens, the carton of eggs flies out and she grabs it. She waves her hand again, and the sausage flies over to her and she grabs them]
[Jesse walks in dressed as Darren, wearing a suit and holding a brief case. He sees Isabel use her powers to make the spatula fly over to her]
Jesse: [Disapprovingly] Isabel. How many times do I have to tell you no alien powers in the house. [smells the air] Is that French toast?
Isabel: [opens the lid] Mmm-hmmm.
Jesse: Well, maybe just this once.
[Normal Roswell version:]
[Jesse sits down at the table]
Jesse: Good morning.
Isabel: Morning honey. Hey. Here's this [she hands him his coffee] This time [she walks over to him with the pot going to put his breakfast on his plate] I think I have really [smoke pours from the pot] burned it again. [she puts his burnt breakfast on his plate] I think there is something wrong with the stove.
Jesse: [drinks his orange juice] Mmm. Well the orange juice is perfect.
Isabel: Good. Fresh-squeezed. Okay, it's 8:58.
Jesse: [gets up] Oh, I gotta go. I have to be in court at 9:15. [they hug and kiss] So if it was anyone else...
Isabel: I know, it's okay, I have to study.
Jesse: [Walks to the door] I'll see you later!
Isabel: Okay!
[Jesse leaves]
[Bewitched version: Kyle walks in their back door in the kitchen where Isabel is]
Kyle: [Note: I don't know what character he is suppose to be, because I've never watched Bewitched before, but he is in leather wearing a funny leather hat] Hello!
Isabel: [turns around] Hello Kyle.
Kyle: You know what this is. [holds up the car part in his hands]
Isabel: A carburetor.
Kyle: No, it's a carbur... How'd you know that?
Isabel: I'm a modern woman. [she shuts the back door]
Kyle: Right. Anyway, [they sit down at the table] it may look like a carburetor, but in reality, it's a gold mine.
Isabel: Hmm. It's a little small for a gold mine, don't you think?
Kyle: Yes, but what if this were a special carburetor, one that made it possible for a car to get 300 miles to the gallon.
Isabel: Kyle.
Kyle: 200?
Isabel: You know Jesse doesn't like it when I use my powers in your get-rich-quick schemes.
Kyle: Scheme, scheme. What scheme? This is a gift to mankind.
Isabel: Oh, Ohhh, well, if it's a gift, then I suppose you won't be charging money for it.
Kyle: Well, it's not a free gift.
[Normal Roswell version:]
Isabel: Why do you always come to me with these things?
Kyle: I'm sorry but I couldn't figure it out, and Toby's been on my ass all week. All it has to do is work, and it doesn't even have to work well. Just so it works.
Isabel: Alright. [Isabel places her hand over the carburetor, and uses her powers to fix it]
Kyle: Thank you.
[There's a knock at the back door. Bewitched version: Maria walks in]
Maria: Hey ho. [she slams the door] Everyone doin' fine? Lots of fun and laughs around the ole Ramirez house, hmmm? Good. Now, where is that good for nothing boyfriend of mine?
Isabel: Got me.
Kyle: [getting up] I was just leaving.
Maria: [Stops Kyle] Not so fast Valenti. [She grabs his ear]
Kyle: Okay, okay, he's on Neptune.
Maria: [Gasps] Neptune? He was just there last week.
Kyle: He's buying you a present for your birthday.
Maria: A present for me?? [Gasps] What is it? What can someone buy on Neptune? [she sits down with them] How much is he going to spend? Tell me everything. [She slams her hand down on the table, and everything is back to the Normal Roswell version:] So, he wants to take me out for my birthday next week, and I dunno.
Kyle: What's the harm?
Isabel: Well, the harm is, a birthday dinner by definition is sentimental.
Maria: And sentimental leads to a goodnight kiss.
Isabel: Goodnight kiss leads to sex.
Kyle: I should write that down.
Maria: Anyway, the reason I'm here is my birthday is next week, and I was kind of thinking that I need some change...
Isabel: You want me to lengthen your hair again?
Maria: Maybe, or maybe not. Maybe just-- I want some color, some like highlights this time.
[Doorbell rings]
Isabel: Maria, I am not your personal hair genie. [she gets up to answer the door]
Isabel: [opens the door] Yes?
Guy: Hi, are--are you Isabel?
Isabel: Yes.
Guy: Uh, I'm Eric, Eric Hughes, Jesse's friend from--
Isabel: From Cornel. Of course, come in. I'm sorry.
Eric: Thank you.
Isabel: Come in.
[Eric comes in and puts his suitcase down]
Isabel: So what are you doing here?
Eric: Uh, well, I just had a gig in Texas, and I thought that New Mexico was next door, so... [shrugs his shoulders] Hi! [He waves to Maria and Kyle who are sitting at the kitchen table]
[Maria and Kyle wave back]
Isabel: That's so great. Jesse is going to be so excited to see you. He was so disappointed to hear that you couldn't make it to the wedding.
Eric: I know, I'm sorry about that.
Isabel: Don't worry about that.
Eric: No, no, no. I had the best intentions. I was on the road and I was going to drive straight through from Atlanta, but I got kinda side tracked. I got this gig up in St. Paul and another gig in Chicago.
Isabel: Oh, are you a musician?
Eric: [laughs] Uh, no, I'm a reporter.
[Bewitched version:]
Isabel: A reporter?
Maria: Mm, we should be
Kyle: Leaving [they both get up] what a good idea. Bye Isabel! [They practically run out of the door]
Eric: Must say, I was pretty surprised to hear that ol' Jesse was getting hitched. You must be something out of the ordinary.
Isabel: Me? No. [laughs uncomfortably] So, how long will you be staying in Roswell?
Eric: Until I find a story. Myer's been driving me crazy. Says I have to come up with a slam bang piece of investigative journalism. Something that really knocks the lid off the place. Or else, I've gotta find another line of work.
[He picks up his bags. Normal Roswell version:]
Isabel: You have to stay. Jesse is so excited to see you. He's always talking about you and the guys from the fraternity.
Eric: It's all good I hope.
Isabel: Well, he glosses over the good stuff. Makes it seem like you spent all your free time discussing and studying in the influence of he.
Eric: [laughs] He must be a lawyer. [sits on the couch] Um, well, I appreciate you letting me stay on the couch. I'll try not to get in the way. Who knows, maybe while I'm here I can get myself a story. This is Roswell after all. So, know where I can find any aliens.
[Isabel laughs, Eric joins in]
[Later that day. Eric is looking at their CD collection talking to Jesse]
Eric: Yeah, I got an email from Keith the other day, says he's going to join the Peace Corp.
Jesse: [holding 2 beers] Oh come on, he's been saying that for years. He doesn't even like dirt, how's he gonna dig wells for people? [he opens the bottle with his teeth, and throws Eric the other beer] Incoming!
[Isabel walks in the living room with a pillow and blankets]
Isabel: Well, you can take the boys out of college...
Jesse: Sorry.
Eric: Oh god, I don't believe you guys still have this CD. ohhh [opens the CD] Prepare to enter the time shaft.
[Jesse laughs]
Isabel: I think that's my cue to go to bed.
Jesse: Oh, come on, it's early. Come on.
Isabel: Early '90s maybe. No thank you. [they kiss] Goodnight.
Jesse: Goodnight.
[The song 'Everybody Dance Now' is playing]
[Isabel goes into their bedroom and shuts the door. She leans against the door and sighs. You can still hear the music]
[Jesse and Eric sitting on the couch an hour or so later with empty beer bottles around them]
Eric: Just like the good ol' days, man. Where's the bong?
Jesse: Shh! Come on, she doesn't know I used to get high.
Eric: What? What, you're keeping secrets from your wife?
Jesse: I dunno, we're still getting to know each other.
Eric: Okay dude, you're suppose to do that before you get married.
Jesse: In a perfect world.
Eric: Yeah. Well, how many secrets are you keeping from her?
Jesse: Hmm. Not as many as she has.
Eric: What?
Jesse: Nothing.
Eric: Come on dude, look who you're talking to. Must I remind you of the notorious infamous Kate Joplin episode and her monstrous lacrosse playing 6'3 boyfriend?
Jesse: [laughs] Yeah, you saved my ass, I remember.
Eric: Yeah, I did!
Jesse: I--I don't know man-- it's just weird. I feel like there's a part of Isabel's life she doesn't want to share with me, you know?
Eric: Like what?
Jesse: Like--I don't know just--Every once in a while something weird happens and... Like the other day, I'm fixing the ice maker. Okay I'm in there, and I'm getting pissed off, I'm banging the thing, and I'm cursing like that's gonna help, and she comes in and she says, take a break. So I'm headed to the bedroom, and I glance back and her hand is on the ice maker.
Eric: So?
Jesse: So when I come back, it's fixed. I mean it works perfectly.
Eric: Huh. Well, you know, in my professional opinion, I'm gonna have to say that that is not a story.
Jesse: Okay, fine. Well, what about her brother, Max. He breaks my nose right before our wedding--
Eric: He broke your nose?
Jesse: Yeah, it's a long story, I'll tell you later. But he breaks my nose, and he heals it with a steak the next day.
Eric: What do you mean a streak like--
Jesse: Like a steak. He completely heals a very broken nose in about 30 seconds. It's just weird. Just...really weird.
Eric: Huh. Well, maybe...maybe she's an alien. Jesse man, you married one of the Roswell aliens.
[They laugh]
Eric: It's like--it's like I Dreamed of Jeanie for a new millennium, man.
[They laugh a little too loud]
Jesse: Shut up, shut up.
[Eric starts singing the theme song of I Dreamed of Jeanie]
[We see Isabel in their bed staring off into space. Bewitched version: Jesse walks into their bedroom. Isabel is reading]
Jesse: We're in trouble!
Isabel: Why?
Jesse: He wants to stay the night. [he sits down beside her]
Isabel: I wouldn't worry about it, dear.
Jesse: Oh sure, there's a reporter sleeping on our couch looking for the story of the century and I shouldn't worry about it.
Isabel: Sweetheart, don't worry. I promise, I won't use my powers while he's around. everything's going to be fine.
[Normal Roswell version: Jesse is in their bedroom getting changed trying not to make so much noise, but it doesn't work]
Isabel: Kinda late.
Jesse: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up.
Isabel: It's okay, did you have fun?
Jesse: [laughs and climbs into bed] Oh, yeah. [laughs]
Isabel: What? [Isabel smiles]
Jesse: Nothing. Just Eric went off on this whole thing about writing a story. [laughs] A story about you being one of the Roswell aliens.
[Isabel's smile fades]
[Michael's apartment. Michael is sitting on the couch watching Bewitched. Max walks into the living room]
Max: Okay, this is officially not funny anymore.
Michael: I'd ask what your problem is Maxwell, but I really don't care.
[Max uses his powers to turn off the TV]
Max: Michael, you have got to get a life.
Michael: Thanks for the heart-felt advice. You can leave now. [He uses his powers to turn on the TV]
Max: I am serious, you are going to rot what's left of your brain with this. [He uses his powers to turn off the TV]
Michael: I am showing an interest in the classics. [He uses his powers to turn on the TV]
Max: You're wallowing in self-pity. [He uses his powers to turn off the TV]
Michael: [getting annoyed] You know this is my apartment! If I want to sit here a wallow, which I'm not, then that's my business! [He tries to use his powers to turn on the TV, but because he was upset, he blew up the TV instead] Great! Thanks!
Max: Oh yeah, that's my fault. I'm out of here. I'll see ya later.
[Max leaves]
[Isabel's house. We see an open pizza box with pizza still in it on the floor, and beer bottles everywhere. Isabel picks up the bottles]
[Isabel shakes her head. She waves her hand, and it's now the Bewitched version: The vacuum starts vacuuming the living room by itself. She waves her hand again and the beer bottles fly into the trash can]
[Normal Roswell version: Isabel throws the stuff in the trash can]
[Jesse walks in the house]
Jesse: The place is a wreck, I know. We'll clean it up when we get back, I swear, okay?
[Isabel nods. Jesse runs to the bathroom door and knocks]
Jesse: Come on, lets go. We're gonna be late!
Eric: [comes out of the bathroom] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I have an idea.
Jesse: First time for everything.
Eric: [laughs] I want to write a story about you and Isabel. It's a story about how two people marry in a hurry, and then have to do all the get to , know you stuff later.
Isabel: Sounds boring to me.
Eric: But I'm gonna pitch it so it sounds great. Hot shot lawyer marries small town girl after whirlwind romance. My editor loves that kind of crap.
Jesse: Are you saying the story of our marriage is crap?
Eric: Yeah, it's good solid horrible crap. Come on you guys, I need your help. I need to sell something.
[There's a knock on the door]
Isabel: I don't feel like being in a magazine right now. [she answers the door, it's Max]
Max: Hey.
Isabel: Hey.
[Max walks in]
Eric: Hey.
Jesse: Max, this is Eric, my friend. Eric, this is Max, my brother-in-law.
[Eric and Max shake hands]
Max: Hey.
Eric: Hi. Oh, you're the guy with the special healing powers.
[Bewitched Version: Max waves his arm, and Eric changes into a hound dog]
Max: Somebody want to tell me what's going on.
Jesse: Max, you just can't go around turning people into dogs.
Max: I won't stand here and be lectured by the descendant of an ape.
Isabel: Max, change him back please.
Max: He seems to know our little secret. Now how could that have happened?
Jesse: He doesn't know anything, unless, of course, he's seen you flying around the neighborhood in the saucer again.
Max: You go for one joy ride, and they never let you forget it.
Isabel: Max, I-- I don't want him to piddle on the carpet.
Max: [raises his index finger] In a minute. Speaking of the saucer, Michael burned out the cloaking device, so I had to park it in your basement for now.
Jesse: In the basement?
Max: Am I speaking too fast for your human brain to follow?
Jesse: How did you get it in there?
[Max rolls his eyes]
Isabel: He used the time-space slip stream, dear.
Max: Duh!
Jesse: Great! [he bends down and covers the dogs ears with his hands, so he can't hear what he's saying] There's a reporter in the house with a flying saucer in the basement.
Max: Want me to take him to the pound?
[Jesse picks up the dog]
Isabel: Just change him back please.
Max: Oh, very well. [Max changes Eric back into a human, and Eric jumps out of Jesse's arms]
[Normal Roswell version:]
Max: Nice to meet you.
Jesse: I'll see you later. [He kisses Isabel on the cheek]
Isabel: Bye. Have fun.
[Jesse and Eric leave]
Isabel: Yeah, Jesse told him about the whole broken nose incident, and they've been yakking it up ever since about how I'm from a family of aliens.
[Max smiles and tries not to laugh]
Isabel: You think that's funny.
Max: Well-- Yeah. I mean, in an ironic sort of way. They're just kidding around. If you make a big deal out of it, it will look suspicious.
Isabel: Yeah, maybe. What are you doing here?
Max: Inviting my sister to have a delicious piping hot breakfast before her first class., my treat.
Isabel: Oh. Where?
[Max smiles]
[Golf course. Eric, Jesse, and Mr. Evans are playing golf. It's Mr. Evans' turn, Eric and Jesse are talking, waiting for their turns]
Eric: So, uh, when did you meet Isabel?
Jesse: July 5th.
Eric: July 5th? Isn't that your birthday?
Jesse: Yeah, how about that for a present.
Eric: [taking notes] God, they're gonna eat this thing up. [takes out a thing of alcohol]
Jesse: Hey, [grabs it from him] did you bring enough for everyone, or uh...
Eric: Yeah, where are my manners. So let me ask you this, was she still jail bait when you met her?
[Mr. Evans turns around. Jesse can't believe he said that]
Jesse: She was 18. [Mr. Evans looks back down] Moron!
Eric: Sorry.
[As Jesse takes a drink, a golf ball comes flying at him, and hits the golf cart right beside him, and it slowly goes into the hole]
Michael: Yeah!! [walks up to them] Sorry, oh, um, four!! FOUR!!! Everybody, four! [Michael picks up his ball from inside the hole] Mr. Evans, Jesse. [he nods]
Jesse: Hey, uh, Michael, did you meet my friend, Eric?
Michael: Hey. [they shake hands]
Eric: Hey.
Mr. Evans: I didn't know you played golf.
Michael: Just started. Looking to get out of the house. [Mr. Evans nods] Did you see that shot off the golf cart in the hole? You don't see that everyday.
Mr. Evans: Michael, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and take a guess you're not a member of the Glen Hills Country Club.
Michael: Not officially.
Mr. Evans: Then you better stick with us.
Michael: Cool. Are we playing for money or what?
[Isabel and Max walking up to the CrashDown Cafe]
Isabel: You don't need me as a chaperone. Liz's father has given you the green light for you guys to be together.
Max: I just don't want her dad to think I'm some loser who doesn't have anything better to do all morning then sit in a booth and wait for Liz to get off work. [He opens the Cafe door for Isabel. They walk in]
Isabel: [laughs] Must I make the obvious comment?
Max: Please don't.
[Bewitched version: They're greeted by Liz]
Liz: Max.
Max: Liz.
Liz: Max.
Max: Liz.
Isabel: Can we get a table for two?
Liz: Oh, certainly Isabel. You must be here to have breakfast with Max, [talks louder so her dad can hear] cuz he's certainly not here to see me, are you Max? [smiles]
Max: Certainly not.
Liz: This way. [she shows them to a booth. They sit down. Liz sighs and walks away. Max watches her leave]
[Golf Course. Eric and Michael are talking]
Eric: So how long have you know Max and Isabel?
Michael: A long, long time. We kind of gravitated toward each other in elementary. [It's Michael's turn to shoot] You know, they had nice parents, and I was in a foster system. [hits the ball] Ahh, slice.
Mr. Evans: Oh, you picked you head up at the last minute.
Jesse: Yeah, it's in the trees. You want to take a mulligan? [Note: Mulligan means to retry a golf shot without penalty]
Michael: No, I don't do drugs. All right, you guys play ahead. I gotta find my ball.
[Inside the CrashDown]
Isabel: So I've been doing some more thinking about this whole Bewitched type dream.
Max: You have?
Isabel: Yes. And the more and more I think about it, the more convinced I am that it would be in everyone’s best interest to bring my Darren in on the secret.
Max: Mmm-hmm.
Isabel: Yeah. I mean, as it is now, Jesse is a wild card. For example, if he knew the secret, he would know what to say and what not to say to his buddy, the reporter looking for a hot story.
Max: Good point.
Isabel: Yeah.
Max: Let me think about it.
[Liz walks up to them]
Liz: Is everything okay?
Max: Yeah, just, uh, talking about how things would be much easier if we lived in a sitcom.
Liz: Like Frasier?
Max: More like My Favorite Martian.
Isabel: I was thinking more like Bewitched.
Mr. Parker: Liz??
[Bewitched version. Liz turns around. Mr. Parker is in a butcher's outfit with a cleaver in his hand]
Mr. Parker: Didn't I tell you to stay away from my daughter?
Max: I--I'm just having breakfast with my sister. [Mr. Parker walks up to them. Max points at Isabel] See? Here she is, my sister. Say hi sister.
Isabel: Hi Sister.
Mr. Parker: If I catch you with your hands on my daughter, why I [he holds up the cleaver, and starts to hit him with it. The cleaver turns into a bouquet of flowers. Max takes the flowers]
Max: Gee, thanks Mr. Parker. [he smells them] They're lovely.
[Jesse and Eric sitting in the golf cart]
Eric: So that kid's an emancipated minor?
Jesse: Yep, our firm handled the case. Watch this, on the green in 2. [they get out of the cart]
Eric: Hey, uh, you wouldn't mind if I uhh [he holds up his hand to his lips]
Jesse: What? Get stoned on the fairway? Yes. It's my father-in-law's private club. Go in the bushes like everyone else.
[Michael is in the woods. He finds his ball, looks around. Eric comes out from behind the tree smoking pot. Michael turns around and doesn't see him. Michael then uses his powers to bend the trees out of the way. Michael hits his ball. Eric sees the whole thing and looks down at his joint confused]
[Isabel and Jesse's house. Apparently Eric told Jesse what he saw Michael do]
Jesse: No one [laughs] and I mean no one is going to print that.
Eric: All right, maybe not the New York Times, dude, but definitely the Post.
Jesse: Come Eric give me a break.
Eric: Okay, look, I know what it sounds like but I saw what I saw.
Jesse: Yeah [laughs. Isabel walks in]
Isabel: What's up?
Jesse: Oh, you're gonna love this. Go ahead, tell her.
Eric: All right. You know your friend Michael? He waved his hand, and I dunno-- like he hand super powers of something
Jesse: Yeah, he had, SUPER POWERS!! [he holds up 2 beer bottles to his eyes and laughs]
Eric: All right. All kidding aside. I'm telling you, there's something definitely strange about that kid. I don't know if it's because he's a psychic or a space alien or what [Jesse puts the 2 beer bottles on his head like antennae], but one thing is for sure, Michael Guerin is definitely not of this world.
[Isabel on the phone with Michael]
Isabel: You idiot!
Michael: How was I suppose to know he was watching?
Isabel: Here's a thought, maybe you shouldn't be using your powers to improve your golf game.
Michael: I didn't think anyone was around, okay?
Isabel: Well, that right there is the problem. You didn't think.
[The screen now is split between the normal version and Bewitched version. Bewitched version:]
Isabel: Well, now you've really done it. Eric wants to interview you for his article. What are you going to do?
Michael: What if I fused his vocal chords together? Then he couldn't tell anyone anything.
Isabel: He's a writer. He'll just write it down.
Michael: I could fuse his fingers together too.
Isabel: That's not going to work.
[Normal Roswell version:]
Isabel: We need a real plan.
Michael: I'll talk to him, okay?
[Bewitched version:]
Michael: I'll think of something.
Isabel: Why doesn't that fill me with confidence?
[Normal Roswell version:]
Isabel: I cannot believe this is happening.
Michael: Will you relax. I'm on it.
[Bewitched version:]
Isabel: On what?
Michael: What?
[Normal Roswell version:]
Isabel: Are you talking to me?
Michael: Who else would I be talking to?
[Bewitched version:]
Isabel: So you're on it.
Michael: On what?
[Normal Roswell version:]
Michael: Are you okay?
Isabel: What?
[Bewitched version:]
Isabel: What?
Michael: What?
Isabel: What?
[Normal Roswell version:]
Michael: What?
Isabel: I--I--I'm getting confused. Can we just all take a minute, okay? Okay. Michael what are you going to tell Eric?
Michael: I'll think of something.
Isabel: I don't know what worries me more when you don't think or when you do.
Michael: That's funny. You should be on a sitcom.
[Bewitched version:]
Michael: Hey, I was going to say that.
Isabel: Don't talk to them.
[Normal Roswell version:]
Isabel: Let's just all hang up. Okay? Michael, I'll see you in an hour.
[They all hang up]
[CrashDown. Michael, Isabel, Jesse, and Eric sitting at a table]
Eric: I know what I saw Michael.
Michael: Yeah, you saw me wave a magic wand and bend a tree.
[Isabel laughs]
Eric: No wand, it was just your hand.
Michael: Let me ask you something. What was really in the flask?
Eric: Scotch.
Michael: What were you doing in the bushes?
Eric: I was looking for a place to, you know, relieve myself.
Michael: Come on, you weren't [Michael holds up his hand to his mouth]
Eric: Yeah, it was just a little.
Jesse: Yeah right.
Eric: Okay, dude, it was like the fat ones we rolled in the old days, all right?
[Jesse kicks Eric. Bewitched version:]
Eric: Owww!!!!!!
Isabel: In the old days? Care to elaborate Mr. Ramirez?
Jesse: Not really, honey. You know, it was college. Ra ra sis boom ba!
Michael: Nice typewriter.
[Normal Roswell version: Michael touches Eric's laptop]
Michael: What--uh, G4?
Eric: No, it's just an old dinosaur. [his computer crashes] Oh, no. Don't tell me this...
Isabel: Sweetheart, can I see you outside for a minute?
Jesse: Yeah, sure.
[Jesse and Isabel go outside]
[Eric is frantically trying to fix his computer]
Michael: [sighs] Technology.
Jesse: Hey, look, I stopped smoking a long time ago.
Isabel: I don't care about that, all right. I want you to get Eric to drop the story. All of it. No more research, no more questions, no more digging into my past.
Jesse: Whoa, what's going on? I mean, it's just some stupid thing Eric is making up to get a byline.
Isabel: No, it-- it's more than that, all right? First, he's asking me questions. Then, it's my friends. Next, it's gonna be my parents. I want it to stop now.
Jesse: Why?
Isabel: Because--okay--because the past is something that I'm trying to leave behind. Okay? It brings up a lot of issues for me. Max and I were just dumped in the desert when we were little kids by our real parents. I mean, what kind of people do that? What kind of family am I from? You know, I don't even want to know the answer, and I don't even want to ask the question.
Jesse: Okay. I'll take care of it, okay?
[They hug]
Isabel: Thank you.
[Jesse in his office getting a file out of his filing cabinet. Eric is there]
Jesse: Just do me a favor, drop the story on Isabel and me, all right?
Eric: Yes. All right, whatever, man.
Jesse: I'm serious.
Eric: I'm serious too. I hear you. I'll drop the story. I promise. Let me ask you something, am I insane or did Michael touch this computer before it crashed? [points at his laptop]
Jesse: Hey you know something? You're right. You're insane.
Eric: Well, this thing is totally screwed. Mind if I use your computer to check my email?
Jesse: Go ahead, I'm in court until 4. Look you're up for dinner later?
Eric: Ha, ha! Do I have any other options?
Jesse: Later.
Eric: Good luck.
[Jesse leaves]
[Eric looks over at the filing cabinet. He walks over to it, and opens it. He knows how to unlock it, because he saw Jesse do it. He takes out Michael's folder and starts reading it]
[Eric talking to some lady sitting on a bench]
Lady: You know, all adoptions and foster records are suppose to be confidential.
Eric: I understand that. I won't use your name in the article, and I won't quote you directly. I'm just--I'm just trying to do some background research on Michael Guerin, and I was wondering if you can help. You know, was there anything unusual about Michael, anything out of the ordinary?
Lady: No. Well, there was this one incident in 1989. It was right after the county placed him in his foster home. He'd been there less than 2 days when we get this phone call about this...usual event.
Eric: An event?
Lady: They said Michael made the kitchen table levitate off the floor. About 3 feet off the floor.
Eric: That's--that's a little odd for a 6 year old.
Lady: Mmm-hmm.
Eric: Umm, would that be in the county records?
Lady: [laughs] You think we're gonna put something like that in a government file? Yeah, and uh, to be honest with you, Michael's foster father, he wasn't exactly reliable. You know. [she acts like she's drinking]
Eric: Anything else?
Lady: No, I mean, other than the way he came to us. You know, a little kid was found wandering out in the desert like that.
Eric: Wait a minute, I thought that Max and Isabel were the ones found wandering in the desert.
Lady: They were. About a week before.
Eric: That--that's a story.
[Eric walks into the Ramirez' house. Jesse is preparing dinner]
Eric: I got my story. I really got it.
Jesse: What is it?
Eric: It's about 3 little kids found wandering in the desert. It's about 3 little kids with special powers. It's about Max, Michael, and Isabel.
Jesse: Wait, you told me you were dropping this.
Eric: Yeah, no I did, and dude, I swear to god I was going to [we see Isabel walking to the kitchen. She stops and listens to their conversation], then I got a call from one of my sources who tells me about this social worker whose got a story and does she ever. She tell me that Michael Guerin is levitating tables at the age of 6.
Jesse: [laughs] You don't believe that.
Eric: It doesn't matter, I don't have to believe it, I don't have to prove it. All I need is credible sources and between the social worker and you, I got plenty.
Jesse: Me?!?
Eric: Yeah, yeah, the broken nose incident with the meat and the mysterious ice maker incident.
Jesse: But--but that wasn't for you to write.
Eric: Dude, relax. I'm not going to use your name. Come on Jesse. This could be huge for me, don't you get it? Look at--look at-- I've got mysteriously sealed records, I've got a number of sources, this thing has government conspiracy written all over it. I mean, the story is going to go national.
Jesse: Just wait, wait, okay? Just slow down. What is the story?
Eric: Max, Michael, and Isabel. They are the Roswell aliens.
[We see Isabel. She's clearly shocked and upset]
[Bewitched version. Isabel and Jesse are sitting on the couch in their living room. Eric comes running in their house]
Eric: Oh my god.
Jesse: What?
Eric: I--I--I--
Jesse: Just settle down.
Isabel: What's wrong?
Eric: There's a spaceship in the basement.
[Isabel and Jesse look at each other]
[Michael, Isabel, and Max are in the basement sitting in the spaceship]
Isabel: This is bad. This is really bad.
[Max slaps the back of Michael's head]
Max: None of this would have happened if you hadn't gotten careless with your powers.
Michael: Hey, it's not my fault, except for the part that is.
Isabel: [sighs] Well, what are we going to do?
Max: I guess we're gonna have to find another planet to hide out on.
Isabel: But I like this planet.
Michael: Me too. Where else are you going to find another planet that has Whoppers and Big Mac?
Isabel and Max: Shut up.
[Normal Roswell version. Isabel, Michael, and Max are sitting in Max's car]
Michael: I think you both are over reacting. No serious magazine is going to print that story. 3 alien kids in the desert, it's ridiculous. The best thing he's gonna do is get some quick cash from some tabloid.
Isabel: Yeah, they're gonna plaster our faces all over the cover of The Enquirer.
Max: It will draw attention. even if people don't believe it at first, it will make people think.
Michael: Fine, so it's really bad and it's all my fault! Is everybody happy now?
Isabel: This isn't helping Michael.
Michael: [sighs] What are we going to do?
Max: I have no idea.
[Isabel climbs into bed]
Jesse: I'm awake.
Isabel: Oh. It's late.
Jesse: Yeah, where have you been?
Isabel: I just went for a walk.
Jesse: Can I ask you something?
Isabel: Sure.
Jesse: Is there anything...unusual about you? Anything I should know about?
Isabel: Like what?
Jesse: I don't know exactly. But just--some strange things have happened, and things I have tried to ignore but I can't. So, I guess I'm asking, um, do you have some kind of psychic ability?
Isabel: Psychic? [smiles]
Jesse: [laughs] I know how that sounds. Certain things just makes me wonder.
Isabel: Like what?
Jesse: Like our sex life. Not that I'm complaining. It's--sex with you is almost hallucinogenic like I'm on acid or something. I mean, not that I've ever done that. But I'm--I'm--I don't know--It's just weird. I love it. I love it. It's definitely weird.
[Bewitched version. Isabel and Jesse are in separate beds]
Jesse: So are you ready for, uh...
[Isabel smiles. She waves her hand and the night stand between the beds disappears. She waves her hand again and his bed slides beside hers]
[Normal Roswell version. Isabel rolls on top of Jesse and turns on the lamp]
Isabel: Jesse are you stoned?
Jesse: Oh, I am such an idiot.
Isabel: Psychic, like Carrie?
Jesse: Okay. Stop.
Isabel: You sure you went to Harvard?
Jesse: [laughs] I get it, okay? Just forget it. Turn off the light, I feel [turns off the light] stupid with the light on.
Isabel: [turns on the light] Oh, but in the dark, it's okay to think you're married to a witch.
Jesse: Yes. Turn it off. Come on, turn it off.
[Isabel turns off the light]
Jesse: I can't believe I said that.
Isabel: Yeah.
Jesse: Well, if you think that sounded crazy wait until you hear Eric's latest idea.
Isabel: What's that?
Jesse: You're never going to believe this. He's actually got a story that sounds like you, max, and Michael are all the Roswell aliens.
Isabel: Huh.
Jesse: Yeah.
Isabel: Wow.
[Jesse and Mr. Evans sitting in Mr. Evans' office]
Mr. Evans: The Roswell aliens. Huh, no that's crazy. [shakes his head and sips his coffee]
Jesse: He's just trying to make a sale. I seriously doubt he even believes it himself.
Mr. Evans: So whose this social worker who found this nonsense about these kids having psychic powers?
Jesse: He wouldn't say. He said he promised her anonymity, and uh, frankly I don't even know how he tracked this person down. All those records are supposed to be kept under seal.
Mr. Evans: You know what? We might have her name. Pull Michael's emancipation files. It might have a list of his counselors over at County Services.
Jesse: That's a good idea. [he walks over to the filing cabinets, and looks for Michael's files] It's not here. [He walks back to Mr. Evans]
Mr. Evans: What do you mean?
Jesse: It's not here unless it was misfiled or-- [it dawns on Jesse, Eric took it]
[Jesse and Eric at Jesse's house]
Jesse: You stole it!
Eric: Come on Jesse, I was gonna give it back tomorrow. It's no big deal.
Jesse: You know what you did was a felony! [we see Isabel in the background sitting in a chair watching all of this] That I could have you arrested just by picking up the phone!
Eric: Hey, easy. I know you're pissed off, but I am just doing my job. I am a reporter, Jesse. It's a good story.
Jesse: Well, not anymore it isn't. [he takes out a piece of paper from his jacket pocket and hand it to Eric]
Eric: What is this?
Jesse: That's an injunction, preventing you from selling or attempting to sell any information based on illegal access to records protected by attorney-client privilege.
[Bewitched version: Isabel waves her hand and Eric changes into a parrot]
Jesse: Sorry we had to do this to you.
Isabel: But you really didn't leave us much choice. [she walks over to Eric and holds out her hand. Eric climbs onto her fingers]
Eric: Uh oh. She's an alien.
Jesse: So what should we do with him?
Isabel: Oh, I'm thinking the pet store. A nice little boy would love to take you home.
Eric: Squak! I am not an animal. Squak! I'm a human being.
Isabel: Just keep telling yourself that. I'll be back before dinner.
Eric: I am a reporter not a parrot!
[Normal Roswell version]
Eric: I don't believe this.
Jesse: Yeah, well, believe it. Now just pack your stuff and get out!
Eric: What?!?
Jesse: Look Eric, I asked you to drop the story as a friend, and what did you do? You lied to me. You knew you weren't gonna let it go.
Eric: I'm sorry.
Jesse: Sorry? Eric you looked me in the eye and told me that one of your sources put you onto the social worker when the truth was you stole it from my own office!!
Eric: All right, I screwed up. I admit it. I won't write the stupid alien story, but come on, Jesse, it's you and me man, we go back.
Jesse: No. You can insult me, you can hit me, you can do almost anything you want to me, and usually, I'll find a way to get over it. Okay? But you can't lie to me in my own house! You can't take advantage of my trust and my friendship!! I want you gone! [he throws Eric's stuff at him] And don't come back! [Eric leaves. Jesse slams the door]
[Bewitched version: Isabel and Max and sitting inside the spaceship. Max is cleaning the window]
Isabel: None of this would be necessary if we could just tell the humans the truth.
Max: Are you serious? These primates have barely mastered walking upright. They couldn't handle the truth.
Isabel: Jesse did just fine.
Max: [sarcastically] Yeah, he's a real genius.
Isabel: You're talking about my husband.
Max: Must you remind me?
Isabel: If it weren't for Jesse--
Max: Life would be much quieter.
Isabel: And I would be miserable. [sighs] We're meant to be together, Max, you're just gonna have to accept that.
Max: Isabel, it's bad enough that you married one of them, but try to remember that you are a member of a superior race of beings. A race that has conquered the mysteries of space travel. A race that stands head and shoulders above these primitive monkeys.
[Michael stands up]
Michael: I found the problem with the spaceship. My yoyo was caught in the warp drive.
Max: Well, some of us stand a little taller than others.
[Normal Roswell version: Max, Michael, and Isabel are walking down the street]
Michael: So Jesse saved the day.
Isabel: yeah.
Max: I know what you're going to say, that's twice now that he saved us, so now he's earned the right to know the truth. And I don't necessarily disagree, but I think that before--
Isabel: No, Max I-- I'm really not pushing to tell him right now. He was really mad, and I've never seen him so angry, you know, and he was angry because he was lied to by someone he trusted.
Michael: You're his wife, he'll forgive you.
Isabel: Maybe. But he'll never forget that I lied. You know, it will always be there between us. I want to tell him, but um, I'm afraid to. The problem is I don't live in a sitcom. You know? They get to wrap everything up all nice and neat. Real life is complicated.
[Ramirez house. Jesse and Isabel are in bed, Isabel is restless]
Jesse: Can't sleep?
Isabel: I just-- I just keep thinking of your friend, Eric. I mean, you guys were really close for a long time.
Jesse: Yeah, well. Things change. Don't worry, I have other friends, okay? Besides, you are all that matters to me. You're all I need.
[Bewitched version. Isabel is sitting up in her bed, and Jesse is sitting on her bed taking off his slippers]
Jesse: So what's the lesson, Isabel?
Isabel: Never trust one of your friends.
Jesse: Never use your powers out in public, dear.
Isabel: And never let Max park the spaceship in the basement.
Jesse: Promise?
Isabel: [holds up her hand] Aliens honor.
Jesse: Come here. [they hug] Oh, you are all that matters to me. You're all I need.
Isabel: Oh, Sweetheart.

#311 I Married An Alien - Music

Added by Yvonne

C&C Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweat *
Scene: At the Evans/Ramirez living room, Jesse's friend Eric plays a CD of the song. Isabel brings in pillows and blankets for Jesse to sleep on the couch. Isabel goes to their bedroom to sleep.

not available
Divinyls - I Touch Myself *
Scene: At the Evans/Ramirez living room, Jesse tells Eric, his reporter friend, that Max and Isabel have unusual powers.
not available
Mercury Rev - Chains Scene: Isabel tells Max he doesn’t need a chaperone to go inside.
not available
Spiritualized - Do It All Over Again *
Scene: At the Crashdown, Isabel and Max discuss telling Jesse their secret.
not available

#311 I Married An Alien - Quotes

Added by Lena

Michael: Oh, Nickelodeon is having a marathon of Bewitched!!!! My weekend is set.

Isabel: Psychic, like Carrie?

Eric: Must say, I was pretty surprised to hear that ol' Jesse was getting hitched. You must be something out of the ordinary.
Isabel: Me? No. [laughs uncomfortably] So, how long will you be staying in Roswell?
Eric: Until I find a story. Myer's been driving me crazy. Says I have to come up with a slam bang piece of investigative journalism. Something that really knocks the lid off the place. Or else, I've gotta find another line of work.