Every day is the same. I get up. I go to work.
Sometime during the day I’ll see Max, Tess and Isabel.
The only one who looks happy is Tess. She always has
this expression that looks like she’s just waiting to
say I told you so. I don’t like her. Sister or not.
Max and Isabel look like hell. Everyday, every time I
see them, they’re putting up a front like everything’s
okay. Max tries to act like everything is okay without
Liz. Isabel tries to act like she hasn’t been sneaking
out to go see Alex every night. And me? I act like
nothing’s wrong too. I tell them nothing’s wrong. I
lie to them. I lie to myself.
My apartment feels empty now. Every day I dread going
home. Every night I try to fall asleep as soon as I
can, just so I can stop thinking about how empty the
place is. It never works. I can’t sleep there anymore.
Every night I end up at Maria’s. Every night I stand
outside her window and watch her brush her hair. Every
night she catches me watching her, calls me the most
insulting things she can think of, and refuses to
speak to me ever again. Every night she lets me
inside. I apologize. She never buys it. She rants, she
whines, she criticizes. I get angry. She gets angry. I
say I never should have come there. She says she never
should have looked twice at my sorry ass. I get angry.
She gets angry. She says that falling in love with me
was the stupidest thing she ever did. I have to agree
with her there. Then I go and do something stupid too.
I kiss her. I kiss her before I have the chance to run
away from her again. I kiss her and she starts to back
away. She never lets me go. Every night is the same.
We fight, I kiss her, we make up. That’s the way it
is.
Last night was a little different. She started crying
this time. Somewhere between her calling me a
heartless bastard that she never should have wasted
her time on, and me getting angry again, she started
crying. I can’t stand to watch her cry. It only makes
me feel worse. So I kissed her a little early last
night. And I held her for a while. She asked me why I
left her. Why I couldn’t stop leaving her. Why I
couldn’t stay away from her. I couldn’t answer her. So
I kissed her again. She asked me if I loved her. I
said yes because it’s the truth. She asked me to never
leave her again. I said I wouldn’t but I knew it was a
lie and I knew that’s what she needed to hear right
then. So I held her and kissed her and lied to her and
said I’d stay. And she kissed me and held me and lied
to me and said that she believed me.
Every morning is the same. I wake up beside her and I
watch her sleep. I brush back the hair that has fallen
across her face. I kiss her cheek. Then I decide if
I’ll leave her again or not.
Every morning I wrestle with my conscious. I don’t
want to leave her again, but I know that’s what’s
best. And I know that I have to stay away from her
this time, but I know that I’ll end up right back here
tomorrow. Usually, I’ll decide to go. I’ll kiss her
again and then slip out of her arms before I have the
chance to change my mind.
This morning is different. I keep thinking about what
happened last night. She cried all night. I made sure
that she was already asleep before I started crying.
I love her. I have to leave her so I can come back to
her. Every morning I have to explain that to myself.
Every morning I have to drag myself from her arms.
Every morning I try to force myself not to look back.
I always look back.
Every morning I have to make myself leave her. Every
morning I promise to make it up to her, to the both of
us. I’ll lie there and watch her sleep and swear that
I can walk away from her and never look back. Every
morning I have to lie to myself.
Just give me five more minutes and I swear I’ll go.
That’s all I need. Just five more minutes alone with
her and then I’ll leave her. I’ll never look back, I
swear it. Just give me five more minutes. |