|"If I Ever Needed You"|
Disclaimer: I do not own Roswell or any of its characters. Nor do I own the song that inspired me: the kinleys~ If Ever I
|He had crossed the line, well maybe not all the way, but Michael was sure he was damn close. He had almost walked away,
again. But this time when Maria saw him about to turn, the tears didnít fall; she didnít plead or whine. She didnít look sad or
angry, maybe if she had he would have left, but somehow he knew, if he turned his back now he would have lost her forever.
That was something he couldnít deal with.|
Michael just collapsed in her arms, making them both fall to the floor. He couldnít remember why he had started this, couldnít remember why they were here, fighting again.
To think he almost lost her, to think she could actually be over him. It hurt too much to think about. Michael knew he would never get over Maria De Luca. He would never stop loving her. He just wished he could tell her this.
"Maria," he said looking over at her. They were lying side by side on the floor of his apartment where they had fallen when he collapsed. Maria had her head propped up on one hand and with the other she was picking lint from the carpet. Why wouldnít she look at him? Michael reached up and swept the hair from her face, placing it behind her ear. She looked up.
"Maria, how could I be so stupid? How could I have left you? Why didnít I realize you wouldnít wait forever?" Michael was on the verge of tears.
Maria let him ramble on and on. He just broke down asking her how she could learn to let go, how she had learned not to love him anymore.
"I still love you, I will always love you. But I had to learn to let you go," Maria said. "If I canít, Iíll die. Michael, I hate to say this, but you are my life."
"Then how come I canít make you my life, I want to, butÖ"
"I understand." Maria understood completely why she had to stay second in his life. She didnít want it to be but it was true, to Michael home and family was most important. He didnít seem like a family guy, but in truth, anyone he considered family he treated well.
"You shouldnít have to understand anything. It shouldnít be this complicated."
"But it is. No use trying to change things we can not."
"Just remind me. Remind me why Iím here, with you. Remind me why we started this whole mess, why I bothered to get involved. I canít remember," Michael said, moving closer to her suggestively. He brought his lips close enough to touch hers, "Give me one reasonÖ"
Maria closed the space between them, pressing her lips against his. Sometimes we all need a little reminder, she didnít mind.
Michael grabbed her hip and pulled her towards his body. The kisses became more insistent and aggressive. Maria could feel him hard against her, their bodies being sealed from head to toe.
Michaelís hands covered every part of her body, finally coming to rest at the back of her hip. Michael moved the kisses from her mouth to her throat. It felt wonderful. As he did this Maria whispered, "Is this good enough for now?"
Michael gave a soft moan, "Forever," was all he could say. And Maria had to agree, if this moment was her last with him, it was enough to keep her alive till the world ended.
Michael seemed to collapse and Maria was concerned. He lay on his back his eyes closed. "Are you ok?" she asked. It didnít sound very intricate or poetic, but it showed she cared.
"Yes, Iím just resting, thinking." He looked so peaceful. Maria laid her head on his chest wanting to stay close to him. She didnít want to stop, but she knew he needed time. He wasnít supposed to get intense, involved, wasnít suppose to have anyone tying him down. She accepted this, well, more like ignored it. She just wanted someone, everyone does, but she wasnít going to sacrifice her heart. So far it hadnít come down to that, although Maria knew it would.
Michael spoke, "Maria, thank you." He didnít know quite why he said thank you, he just knew it needed to be said.
"For what?" she sat up, a confused expression on her face.
"For waiting, for understanding."
"Iím not going to wait forever you know," her eyes looked dark, shaded. "I canít wait forever."
"I know Maria. I need you, now. If ever I needed you, itís right now."
"Iím here, but will you be? When it comes down to the end, will you still be here?"
Michael knew what she wanted to hear, he knew what he wanted to say, but on thing he had learned is he couldnít lie to her. She would know. But if he said "yes" would it be a lie?
"Iíll be there tomorrow," he replied. "Iíll be there in the morning." A glint of recognition flashed in Mariaís eyes as she realized what he was implying. She looked hungry and he was ready to feed her. "I need you, I want you. I want us to be "us," not you and me."
Maria was silent. Finally she thought of what needed to be said. "Michael before we take this to the next level we need to make sure something changes."
"It will," Michael said.
"No I mean I donít want this just to be about sex." Maria knew she wanted to make love to him more than anything, but that was just it. She wanted to make love; she needed to make sure this wasnít just about passion. The lies she had told herself and others about how she didnít care that all she and Michael shared was kisses were killing her.
"Youíve thought about this havenít you?" Michael replied.
Maria was snapped back to reality. She hated to admit it but she had thought about this many times before, long and hard. She lowered her head. "Itís ok," Michael said, lifting her face to meet his. "Now itís my turn to understand."
Maria didnít know what to say. She felt extremely lucky to have Michael. He might not be the best person in the world, but he was the best for her. He understood her and cared for her, no matter how many times he denied it, or if he rarely showed it. Maria knew by the small things he did for her, the small kisses he gave her when no one was looking, the way he tried to protect her from the reality of all that was happening.
But she didnít want him to go through with this if he was going to regret it. That would just make it worse. She couldnít force him to do anything, Michael wasnít one to be forced, but she knew that when it came to her sometimes he forgot everything else.
"I could never regret it," Michael knew that was exactly what she was thinking. He knew she was hesitant because of him. But it was true. If he could share this special moment with her he would never regret it. It wasnít what would make him stay, he knew he would have stayed, sex or not, but it was his way of showing her that he would. She knew he wouldnít do anything like that if he didnít mean it. "I know I said I couldnít get intenseÖ"
"Then donít. As much as I want this, need this, I want for you to be happy. I know you canít be happy if youíre missing me."
Michael couldnít live knowing Maria was unhappy, much less be happy. But he didnít want to leave, even if the chance cam up. "Letís not think about it."
"No Michael. Donít you remember how this all started? This started because we didnít think. We just acted, and now look where itís brought us. Can you say weíve really come very far? I donít think so. So whatever we do, weíre going to think. I donít want it to end."
She was too smart. She knew how to make this work, him and her, and he was glad. Maybe they could make this work. "It wonít," he said.
Maria didnít respond she just leaned over and kissed his forehead. He touch was feathery light and it tickled. Michael let out a little laugh as Maria straddled his stomach. Now he remembered why he was in this. She was perfect, sweet, pretty, smart, aggressive, and she loved him. She was all heíd ever wanted. She kissed his face, avoiding his lips, the final destination.
Michael not being one for slow torture and having no patience rolled her over so he was on top. He smashed his mouth into hers, letting his tongue sweep over he lips, letting her know what he wanted. Maria squirmed and squealed. "Excuse me," she said pushing him. He sat up looming over her small frame.
"Yes?" he teased.
"Who died and made you king?"
"Oh shut up," he said, kissing her again. This time she complied.
Michael ripped at her clothes. He was acting like an animal. Maria liked it. She loved when he got aggressive. He was frustrated, he couldnít get the shirt off fast enough. He looked so sexy with that disgruntled look on his face.
Michael growing more impatient, ripped Mariaís thin tank top, right down the middle, exposing the smooth skin beneath. Maria shuttered as he traced his fingers across her stomach, going around her belly button and back up the center. His touch sent shivers up her spine and tingles all through her body. She couldnít believe his touch. He had touched her before but not like this.
Maria reached up and pulled Michaelís shirt over his head. He sat up to make it easier for her, then crashed back down, locking their lips once more. He reached behind her to bring her closer. The feeling of his skin against hers sent a heat through her body, starting at her core and spreading outward. The feeling was amazing. He worked at her bra as her tongue stroked the inside of his mouth.
"Maria," he moaned. "Oh god." She was happy she could invoke the same feelings within him as he did her. He broke his mouth away from hers and moved his mouth down her body. He was an expert at making her feel special, of arousing her beyond belief.
Maria screamed. She couldnít take it any longer. Now it was his turn.
"Are you ready?" Michael asked.
"Uh-huh," Maria replied. She looked into Michaelís eyes. She could see his concern for her, he wanted this to be perfect for her. They had had tons of fun with the foreplay, exploring each otherís bodies, teasing each other. But they had done that all before. Now they were entering into unknown territory, a land that would change the course of their relationship, a land from which they could never return.
Michael eased into her slowly, trying to make it as painless as possible. Maria closed her eyes tight as he tore the fragile tissues. "You ok? Should I stop?"
"No," Maria replied biting her lip. He leaned down, kissing her lips softly. He was too thoughtful. This would definitely be a night she would never forget. The sweet taste of his lips, the look on his face, the moonlight dancing on the floor around them, yes they were still on the floor, everything, every detail would be implanted in her memory for the rest of time.
As she became accustomed to the feeling of Michael inside of her, Maria began to relax. Michael began to experiment going in faster and slower, watching to see what got the greatest reaction.
The experience was perfect, not what Maria had always dreamed of, but then none of Mariaís dreams had ever really come true, none of them but this. Ever since she had met Michael, kissed Michael, she had dreamed of this moment. She knew he was her destiny, she was supposed to love him, make love to him.
"I love you," she whispered breathlessly, as Michael collapsed beside her for the third time that day.
"I love you too," he said, hugging her to him. With what strength he had left Michael stood up and carried Maria to the bed. He placed her softly onto the mattress and covered her with the blanket. He climbed in beside her, tangling himself in her arms and legs, wanting to be close to her.
He breathed her in, the scent of her hair, her skin, they mingled with each other to make Maria. The smell of their coupling was still in the air. "Sweet dreams, Maria," Michael whispered in the girlís ear, but she was already asleep, lost in her dreams, the one place he could not be with her.
He would just have to go to sleep too. That way morning would arrive faster.
Sunlight streaked through the window, setting Mariaís golden hair on fire. It glistened and sparkled making a smile form on Michaelís lips. He watched her while she slept. The covers had slipped off the bed, the sheets left dangling, caught under Mariaís feet.
He watched her chest rise and fall with each breath. He wanted to take her right there and then, but he let her sleep, knowing she would need it for the day that lay ahead. He didnít want her to have to face school or her mom or her friends. He knew he didnít want to. He would be content to stay in the dingy apartment for the rest of his life if it meant being with her.
Amy wasnít going to be happy. He wondered what Maria had told her. Had she told her anything? He decided to let her escape for the world. At least for a little while longer.
He looked at the clock. It read 9:00. Too late for school. Now there was really no use in waking her. Michael looked back at the sleeping girl. She looked gorgeous, too much for words. "How did I get so lucky?" he whispered into her hair. "I love you Maria." She moaned as if she heard him and pushed herself against him. He went hard immediately.
Michael traced his hands down her side. She wriggled and turned on her back. Her eyes fluttered open looking drowsily up at him. "Morning beautiful," Michael said planting a light kiss on her mouth.
"Mmmmm," she smiled into him reaching her hand up, grabbing the back of his head. She held his mouth to hers as she reached down to find him. He jumped at the touch. Maria giggled.
"You think thatís funny, huh?" he teased, reaching down to return the favor. As his expert hands moved in and out of her he teased her skin with his mouth and tongue.
Maria had to let go of him. She moved her hands to his shoulders, digging her fingers into them. She arched into him, into the feeling he was giving her. how did she get such a wonderful life all of a sudden?
"Michael," Maria cried. Michael pulled himself from her and kissed her.
"You all right?"
"Uh-huh," she said shaking her head. "Iím so happy I could burst."
"Me too. I love you Maria. Iím rady to tell you that. Iím ready to tell you and not run away. Iím finally ready for Maria De Luca."
Tears sprang to Mariaís eyes. Now she needed him. She had always needed him, but now more then ever she needed him to be there to keep her safe. She needed him to stay in her life as long as he could. She had given Michael Guerin a piece of her. a piece of her she could never take back, never wanted back. She had given it to him and now it was up to him what to do with the gift. She knew what needed to be and what might not. "I love you too." She smiled at him.
"Iím hungry," she said a glint in her eye. Michael started to get up. "No, you stay here." She didnít know why she was suddenly so hungry or how she could think about it at a moment such as that. Maybe she just wanted to do something for him, after all he had done. Maybe she thought it would prove to him her love.
Maria went into the kitchen. She rummaged through the cabinets for food. After preparing the perfect meal she went back to the bed, tray in hand. Climbing back on to the bed she brought her mouth close to Michaelís. "So you think youíre ready for Maria De Luca?" Maybe he was.
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