I could feel a lot of things that day. I could feel the rain coming down softly onto my cheeks, representing the tears I hadn't--wouldn't--cry.

I could feel his hot gaze burn into each and every one of us.

The blame of her death being laid down onto us.

Only weeks before she had lay so comfortable and warm in Kyle's arms and now, she lay six feet under a pile of used dirt where her only companion was the dark.

We shut her out of the world we had created for ourselves, we ignored her, acted as though she wasn't there, she didn't exist to us anymore and I know that by tomorrow her memory will not be etched in anyone's mind....except Kyle's.

Kyle, whose face reflects pain, anguish and anger, all the things we had made her feel.

Seven people showed up for her final view of the world, eight including the minister and six people who Kyle hated. He had hated us for keeping him out of the secrets and sometimes I can feel his hate radiate through me, as if I'm the one who caused all the pain.

Me and only me alone.

*********************************************

I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole...

*********************************************

I couldn't blame him, it was I who had dumped him for someone else. Misled him and then threw him away. He followed me to the ends of the earth and even then I didn't show any kindness, no human emotions towards him. I had spoken out against Tess a few years ago and even now I can see his mind replaying my words to him that night.

He had made, no, he completed her. We rejected her and he accepted her. We ignored her and he made her feel as though she were the only person in the world.

It wasn't enough though. It wasn't enough to save her life, much less her soul, which was scorned.

I didn't understand why she did it, was she a coward? I know suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, like they die because they are afraid to live.

And we instilled that fear within her.

*********************************************

I can not save you... I can't even save myself... So save yourself

*********************************************

In me, it's natural for me to go up to Kyle and tell him it is going to be OK. I used to be the calm one, the rational one and now I don't even think I can hold my own. I couldn't take the chance of talking to him, giving him my deepest apologies because he would nail me on the spot. He would bitterly point out that I didn't care about Tess and that I am probably happy about her death.

It's something I couldn't deny because, after all, it's not like I'm a liar right?

I *won't* lie, I didn't cry when I heard the news. I didn't sob, faint or make the slightest movement...I didn't pretend. I hugged Max and the others because I knew that it was a time of needed comfort. I placed kisses all over Max's face for what he thought were my apologies and condolences but in truth--my gloating over the glory of finally winning.

She was a threat at one point in my life, but not then.

I didn't feel threatened by her after we had abandoned her, kicked her while she was down. The knowledge of her death had sent relief shudders through my body because I couldn't handle then, and I still can't now, the thought of someone else out there having a place with Max.

The funny thing is, if I've felt remorse for anything yet, it would be because of the way she died...because she chose to. I don't feel a pang of guilt swallowing me up, I feel a sense of completion.

The conversation I last had with Tess now echoes in my head. She had pleaded with me to talk to the others, to convince them...to save her from the rejection that would be bestowed upon her. I told her I would try, but when I got home that night I didn't make a single attempt to convince Max otherwise.

*********************************************

I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you...

I can not save you...
I can't even save myself...
So save yourself

*********************************************

In many ways she had saved herself. Yet she killed many doing so.

Strangely, I don't care because she nearly killed my spirit years ago when she brought up the destiny bullshit.

They say watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever.

She didn't disappear, she burned out.

So, I'll let the rain produce the tears that I cannot bring myself to cry and if I choose to mourn, I know that I will mourn not over our loss, but Kyle's.

*********************************************

I can not save you...
I can't even save myself...
So save yourself

*********************************************

I could have helped her, but I didn't. I chose not to and now, I'm pretty sure that my soul is in need of redemption. Strangely throughout all the tragedy and sadness that is taking place around me, I can't help but to wonder what outfit I will wear for the date I have with Max tonight.