FanFic - Michael/Maria
"Deep Inside of You"
Part 1
by Caty
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that has anything to do with Roswell. Nor do I own the song lyrics, they're "Deep Inside of You" by Third Eye Blind.
Summary: Michael POV, set sometime between "Heatwave" and "Independence Day."
Category: Michael/Maria
Rating: PG-13
"When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you"

She saw something in me that no one else did, not even me. She thought I was worthy of her, thought that I was what she wanted or needed. She makes me feel better than anyone else, like I do actually belong in this world, that I'm not a complete screw-up. "A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you"

She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in this world. Some inexplicable force draws me to her, the sound of her voice, the curve of her hips. Somehow I became an addict without even realizing, and I'm addicted to Maria.

"These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems"

She changed my life. I couldn't even begin to list the ways in which I'm different because of her. She makes me think about my actions, and how they affect other people. She makes me stop, if only for a second, before I rush off into another scheme. For once, there's someone in my life more important than me. I would gladly submit to a thousand beatings from Hank, if only someone would guarantee me that she would be happy.

"A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah"

Every night, I walk past her house. I watch her sleeping through a window, and I think about what it would be like if I were sleeping in that bed with her. I imagine that I would be able to actually sleep, rather than tossing and turning all night worrying that Hank will come home from that night's drinking spree convinced that there's something I've done wrong for which I need to be beaten within an inch of my life.

"And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you"

Before her, I never minded being alone. I thought Max and Isabel were enough. Now, I know I'm not complete unless she's with me. And that scares the crap out of me. "Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cuz I live to be
Deep inside of you"

Isabel gives me strange looks. She's always been the only girl in my life, and that's different now. Sure, she's still in my life. But Maria is a thousand times more important to me, even if I can't show her that. "Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside

That night in the Crashdown…. I can't even imagine words that could possibly describe it. "I've never felt alone
Till I met you"

I never used to have a problem with being by myself. But now I constantly wonder about her. What is Maria doing right now? What would happen if I were with her?

"I'm alright on my own
And then I met you"

And suddenly I can't bear to be by myself, because I know I'll go to her. So I run to Max, hoping that he'll be able to distract me again. I have to stay away from her, I have to stop myself from hurting her.

"And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming"

I wish I knew what to do. I mean, if we had a guarantee that we would never be going home, I'd have no problem being with Maria. But as long as there's that chance, there's the reality that one day I will leave her. Or, that I won't. The latter scares me the most. All of our lives we've been waiting to go home, and this one small human girl could make me give all that up in a heartbeat without even asking me to. "I would change myself if I could
I would walk with my people if I could find them"

If I could, I would choose to be completely one or the other. Completely human, so that nothing would stop me from being with her. Or completely alien so that I never would have met her.

"And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you"

She always makes me feel guilty. Because it's like I can't not hurt her. Everything, anything I do, and there's that look in her eyes again. That pain which mars her gorgeous face, that conviction that she somehow deserves to be treated like this. She deserves so much more than me. "And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you"

I try to avoid her. Really, I do. But I'm not strong. And eventually, after a week, a day, an hour, a minute, or even a second, I'm thinking of her again.

"'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true"

I don't want to hurt her. That's the last thing in the universe I want. I just want to make her happy. But then, sometimes I feel like just screaming at her. I never asked for this. I didn't ask to care about this human girl who always looks at me with tears in her eyes, tears that I've put there. I don't need that. If not for her, I wouldn't feel like such a worthless loser all the time.

"I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me"

I told her she was getting too intense, and that we couldn't do whatever it was we were doing anymore. Afterwards, I came to realize just how much I'd come to depend on her, even within the short time we were actually speaking to each other. There's emptiness in my life now that I can't fill with anything. She doesn't look at me anymore, it's like she doesn't even see me. I never noticed before how often she let her gaze linger on me, until I didn't feel that warmth on me. "Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you"

On those rare occasions when she can't avoid looking at me, something is different. The warmth is gone from her gaze. It's like I'm just another worthless loser who doesn't matter to her at all. I know that's truly what I am, but somehow she had me believing otherwise. "I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you"

I can't stop thinking about her, can't stop replaying that night and trying to make it all turn out differently. "And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone"

I cry now. Me, who never shed a tear over anything. And I cry like a baby at night, because she's not with me.

"Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you"

I know I'll go back to her. One of those nights when I stand under her window, she'll be awake, and look out, and see me. And she might yell at me, she might curse me, but eventually she'll let me in. And then I'll rediscover the only sanctuary I've ever known. Her.

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