FanFic - Other
"Self-Destruction"
Part 1
by Natalie
Disclaimer: Roswell, Michael, Maria and any and all alien babies do not belong to me. They belong to the WB, Jason Katims and Melinda Metz.
Summary: I don't really want to ruin anything. This story is my (incredible angsty) take on the alien baby rumors. It's Michael/Maria as well as some UC couples. Set some time in the near future. PG-13, a few bad words and mentions of sex.
Category: Other
Rating: PG-13
She was going to tell him.

She was going to tell them all.

Today.

Maria had never been so terrified in her whole life as she took the last few fateful steps to where her closest friends sat in the shade of the school's oldest oak tree. The bright sun hurt her eyes and she was amazed by the fact it was not raining. It felt like it should be raining.

"Hi." She spoke softly and five guilty faces turned to her. Even Alex, always the innocent of the group looked like he had just killed a puppy.

Suddenly Maria's resolution to speak flew from her head. Michael wasn't looking at her which was fine, Michael never looked at her anymore, but neither was Isabel and that was strange. Isabel Evans was never too scared to meet anyone's eyes. Especially not someone as lowly as Maria DeLuca. "What is it?" A hand tugged on Maria's skirt. Liz.

"Sit down Maria." She dumbly did as she was told. "There is something... to tell you." Liz looked to Isabel and Michael but neither raised their heads.

"Just tell me." She whispered.

"Isabel's pregnant." Liz spoke quickly like pulling off a band-aid or firing a gun. Maria didn't even glance at Alex, life wasn't that easy. She kept her gaze fixed on Michael. She knew he would be able to feel the weight of all her questions. "It's Michael's." Liz finished. She, Alex and Max looked at Maria expectantly while the sinners kept their eyes down. What would her reaction be? Tears? Screams?

Maria laughed. She laughed and laughed and the sound invaded the solemn silence around so that not even Michael's tight control could keep him from staring at the impossibly merry girl.

She laughed because it made sense. Finally she knew why Michael had left her. She had thought it was her, something she had done. Something they had done... But it wasn't. It was Isabel. He had finally realized Queen Amidala was a girl and now she was pregnant.

Maria laughed because if she didn't all the hurt she felt would be locked inside, eating at her until she was as empty and hallow as her laughter.

She laughed because Michael was finally getting what he wanted, a family, and he looked close to tears.

She laughed because not only hadn't she been able to learn from her mother's mistakes she had compounded them. Falling in love with an alien who had given her one night of himself and then a million more nights of loneliness.

She laughed because if she didn't she'd throw up just as she had thrown up every morning for the past two weeks. She clutched at her stomach as the laughter escaped her, hurting her throat. Isabel's child was going to have a little brother or sister and now she could never tell them. She tore herself away from the group before her laughter could turn to sobs and when Liz reached for her she pulled away but she let Alex hold her, half carry her to his car, because he could understand even if just a little bit and Maria needed some shallow understanding.

******

Alex took her back to his house because her mother would be home and how would she explain her shaking hands?

What was she going to do now? That was the big question. Maria's mind hardened into one thought, to protect her and her baby. She had been so throughly and completely replaced in Michael's life that she could barely breathe. She would never tell him now, her baby's life would not start with a rejection.

Alex led her up silently to his room. It smelt so different then Michael's. There was no dank and musty scent that spoke of mildew and messy sex like Michael's small room had, the last time she had been there. Alex' room smelt like air freshener's, aftershave and her childhood.

He tucked her softly into his bed but she would not let go of his hands so he was forced to settle in beside her, nestled closely in the small twin bed.

As they lay in silence for a moment a thought occurred to Maria and as soon as the thought brushed her mind she acted on it. Immediately. For if she didn't do it immediately she never would and the baby growing inside of her would never have a father. She grabbed Alex's face between her hands and kissed him harshly, plunging her tongue into his unfamiliar mouth.

He let her. He let her because he was hurt and tired of being rejected. He had used his last bit of oh so famous sensitivity to keep from pummelling Michael until his head cracked and teeth bled. Alex wasn't used to such anger inside of him but it felt better then emptiness so he kissed Maria back, knowing that it would hurt Isabel, no matter what she said. He wanted to punish her for every time she had pushed him away.

Alex did not protest as Maria reached for the buttons of his jeans and she almost started laughing afresh because it felt good to be in control of her own life again. Even if she was using that control to self-destruct. She touched Alex for every time Michael had taken that control from her with his kisses and eyes. He finally broke it into tiny, little pieces after they made love for the first, last and only time. It was a mistake, it never should have happened....

They had just lost control, he said.

Soon Maria was kissing Alex for Isabel too and for that unborn child in her womb that was killing four people.

Alex pulled away only once, as Maria was ripping the foil wrapper that covered the useless condom.

"He still loves you. You know that, right?"

Maria smiled a secret, sad smile. The smile of every woman that realized death wasn't kind enough to come to someone just because their heart was broken. "That doesn't matter now, does it?"

She pushed him back onto the bed.

*********

"I'm pregnant." Different girl, same words. This time though, only Liz was there to hear it. It didn't matter, Liz would tell Max and Max would tell Isabel and Michael, saving Maria the effort. "It's Alex's."

"Oh God." Liz's olive skin turned white and Maria wondered how that was possible. "How could you be so stupid?"

Maria shrugged, almost giddy. "I was hurt, so was he. It happened." Her voice sounded too amused to be an unwed mother's. Would Michael be so easy to fool? Probably. People believed the easiest lie. Sometimes even Maria started to believe it. That maybe it was her sweat soaked memories of whispered I love you's against stained bed sheets that were the real lie. "Mom is going to send my away for a while. She doesn't want me to go through all the stares and school hassle. Alex is going to visit me once summer starts.

Liz couldn't speak. Maria squeezed her hand. "It's okay Liz. I'll give it up and then we can go back to normal." Maria had discovered that once you became adept at lying to yourself, fooling other people was easy.

Maria walked out of the Crashdown but quickly backtracked, pulling herself up the metal ladder attached to Liz's home. She could still move easily. She didn't show, even at four months. Two months before she had found out about Isabel, another two since she had dragged Alex down with her.

She couldn't help wanting to hear Liz break her news to the others and her oldest friend did not disappoint. Maria sat quietly, curled beside Liz's window as she friend frantically dialled a number.

"Hi Michael, is Max there?" Of course Max would be at Michaels'. Isabel practically lived there now. Liz quickly whispered her news, begging Max to be quiet but he couldn't stop himself from crying, "Maria's what?"

There was a pause and Maria could imagine Michael pulling the phone from Max's numb hands. She knew it was true because Liz's voice changed and she repeated herself. "Maria's pregnant. It's Alex's."

Once again Maria found herself laughing because every light on Main St. went dark as Michael's heart broke. But this time she also cried. Hurting him hadn't felt as good as it was supposed to and now she didn't even have revenge to keep her warm.

*********

Months passed and Maria grew bigger in her little apartment in a shitbag town not that different from Roswell. Just less aliens. Alex was going to be there soon and Maria was going to tell him the truth. There wasn't much point in lying anymore. Alex wasn't stupid and once he saw her it could be clear that she was more then seven months along.

She sang to the baby living inside of her as she often did, soft lullabies where grass grew green and there was always enough love for everyone. It hadn't took Maria long to realize she could never hate her baby, just as she could never truly hate Michael. She was the most careful of mothers, drinking four glasses of milk a day and never touching anything with caffeine. Her body grew strong as did the baby inside her. He kicked with all the fight of his father and Maria was able to love the spirit of her angry, alien lover in the baby wrapped up in her large belly. She always thought of her baby in male terms. She and Michael were going to have a son. She just knew.

The door bell rang and Maria moved to it was quickly as she could. Her back was hurting from carrying the extra weight. The door opened widely to show Alex's face and Maria told herself not to be disappointed, she never presumed it would be any different. His face was blank and gaunt. Maria wanted to hug him but he had finally spoken and it hadn't been the Hi' or "God, Maria you're as big house!' that she had expected. The words took a minute to reach her mind but when they did her stomach clenched and Maria cried out in the unbelievable pain of her first contractions. Alex's words ran through her head again and again and Maria could not breathe.

"She lost it. Isabel and Michael's baby was born dead."

**********

She screamed out in pain, spread eagle on her small single bed. She cried and told Alex everything, that the baby was coming but they couldn't go to the hospital because the baby wasn't his, it was half alien and she knew why Isabel's baby had died. It had died because of her, because no baby could enter a world that held so much hate for it, hated it for something it could not be blame for, hated it before it's first breath.

Alex just shushed her and placed a cold, wet towel on her forehead. The water dripped down, wetting the collar of her shirt but she could not distinguish the drips from her tears. Alex was whispering many things, of alien physiology and the earth's climate and how he knew, he had always known. The amazing thing was that she could not see any hate for her in his eyes. His eyes were the same as the Alex who held her hand in grade school because her dog had died and her dad left. They didn't hate her, they were just sad.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she pushed and when the first cry of her child entered the world she could feel Michael all around her. She could smell his skin, the flavour of his lips filled her mouth and she knew that wherever he was he was feeling what she felt and the tears on her face tasted like him.

Alex cut the cord as she had shown him and placed the most perfect little boy into her arms. Once she touched her son his cries ceased and his tiny, baby mouth latched on to her nipple, eyes closing trustfully.

Maria laughed and for the first time in months her laugh was joyful and filled with love.

*************

She dressed her baby carefully in clothes she had knitted herself as Alex told her of her son's little sister birth. Isabel had refused to shower for days and Michael had burned the inside of his apartment in his rage. Alex told her how dead Isabel's eyes had become and how Max had to knock her out before they could take the dead baby from her arms.

"Isabel would have been a good mother too. After the shock wore off she was actually happy. She had always wanted to be a mother but didn't know if she could. The Evanses said they would help, take care of the baby so Isabel could go to school. She would touch her stomach and smile, saying that this was all meant to be. That it felt right."

Maria bent over her son's head, placing a light kiss on the crown of his head. His light, downy hair tickled her lips. "I know exactly how she felt." Maria went back to pack her son up. Baby wipes, small shoes, soothers and a rattle. Finally Alex exhausted himself and took notice of Maria's carefully controlled movements.

"Are the adopted parents coming so soon?" Maria shook her head, Alex had though the Adopted parents had been paying for all this, the apartment, food but there never had been any prospective parents, just a full college savings account that Amy DeLuca had been putting money in since before Maria was born.

"Take me back to Roswell."

*********

Could she do it? Maria sat staring at the dashboard in front of her, she could not look at the miracle in the car seat beside her. If she did she would never been to do this.

Her hands shook as she wrote the short note of the back of a napkin that had been lying on the floor of Alex's car. She wrote in pencil, she had tried a pen but her tears made the ink run. She wrote,

What is gone can never be replaced but I know you have enough love in your heart for two. His name is Alexander Evan Guerin. Tell him his mother never stopped loving him.

Her tears rolled town Maria's cheeks and splashed on to her son's sleeping face. He awoke with a cry and his unabashed cries almost broke Maria's resolve. Alex wisely said nothing as she fought a battle in her own heart. Finally her cries stopped and she unbuckled her seat belt and unlatched the car seat, using it to carry her baby, the other hand filled with the bags she had packed for him.

"Leave." She whispered to Alex.

"What?"

"Leave." She met his eyes for a moment but had to look away because her lip started to tremble and she needed to keep control for just a little bit longer.. "Please, I have to do this myself." She climbed over the seat and kissed him on the cheek, letting his warm skin take the cold from her lips. "Thank you."

The Evanes doorway was cheery, lit up by the warm colours of the paint and the many lights on in the house. Carefully Maria set her son down on the doorstep. This was the last time, she promised herself, that her heart would break.

Leaving the short note on an unused napkin on top of Alexander's warm cotton blanket Maria rang Isabel's doorbell. One last look in to her baby's eyes. The next time she saw him, if she ever saw him again, he would no longer be hers. She searched his face for traces of herself. Maybe the nose was hers, small and upturned, the chin too but the eyes belonged to Michael and that was the important part. She took a snapshot in her mind of her beautiful boy, haloed by the bright porch light. She put it with the memory of Michael's face as he whispered I love you' with awe and passion colouring his eyes as they lay in each other's arms in the quiet hours of night when the world seemed unreal and the only thing that mattered was love. Both memories gave as much pain as pleasure but Maria welcomed there cuts for if protecting herself from hurt meant never having these secret treasures she would welcome pain for the rest of her days. She laughed one last time, not bitter, just honest and sad. She was a fool.

Without looking back, Maria DeLuca started the long walk home.

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