He’s never liked me. To be truthful, I don’t think any
of them really like me except Max and Maria. Isabel
doesn’t like me because I was the one who put them all
in danger in the first place. Tess doesn’t like me
because… well… she’s been over Max for years but I
don’t think she’s ever gotten over the fact that I was
the one who he fell in love with, not her. Kyle
doesn’t like me because I fell in love with someone
else while I was dating him. I don’t think he’s over
that either. Alex likes me most of the time, but I
don’t really know if he’s ever forgiven me for lying
to him all those months. Max loves me. Maria might as
well be my sister. But… he’s never liked me. He only
puts up with me because of Max and Maria.
He was the one I ran to. I think that’s because even
though he didn’t really care about me, he was the only
one who understood me.
I felt Max’s heart break when he saw Kyle and I in bed
together that one time. I felt it. Max and I have
always been connected like that. I know how he’s
thinking. I know how he’s feeling. I can only pray
that the connection doesn’t go both ways.
I knew what I had to do that night. I had to make Max
fall out of love with me, for his sake. Love’s a funny
thing, though. Even though Max’s heart was broken,
even though he thought I’d betrayed his trust, even
though he thought I slept with someone who hated him,
Max still loved me. I could feel that too.
He’s never really liked me, but he’s always intrigued
me. After I got involved with Max, my intrigue with…
my intrigue intensified. I don’t know what it was
about him.
Have you ever seen a moth dance around a flame? The
way it seems like it almost doesn’t want to touch it,
but can’t help itself and has to try? And even though
the flame’s too hot and even though the moth will get
burned and knows it will burn, it just keeps coming
back. I think that’s how it was. I was the moth. He
was my flame.
At the time Mi-- he was having problems with Maria.
She thought he was sleeping with Courtney. That’s
almost funny, isn’t it? In the end, Courtney wasn’t
the one Maria should have been worrying about.
I don’t know how we ended up… I still don’t know how
that happened. I had to hurt Max, make him forget me.
Oh, it hurt to think of what I was putting Max
through. I loved him, you know. So I had to make
myself forget too. I had to hurt Max. I wanted to hurt
Max. Then, I wanted to forget Max. I wanted to make
myself forget.
I think that’s how he felt about Maria. He wanted to
forget her too. Not that she’d ever let him, but he
had to try. He thought he hurt her too much; that
she’d be better off without him. I think he wanted to
make her forget him. Naturally, he had to do something
that would make her want to forget him. And he had to
forget her too.
I showed up at his door. I was his escape. I was the
one who’d make him forget.
I kissed him. I didn’t pretend he was Max. Somewhere
between my unzipping his jeans and his slipping his
hands under my bra, I realized that I hadn’t been
pretending he was Max. I was ashamed. I was supposed
to be in love with Max and there I was with his best
friend and we were… I dropped my eyes and moved my
hands away from the waistband of his boxers. I felt my
cheeks get hot. And my blush only deepened when I
realized that I didn’t care that I wasn’t pretending
he was Max. That I wanted him and not Max. And when I
realized that I would have wanted him regardless of if
I were with Max or not. I’d always wanted him. I moved
my hands back to the waistband of his boxers and
looked back up. He was blushing too. But when I looked
at him, I realized that it had been because he had
been pretending I was Maria.
He didn’t kiss me at all. Maria told me that she was
the first girl he’d ever really kissed. I guess that
explains why he didn’t kiss me. His kisses were saved
especially for her. Even though he was trying to stay
away from Maria, he couldn’t get away from her. And
even though he was having sex with her best friend, he
couldn’t disrespect her. I think that was kind of
ironic. Or contradictory. Maybe that’s a better word
for it.
I didn’t stay afterwards. There was no cuddling, no
spooning, no pillow talk. These things, if he ever did
them at all, were also probably saved especially for
Maria. When we were through, I pulled my panties back
on, pulled up my pants and left him there with his
jeans undone and his shirt still torn from when I’d
tried to pull it off of him. I didn’t say goodbye; I
just let myself out. He said nothing.
I think he cried. The second I shut the door, I heard
little, muffled, whimpering sounds coming from inside.
I know that’s what it was. It’s what I should have
been doing.
I didn’t cry because I didn’t regret it. I’m not sure
if I do now or not.
He and Maria were back together two days later. He
probably went back to her that same night. She
probably argued with him and bitched him out for a day
or so. Then she took him back. That’s the way they
work. He screws up, he pushes her away, he screws up
again, he goes back to her, she pretends not to want
him, she takes him back. That’s the way it is.
It took Max and I about a year to find each other
again. He was worried I didn’t want him anymore. I was
worried he wouldn’t take me back. That’s the way we
work. We always worry. We never just go for something.
There is nothing spontaneous about Max and I.
Spontaneity: that’s one of the things I admire about
Maria. About Michael.
It’s as if it never happened. He’ll never tell Maria.
I’ll never tell Max. He doesn’t act any differently
towards me. But the first few times I saw him
afterwards, I felt it again. That heat. I felt my
whole body get hot and all I wanted was to touch him.
I didn’t even care if I got burned.
His eyes brought me back to reality. Maria says that
he runs hot and cold. She said that when he’s angry,
or when he touches her, or when he tells her that he
loves her, his eyes flicker like fire.
When he looks at me, his eyes are like ice.
I learned that it was better to forget it ever
happened. Everything worked out eventually. Now,
Isabel has Alex and Tess has Kyle. He has Maria. Max
has me. We’re all happy now. Michael and Maria bicker
more than ever. Maria swears that she loves him more
than ever. I know he feels the same way. I can tell
just by the way he looks at her. I’m glad that he
makes her happy. She deserves that.
Our lives are so different now. We don’t have to look
over our shoulders every five minutes. We’re not
letting some mother from another life determine our
fates. Courtney was gone long ago. Kyle and Max are
almost friends. Michael doesn’t have a reason to run
from Maria anymore and I’ve done my job. I saved the
world, for Max’s sake. I don’t have a reason to try to
push Max away anymore.
They have three children. Two little girls and a boy.
Maria’s pregnant again. She wants another little boy.
She said that since I’m the godmother, I could name
this one. I would name him Michael.
Max and I have been happy for years. I fall asleep in
his arms every night. I wake up in his arms every
morning. It’s perfect. I never thought I could be so
happy.
And when I wake up shivering in the middle of the
night, I let Max think that it’s because I’m cold.
I hardly think about it anymore. It’s as if it never
happened. I’m happy with Max. I don’t have to stay
away from him anymore. He is mine and I am his. Always
and forever. I don’t need anything else.
And when I get too close to him, when I get close
enough to see myself reflected on the icy surface of
his eyes, I just have to remember to forget that
anything happened between us at all. I just have to
remember not to think about how cold his hands felt
against my skin.
I just have to remember not to let myself burn. |