|"Can You Hear Me Changing?"|
by Suzanne LeBlanc
Disclaimer: I wish, I wish, I wish that I owned Max Evans but sadly I don't.|
Summary: Max and the others leave Roswell to find their destiny, oblivous to the feelings that they leave behind. The story is from Liz's point of view. It takes place any time after the 'End of The World.'
Authors Note: As always feed back is greatly appreciated.
|Good-bye my love I whisper as your ship disappears from view into the heavens above me.|
I shed a single tear for you, and you told me that you are not worth even that. If I told you that you are worth all the tears shed in the world cried ten times over would you have stayed? When I go to bed every night I will cry out to you, and when I rise in the mornings alone I will cry out to you. Will you hear my pain? Will you see it? You leave our place my friend, you don't have any idea how I wanted to scream for you not to go. Not to leave me here. I should have told you. Why didn't I tell you? You needed you needed to decide for yourself. You chose your destiny Max.
You leave me to think of you only in my dreams. I dream of you holding me, loving me, and there being no repercussions.
You are a king up there on your throne now. Have you even given me a seconds thought? I look over to Maria who doesn't know whether to fall to the ground with grief or maintain a strong hold. I smile a sad smile at her, she knows what I am thinking of. You.
I'm not ashamed Max that I can't take a breath without saying your name. Did I hide my heart? I know that I didn't. I wore it on my sleeve. You are all that I wanted, all that I thought about. Every time I mention your name I will cry, I will shed the tears of a woman who has lost the only person that she could possibly love.
Oh if you'd come home, I would show you that all you want is right here waiting for you. But you know that, you have known that all along. You told me- I look at my watch, I have been standing here for an hour expecting you to come back to me- that all I had to do was tell you not to go and you would have lived the rest of your life here with me.
I wonder what would have happened if Tess hadn't come into our lives. Would you have decided our destiny for me? Would we have lived as husband and wife as we at one time intended to? Would you have loved me. The thoughts of losing you never entered my mind until she came into our lives, and now look what's happened. You're gone forever.
I can only leave you to make that decision, I love you too much. It would hurt me every time you look onto the stars, I would always think that you would resent me for making you stay, not seeing what you could have become. But Max I will always be here waiting for you. Always.
I look over to Alex, he is going to meet Maria and me at the Crash Down. We are all going to talk. He stayed out there, he told me that he would be on his way shortly. I look one last time at the sky, the moon is rising, and it's getting cold.
Thank you for leaving me the Jeep Max, I'm glad that you taught me how to drive a standard. Thinking of that makes me want to cry, you were so patient. I will have this for the rest of my life, you will always be with me in a sense. I'm driving back into Roswell. The wind stings my tear soaked face, it's getting dark. Why did you leave me?
Maria and I are now in my room, I tell her every little secret. I tell her everything that happened between us. She grew rather sour with me, she resented the fact that you were so open with your love. She is glad though that she had the chance to love Michael. We are laughing now through our tears, we miss the both of you.
I wonder where Alex is.
I hear a noise downstairs, my heart leaps out of my chest. My mind goes through a million scenarios, could you be coming home to me. I race down the stairs into the diner, it's raining Max, does it rain where you are? Do you miss me? I look out the door into the dark world, expecting to see your face, I miss you so much. There is nothing at the door, no one.
Maria and I walk back up the stairs into my room, deeply wounded. I guess that it was childish of us to expect to see you three standing at the door wanting to love us ever so desperately.
I go out to the place where your world used to hide, once a week. I talk to the desert, I talk to you. Do you hear me.
I miss you, it has been a year. I still go out there, not as often now. I still talk to you, I tell you about my life, what has happened since you left. Do you hear me changing? Maria told me that I have changed since you left, she says that I am too serious. She says that I remind her too much of you now. I'm not angry anymore, I just hurt. I was never really angry, how could I be. Did you ever really want to stay with me? Of course you did, you loved me. Loved. Do you feel anything in your heart form me now?
There is a space inside of me that needs to be filled, it has been here since that day. I don't want to leave this place, and risk forgetting all that was between us.
I still have the pictures, the memories are fading now. I wish that I could hold you Max. I'm sitting on the balcony now writing in my journal, I snuggle in the afghan that you gave me so long ago. It still smells of you, I cry for a little while. I hear a noise from the road, my heart doesn't race any longer. I haven't given up hope of ever seeing you again, I'm just so tired.
I walk into my room, and pull the window shut. I have a flash of you coming through there, I frown. I want to cry but I am still kidding myself, I am trying to be strong for you. I lay down in bed, I pray to wake from my dream. This is all a horrible dream. I wonder?
I wake in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat. I dreamed of you again Max. I dream that you called me from the street, I looked over and saw you there. You weren't looking up at me, you were walking away. I began to walk after you, I call out to you and you don't hear me. Why don't you hear me? I wonder where you are going. I jump into the Jeep and follow you out to where the ship used to be. Why do you torture me in my dreams? We reach that place that I have been out to so many times, and you disappear.
I watch it all happen again. You told me that I was so strong. Would you be disappointed of me if you saw me the way that I am now? How I cry myself to sleep every night, do you see that? Do you really miss me as much as you said that you would?
I wonder if you and Tess are happy. Have you had children? Do you think of me Max, I think of you.
I am out there now, I am going to tell you what I should have told you so long ago. Here it goes..
You came to me from the future. We were married. You told me that you can't love me. That the world depended on your not loving me. A candle blew out Max, I light it, take in the smell of the sulfur and continue. You found me in bed that night so long ago with Kyle. I had to Max. I love you as much now as I did then. It hurt me to see you hurt. I love you Max Evans. I yell it out to the world. Do you hear my declaration?
I'm going home now. The wind passes calmly through my hair. Would you recognize me if you saw me now? How couldn't you, I look the same as I did then. I turn on the radio, a sad song plays. I close my eyes, and take in the music. I inhale the desert air, it smells the same as it did that day. Nothing has changed, maybe it's just me that hasn't changed. I still wait for you.
Max the Jeep just died. I pull my cell phone out of my purse, it's dead also. Why does this have to happen to me? I look at my watch, it's 8:07. How could there be no traffic now? Usually this is one of the busiest times. I get out of the Jeep and start to walk back to Roswell, I look one last time at the Jeep.
I can't breathe, you're standing next to it.
"Max." I let out a whisper cry. You're coming toward me, you are walking toward Roswell. The Jeep just started. What's going on Max? Why is this happening to me? I run back to the Jeep, and follow you slowly back to the Crash Down. I pull up in front and walk to you, now I can see that it's not you it's some sort of dream. A cruel dream. You point up the fire escape. Blindly I go up it, still my eyes are fixed on you. I reach the top, nothing.
What was I expecting?
"Liz." I hear a voice call from down below. I turn and look over the edge, you are wearing a white shirt and jeans. I look back to my chair to toss my purse on it, I can't Max because I am sitting there. I watch myself walk to the edge, and look over at you.
You made me happy. Did you know that?
Of course you did.
We talk, you climb up the fire escape as quickly as you possibly could have. You told me that you had to leave or things between us would change. You told me that you would have to ouch my hair because it is so soft, and then you would have. You kissed me like I had never been kissed before. Did you know how badly I wanted things to change?
Did you have any idea how much I loved you, how much I still do? Then like you leave me in my dreams, the two of us disappeared from sight. I guess that my mind is reminding me of how it used to be. How lucky I was to have been able to love you.
I walk into my room, and pull the window shut. I turn and a bright flash of red light floods my room. I turn to face my balcony and there you are, writing on my wall. M. E + L. P . Then the image changes to you and I standing on my balcony escaping form the radio people. I move out of my room and I see the two of standing at a street lamp below. I can't hear anything, but I remember it all. And again the image fades into oblivion.
I'm sorry that I have changed this much, is this why you haven't come back to me Max? Am I so different now that you can't love me.
I crawl into my bed, I smile at your picture. I love you Max. I whisper this as I fall into my dreams.
I wake in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat. I can't sleep. I stand up, and pull my blanket off of my bed. I open my window slowly and wrap myself up. I sit down in my chair and look up at the night sky. I breathe out a cloud of cold air. It is a crisp night. I close my eyes and dream of what we used to share.
"Liz." I hear a whisper from the street. I doubtfully pull myself out of my chair and walk to the ledge of the balcony. I close my eyes not wanting to face what I know is the truth, that you are not there.
I open my eyes slowly to find you standing there. You were so beautiful, I miss you so much. You just look up at me and smile.
Then suddenly you fade away. Where did you go? I turn to walk back to my chair and hear you call out to me again.
"Liz." You are standing halfway down the street. "Come to me Liz."
I don't trust my instincts, but something in the pit of my belly is telling me to follow. I climb down the latter and walk to the Jeep. I look again at you, standing there waiting for me to follow. I look at my watch, it's 2:36 am. My parents are going to think that I am going crazy.
I pull down the sun visor, the keys fall into my lap. I start the Jeep and follow you, I am starting to get anxious. Again you disappear, then reappear forty feet down the road. You are taking me out to the ship Max like you did so many a time in my dreams.
I'm here Max, where did you go? I turn off the Jeep, but I leave the lights on. I'm looking for you. I look to the rock formation that stood in front of the entrance to the cave. I look away briefly, then I look back to see you standing there.
You say noting, but I go to where you are standing. I turn the corner, nothing. Why are you doing this to me?
A flash of green light blinds me briefly. I turn to see what caused it, nothing. I walk out of the entrance, and up the cliff that is here.
I hang my legs over the edge and look up at the sky. Can I see your plant from here? I hear a noise, I convince myself that it's nothing. I look back at the Jeep, the lights are off. Did I turn the lights off?
Great the battery is dead. Is it? Oh well, I just take in the view. Where are you Max? Why did I have to love you so much? I hear a noise again behind me. I pull my pepper spray out of my purse, all I need is to get attacked my some animal.
I wait ready to spring. For a long while I wait, I sit back down and look up at the stars.
The lights of the Jeep are back on. That's weird. I pay no attention to it, the sun is rising Max. It's beautiful. I wish that you were here to share this with me. If you came back would you see me like you used to? With your eyes so full of love. The lights are off again.
"You shouldn't leave the lights on like that Liz, you could kill the battery."
I can't breathe. I turn slowly to face what I know isn't real, I die a little every time this happens and you aren't really here.
You smile and walk to me, I figure that you are just a figment of my imagination. You are about ten feet away from me.
"So have you taken good care of the Jeep?" you smile the most beautiful smile. My heart is dying Max.
You are within an arms reach of me, you brush a stand of hair away from my face.
"Nope.' You whisper to me. 'There is absolutely no way that you could ever be as serious as me."
You kiss me, I let all of this happen. After all it's just a dream. I pull away not believing what is happening.
You laugh lightly at me.
"What?" I ask you through my tears.
"How could I have ever heard you changing? When I saw and listened to everything. I love you Liz Parker, how could I ever love anyone else? I never left you."
I know now that it is all going to be alright again when I whisper three words that I have want to tell you for the longest time.
"I love you Max Evans…"
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