|"Nothing to Lose"
"Making Deals With God "
by Lovely Poet
Disclaimer: I wish, wow do I wishÖ if they were
wouldnít be in Ohio eating Lipton dinners.. The
belong to Penny Framstad from ďBest day of your
can listen to the song at
Summary: A brief fluff piece wherein a few people conquer some silly fears.
Authors Note: FEEDBACK: Yes, pleaseÖIím writing it with a major case of insomnia and Iím not usually one to try first person ramblings (unless theyíre mine) So Iím seriously afraid this SUCKS.
| //I would sell my soul
For one more taste and touch of your skin
You're so intoxicating, I need you again
I'll never be the same
I'm so high, you're driving me insane
I'm going down //
He never showed up. Ok, ok, so I never really thought he would but me and my dreams, sometimes I forget that theyíre just dreams. Iíve been having this one dream for a while and I swear it makes me think that Iím going out of my mind. Iím not used to dreams that let me FEEL things. Usually I can see and I can hear, but I can actually taste his lips on mine when heís kissing me.
Sometimes I wonder if heís really thereÖ like Isabel was that time. Then I remember that heís too busy running away from everything to take the time for a quick vacation into my subconscious. But when I wake up, itís like I could lick my lips and there would be Tabasco sauce on them.
I want him so much. He canít not know how much I want to grab him and drag him into the eraser room. Does that make me a slut? The fact that anytime I can see him itís all I can do not to wrap myself around him and tell him that I need to feel his hands on me.
Itís not just about sex though. It canít be since we havenít ever actuallyÖThere really is more to it than how he makes my skin heat up just by looking at me, how he makes every piece of my body vibrate for his touch.
Iím not making a convincing case am I? Heíd understand what I mean. Heíd know why I canít even put it into words half the time. Iím not even sure the words exist. Itís just this feeling that aches in my chest whenever heís near and I canít touch him or talk to him or tell him that I miss him.
I asked Isabel to try and get him here tonight. I thought maybe if he saw me somewhere where I was shining, heíd come back. I alienated Alex, I took over his band, his chance to impress Isabel and neither of us got what we wanted. Neither of them showed and Iím just trying to figure out what I have to do to get Michael in my life.
// I'd give all eternity to feel you deep inside I come to you wide open, with nothing to hide I'm flying through the flames I'm so high, you're driving me insane //
Time stopped. That sounds so clichť but there is no other way to describe what happened tonight. If I really wanted to admit it, itís the only way to describe what happens every time he touches me.
I felt his hand cup my face and his lips touched mine and suddenly there wasnít anyone else in the entire world. Just him, me and all those memories that he dug out of my heart. And he walked away. I let him into my soul again and he ran away. Heís getting really good at that and it scares me.
I canít handle him walking away anymore. Every time he does it just hurts more and takes longer to deal with. If he keeps this up, Maria and I are going to have to buy stock in Ben and Jerryís.
He already knows everything about me. I have no secrets from him. At this point, even if it werenít for the connections, I donít think I could have any secrets. So why does he keep turning away. Itís like some sort of test. Like walking over hot coals. If I can get all the way across the coals without getting burned, eventually Iíll be worthy of him.
Itís too late. Heís burned me through and through. Iím branded. Iím his and if he doesnít want me Iíll go insane. Heís the only person that can make me happy and he knows it.
// Am I this far gone to be Making deals with God To have you, I would give what I haven't got But I haven't got anything I'd give anything, I'd give everything //
Itís official. I really have lost my mind. Iíve been praying for him to come back to me. For as long as I can remember Iíve prayed for a father that will love me. Now Iím praying that an alien will. The stupid part is that my only bargaining chip is to tell you that itís ok if you donít give me my dad, as long as I can have Michael.
Yeah, Iím sure thatís going over really well up there. I can practically hear you laughing at me. Ďthat Silly little DeLuca girl is asking for the impossible again. When will she ever learn.í
I donít want much in life. I just want him. Why is that too much for you to give me?
// Am I this far gone to be Making deals with God To have you I would give what I haven't got What I haven't got I'd give anything, oh yeah I'd give anything What I haven't got //
So what am I trying to say? Heís all that matters to me. I can be happy no matter what if I have him. But if I canít ever understand him as well as he understands me, if I canít have the luxury of telling him I love him with out him running away, nothing else matters. So take away whatever fate you had planned for me. Max Evanís already changed it once didnít he?
After all, I was supposed to die, wasnít I? Or was that part of the plan? To show me the one thing I really need to be alive and then keep me from it. Well itís not fair. Take away Harvard, take away a career in micro-biology, take away 2.5 future grandchildren for my parents to fawn over, I donít need any of it. I just need him.
What else can I give up? What do I have to let you take before youíll let me have his love?
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