And now... she was so cold when I wanted to help her. I guess she's just taking her cue from me, though. Why am I so hard on her? Is it because I know I she cares and I don't know why she does, or because I know I care and I shouldn't?

She kept the napkin holder. I tried to act all aloof when she said that, but inside my heart leapt a little. She wanted to keep something I made her- it meant something to her. I tried so hard to keep from smiling. Because that would have let her know it made me happy that she kept it. And I can't have her thinking that we're ever going to get to be together. I can't let myself hope for it. But I want to. Be with her that is.

Ever since we started this whole flirtation, it's like something in me shifted. I don't know when it happened but I know why. It's cause she looks at me with something other than hatred or annoyance. She looks at me like I'm special. Like I'm the only one that can make her feel good.

And I want to make her feel good again. That night- the Heat Wave, I don't know what came over me. I just needed her, to be with her, to feel what it was like to have someone mean something to me. And she does. Mean something to me.

Whenever I think of that night, I can't help but miss her. Not just the sex, but Maria. She did something to me that night, and I don't know what it is, but I'm having a really hard time separating myself from the world like I used to. I see her, and, I don't know why, but all I want is to be near her.

Damn her! I was fine before she came along. She wormed her way deep inside me- somewhere no one else has even come close to touching. I wonder if she feels the same- like I got to that place inside of her. I want to know. I need to know, but it's so impossible.

That's why I said what I said in the hall. And believe me I know that what I said sounded stupid. I can't be a stone wall when I'm around you, and I can't afford to get indebted to someone or have them be indebted to me? Great excuses for the real reason I can't be near her. Because she makes me feel something other than hurt. I feel like I belong when I'm with Maria. Like I belong to her. And, god help me, I want to. Belong to her. Be the only one deep inside of her.

~~~~~

Deep Inside Of You- Third Eye Blind