FanFic - Poetry
"The Tess War"
Part 1
by Jude
Disclaimer: Roswell, the characters, and situations are owned by the WB. No infringement intended.
Category: Poetry
Rating: PG

In early spring - April, I guess
She came to town, the dreaded TESS.
For months they'd all anticipated
The coming of the one they hated.
They'd read the spoilers, so they knew
The awful things that she would do.
They'd ranted, raved, and ripped to shreds
"The New Girl" -- because in their heads,
How DARE she think to come between
Dear Max and Liz?! So sight unseen,
Young Tess was called all kinds of names,
And despised for her wicked games.
And when at last this girl appeared,
She did exactly what they feared:
She put lewd thoughts in Max's mind
Of doing the old "bump-and-grind."
"She's rotten!" they shrieked, "Underhanded!!"
Thus Tess with Hussy name was branded...
Along with those who dared to try
To justify her. "Die, Tess, DIE!"
They'd scream. "Let's push her off a cliff!
Let's beat her till she's cold and stiff!!"
(There *were* some who'd not go so far...
They'd simply hit her with a car.)
Her defenders would say she's cute,
Would think the "Lab Scene" was a hoot.
They'd talk about her sassy smile
They liked her spunk, they liked her style.
"She's only listening to Nasedo,
Her alien dad, Mister Potato
Head. She thinks it is her fate
To be with Max, but she's too late.
His "soulmate" Liz got there before her...
Now Max is destined to adore her.
So we should sympathize with Tess --
Not hate her for her face, her dress,
And other things of no import!"

The Tess Haters' reply? "She's SHORT!!"

"But Tess saved Max's life," we'd whine.

"Who cares?" they'd say, "She's still a swine!
And Destiny?? Oh please! Her fate
Is simply to manipulate!!
If you like Tess, you must be nuts!
We absolutely hate her guts!"

"But why?" we asked, bemused, perplexed.

"She's EVIL, skanky, oversexed!!
And no offense to Emilie,
But WE'RE much prettier than SHE!"

And thus the board had one more war,
Much worse than those that went before.
Between the Tess Haters and those
Who loved her. So the war arose --
Both on the board and in the chat,
They argued, each forgetting that
There *is* no Tess, there *is* no Max,
There *is* no Liz, and that's the facts.
There is no need for all this friction...
For heaven's sake, it's ONLY fiction!!
There's no need to list Tess's crimes
One hundred fifty thousand times.
And do we need yet one more thread

By writing this dumb poem, I guess
You'll hate me just as much as Tess.
I'll have to come to chat disguised,
Since that's how much I'll be despised.
They'll call a boycott on this thread,
Throw cyber-bricks at my poor head.
This poem will only then be seen
On Page One-Hundred-and-Sixteen.
But Tess Haters, there is a reason
For why she's coming back next season...
If Liz gets Max, and they're all happy,
What then? The storyline turns sappy.
Tess stirs things up, there is no doubt!
Without her, what's to talk about?
So let's agree to call a truce,
Give Tess a break and not a noose!
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