FanFic - Other
"Liz's Season Two Journal"
Part 6
by Faile
Disclaimer: Roswell and the characters, and situations are owned by the WB and Melinda Metz. No infringement intended. Summary: I doing entries for both Liz and Future Liz for this episode. I hope you like it!!
Summary: Lizís unseen Journal entries.
Category: Other
Rating: PG-13
Authors Note: The writers on Roswell have been lax as far as the timeline goes. Iíve decided to give up on keeping track of the dates. Iíve started this entry the morning after Max saw Liz and Kyle in bed together and itís a school day.
Journal entry fifteen...

Well, it's the 'morning after'. I've seen movies that had a 'morning after' in them. Of course in movies, the people actually sleep together. Nothing really happened between me and Kyle, but I still have to deal with it as if something really happened. Today I have to really face what I've done and somehow find the strength to keep up this lie. Kyle said he wouldn't tell anyone and I believe him. He is actually a really good guy and you know what, I almost wish I could fall in love with him. It would certainly make things a lot easier. But I can't love Kyle, my heart will always belong to Max, even if I can't be with him. I feel kind of bad about asking Kyle to help me out. He hinted that he and Tess were getting friendlier and that he liked her. I, of course, didn't tell Kyle that my main reason for pretending to sleep with him was to push Max and Tess together. I just keep on hurting people I guess. I did what I had to do, and now I have to live with the consequences.

I tried to sleep last night, but every time I closed my eyes, I saw Max's face as he looked at me and Kyle through my bedroom window. So I ended up just staring at my ceiling all night. I'm numb now. I can't even cry anymore. Now, even with my eyes open, all I see is Max's face as he looked at me and Kyle. He was so hurt, so lost. I can't believe I did that to him. I wonder what he did after he left here last night. I hope he had someone to talk to. If only I did. But this is a burden I get to carry alone.

Before the future version of Max vanished last night, he told that watching me do that was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Well he has no idea how hard it was for me, and it will be even harder for me to continue with this alone. But I had no choice, I had to push Max away. Now I have to go on with my life and I have to do it alone. I gave up a life with the man I love more than anything else in the world and now I have nothing to show for it except the belief that I did the right thing. I can't even tell anyone why I did what I did. I can't take the chance that I will cause Tess to leave town. She has to stay in Roswell and Max has to stay away from me.

I guess I should get ready for school. Today will be one of the hardest of my life. I only hope I can avoid Max today. I'm so tired and I don't think I can handle facing him yet. Then there's Maria. How am I going to keep this from Maria? Hopefully she will be too distracted with the Michael and Courtney thing to notice something is up. That's a horrible thing to hope for my best friend and I feel really horrible for thinking it. I just know if Maria finds out, sheíll know itís not true. She knows I would never sleep with Kyle. Deep down Max probably knows this as well, but he actually saw us in bed together, so he probably doesn't know what to believe. Hopefully seeing it was enough for Max to believe it really happened.

Journal entry sixteen...

Talk about a crazy couple of days. In the last two days, I met a town full of Skins and almost died in that town. By some miracle we got out alive. I also found out Courtney is a Skin, only according to Maria she's the Michael worshipping kind. Some other highlights of the last couple of days include having to see Tess with her head on Max's shoulder, telling Tess that Kyle was 'great' in bed, and telling Max that I made love with Kyle. All in all it was a tiring weekend and I am so glad it is over. The realization that there is a town full of Skins out there is kind of frightening. Courtney destroyed their 'husks' so supposedly they should die soon, but I'm afraid it's not over. I mean what if they come here to Roswell. I guess I shouldn't think about it too much. I mean there is nothing I can really do.

By the looks of things on our road trip, I think Max and Tess are getting closer. Which was my goal I guess. She thought that Kyle and I slept together and the only way she could have known that is if Max had told her. Michael, Isabel, and Maria seemed to have no idea. I can't believe she asked me how he was and I also can't believe I told her he was 'great'. I mean what else could I say. It was great of him to help me out. Keeping up this lie is so hard. She believed me though. I wish there was some way I could avoid Max and Tess, but I have a feeling that the secret we share will always bind me to them. Of course my secret will always keep me from Max.

Even though Tess and Max are spending more time together, Max still doesn't believe me about what happened with me and Kyle. He can tell something is up. He just has no idea what it is and hopefully he never will. I think when I told him I made love with Kyle it was enough to get him to leave it alone for awhile. God, it hurt to say those words. I think it was harder to say them, than it was for Max to hear them, if that's possible. I hope it was enough to get him to leave me alone. If he found out the truth, I think he would insist that we could be together. Now that I know what can happen if Tess leaves, I know I have to prevent Tess from leaving, no matter how much it hurts. I donít like her, I donít trust her, but Max, Isabel, and Michael need her. The future version of Max said I needed to make Max fall out of love with me so that is what I intend to do. I have to make Max believe that I really slept with Kyle.

I'm still kind of numb about hurting Max and the tears just won't come. Does that make any sense? I really wish I could confide in Maria or Alex about all of this, but I just can't risk it. I have to go through this alone. I wonder if the future version of Max thought about that when he asked me to do this. I wondered if he realized how hard it would be for me to go through this alone. I certainly didn't think about it when I agreed to help him. Of course I really didn't have a chance to think about it and I also really didn't have a choice. I couldn't let my relationship with Max jeopardize the future of a whole planet. It's so surreal to write that. The fact that something I do could affect so many. I used to be just an average small town girl, now I know things the average small town girl shouldn't know.

When Max confronted me about Kyle, I told him that he puts me on a pedestal and you know what, even though I was saying it for effect, it's true. He sees me as this perfect person, which I'm obviously not. I'm far from it actually. A perfect person would have found another way to push Max away besides making him believe I slept with someone else and ripping out his heart in the process. I wish I could have found another solution. There is no use in wishing though. Maybe if he starts seeing that I'm not perfect, heíll fall out of love with me. I want more than anything to be with him, but that would be selfish of me. We were both selfish in the alternate future and it caused the destruction of everyone we loved and the end of the world. I can't let that happen again.

God, I'm so tired and numb. I think my Mom is worried about me. I even have to pretend everything is okay at home so she'll stop worrying. I guess it will get easier with time. I certainly hope so. I'm not sure how long I can do this honestly.

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