FanFic - Max/Liz
"Walking Away"
Part 1
by Kippy
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with the show, actors, writers, producers, network, or characters in Roswell. I only wish I did. The song used in Part I is "Fly" by Radford. The song used in Part II is "Walking Away" by Pound and the song used in Part III is "I'll Remember You" by Sophie Zelmani.
Summary: Plagued by troubling thoughts about his identity, Max ends his relationship with Liz
Category: Max/Liz
Rating: PG
Authors Note: Fifth installment of my series ("Not So Secret Admirer", "Get in the Game", "The Walls Come Crumbling Down".
For so long
You've gone on
Trying to see an end to it all
But I know
That your grip is getting loose.

Max Evans sat up in his room, staring out the window, up at the stars. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Just looking out and thinking. Wondering. About himself. About Michael and Isabelle. About he and Liz and the words Michael had said to him so harshly two weeks earlier. *You can't be together. You're not even the same species* And sure Michael had been upset at the time, but there was truth in the statement. Max knew there was. And he tried to push the thoughts out of his head, the thoughts that accompanied the statement but he couldn't. He couldn't dismiss the fact that since he'd revealed his identity to Liz, she had asked all of one question about him and about who he was. He couldn't shake himself of the fact that she seemed to be able to easily forget about the fact that he was different. The fact that she didn't seem at all bothered by the fact that he wasn't even human. That she seemed to think he could do everything normal. That tabasco sauce in his cherry coke was just his own weird dietary quirk. He didn't even know anything about himself, as if he could have answered any of the questions she might have had. But that only added to his confusion. It only added to his confusion and misery.

And you think
If you leave
The pain will go away
You don't know
That you need it to get through

The thought had entered his mind more than once the past two weeks he'd been with Liz. If he were to stop seeing her, if he were to put an end to it. He felt guilty seeing Liz so happy while he had these thoughts in his mind. He couldn't help it. He couldn't help them. They occurred because he was with Liz, because he was so happy with her, because of the feeling of normalcy that swept over him when he was with her, the feeling that he belonged there - with her. And the thing that was keeping him awake at nights was that he knew he didn't. He didn't belong with her. Not now, not ever. He had to end it. No matter how happy he was, no matter how she made him feel.

'Cos I can tell by the things you say
That your feelings will never change
You'll keep coming back to what you know is true

He knew Liz wouldn't believe him. She'd never believe that he wanted to break it off. That he wanted to end this incredible dream. It wasn't like he had woken up one day and stopped loving her. He still felt everything he'd always felt for Liz. He always would. And Liz would know that. She'd know because by now she knew him as well as he knew himself. No matter what he said to her, nothing he felt towards her had changed. And he could lie and lie and lie and Liz would know. She'd know that it would all be a lie.

'Cos it's okay
To wanna be free
It's okay to spread your wings
If you know how to fly
If you know how to feel alive

Max stepped up from the chair and walked - almost as if he was in a trance - towards the door to his room. He had to do it. He, Michael and Isabelle were still figuring things out about themselves. About who they were. He needed to figure that out for himself. By himself. Without Liz. He didn't know enough about himself to be with her. For her to be safe, for her to be okay. And he slowly walked down the hall and out the front door.

So for now
You'll go on
You're crawlin' along for a while
But you're draggin' me down
You're holding me back
You're making it end

His legs felt like lead as he slowly made his way towards Liz's. He knew what this would do to her. He worried about what it would do to them. To the friendship that had made his life so much brighter. The friendship that he'd grown to need. He'd be crushing that along with Liz. His legs continued to move towards the Crashdown however. He would have to go on with his life. He had lived without Liz for ten years. He could live without her now. He knew it would be different knowing what he'd done to her though. Knowing that the pain she felt would be because of him.

And it's okay
To close your eyes
It's okay to fade away
If you don't want to stay
If you don't think you'll survive

As Max neared the Crashdown, all the reasons he'd made for himself for doing what he was about to do vanished. He found himself at the backdoor of the Cafe and the thoughts about him needing to figure himself out, about it being impossible for he and Liz to be together, meant nothing. And the real reason he was doing it became evident. He was scared. He was scared to be with her and at the same time scared to be without her. And it was the fear of being with her that overwhelmed him. Everything he felt was part of that. Everything he felt was because he was scared. Looking up he found himself unable to lift his hand to knock on the door. He inhaled deeply and wiped his face with his sleeve - wiped his eyes. Ever so slowly he lifted up his hand and rapped his knuckles against the wood.

Cos you can fly

Biting his bottom lip to keep it from trembling he used all his strength to keep from turning around. There was no answer, yet he remained standing by the door and waiting.

You can fly

He rubbed his face with his hand again and tried to make himself look a little better, to make it look like he hadn't been up all night thinking about it, that his dreams hadn't been plagued by this matter every night for the past two weeks.

You can fly

Still no one came to the door and Max felt himself breaking down inside. He felt his strength going on him as he thought about having to tell Liz that he didn't want to be with her, having to tell her that he thought they didn't belong together. He thought about life - without Liz. The weight upon his heart at the last thought made him shift his feet and begin to turn around, to return home and get away from here - from these thoughts - but the door swung open and Liz stood in the doorway. She looked at him, at his blood-shot and damp eyes. At the distraught look on his face.

"Max - are you okay?" she asked worriedly and the comment only seemed to bother him more. He didn't say anything and his chin quivered. She stepped close to him and actually smiled. "Just tell me..." she said sweetly, moving closer to him and grabbing his shirt, drawing him to her like she always did when she was about to kiss him. It took all his willpower and it tore him up inside, but he pulled away from her.

"No..." he mumbled and Liz looked at him bewildered by his action. He'd never done that before. Never pulled away. He always told her how everytime he kissed her was magic, how he was never able to break off a kiss because after spending ten years yearning that was the last thing he ever wanted to do. He hadn't broken off a kiss but he might as well have.

"What?" she asked, a growing sense of concern in her voice.

"No..." he repeated, "no I'm not alright."

"Max - what? What is it?"

"I have to leave," he said, his voice wavering.

"What're you talking about?" her eyebrows were sloped into a frown, "you just came-"

"No - ...this," he said softly, his voice nearly a whisper. "I have to leave this."

"Roswell?" Liz thought of the only thing that could make him so upset, "Are you - are you moving?"

"No - this!" Max said it with a sense of impatience. Impatience because this was killing him. It was killing him looking at Liz's confused face, looking at her knowing this might be the last time she looked at him like this. "I mean this..." he said softer, "you and me."

Liz looked at his distressed face and knew that this wasn't any sort of trick. She didn't say anything, but he could see her eyes begin to glisten with tears. She opened up her mouth like she wanted to say something but no sound came out.

"Liz," he said her name softly, unsure as to why.

"What're you..." she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself, tried to keep herself from collapsing onto the cement step. "What're you talking about?"

"Liz," he repeated her name, it was like his mantra - it kept him from breaking down. "It's nothing you did, you have to know that." She stood there, attempting to process what was actually happening. Everything about it seemed fake: Max breaking up with her - God, it sounded like a horrible dream - the way that he was doing it, the things he was saying. It all seemed fake.

"Max..." her voice drifted attempting to search for some sort of explanation. And he didn't have one.

"It's just..." *Just what? Just that I still love you? Just that I'm an alien and you're a human and that will never change? Just that I'm ending the one thing in my life I've ever wanted? Just that I'm completely terrified by the things happening in my life? At the fact that I care about you so much I'd risk my entire existence for you?* His mind raced with thousands of things to say, but he didn't utter a word. With his own eyes getting misty all he could do was begin to back up. "I have to go," he mumbled, backing further away from her. She took one step after him and opened up her mouth to cry out his name but no sound came out.

Max fought hard not to turn around, not to turn around and see her standing there. Don't look back. He said to himself. Whatever you do, don't look back. But halfway down the block he stopped in his tracks unable to keep walking away. He slowly turned his head. Liz was no longer in the doorway. She was one. And slowly, ever so slowly, he began to walk away.

Index | Part 2
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