|"The Beginning's End"
Disclaimer: Roswell and its characters belongs to the producers and the
WB...I couldn't come up with any of my own characters, so I had to borrow
someone else's. I'll give them back, I promise, don't sue me I don't have
Summary: Alex's mother runs out and he turns to Isabel for comfort, some very, um, interesting aliens descend on Roswell, and the group takes the granolith out for a test run...this one is going to be really long.
Authors Note: Feedback, please! This is my first fanfic!
|"You know how close you are to your parents, Isabel? That feeling that they
will always be there, for you, no matter what? And this sense that they are
rock solid, and will always be solid for you when you need them to be?" He
seemed to be waiting for a response, rather than making it a rhetorical
question, so Isabel nodded. She did know what he was saying. That was the
feeling she had with her parents here, the feeling she craved so much from
her real mother.
"Well, I had that feeling too, with my parents. And then it just shattered, like someone had taken a hammer to a rock, but found fragile glass instead, realizing it too late to stop the blow. And suddenly my world crumbled beyond recognition, in the space of a few hours, a day, one single choice by one single person. My mother destroyed our family, Isabel. Despite how much I love her, and I still do, I hate her, because she picked up that hammer, and she swung it. She thought we could take it, that he was made of rock and I could lean on him, but it turned out our family was made of glass all the time, that my father is not strong, and I am not even close to strong. And today? Today I learned still more. I thought I had no more illusions left to loose, that I had seen through every admirable quality I thought my parents had. But there was one left, one I didn't even know was there. I always thought they loved me. Even when she left, I knew she loved me. It was just something I had always known, ya know? But tonight…. Well, tonight… He said things to me that a father wouldn't say if he loved his son. And then……. and then……. he hit me. In passing, casually, like it was something he did all the time. Because I hadn't done the laundry. He hit me because I hadn't done the laundry. And God help me, I hit him back. I, who stand here and sneer at my parents because they have no admirable qualities left in my eyes, I hit my own father. I am as bad as they are. Worse, because I know it is wrong, when they don't seem to, but I do it anyways because I am so full of anger and hate I just can't think straight. I hit him, Isabel. I hit my own father...."
It took Isabel a moment to realize that he was crying, but when she pulled him into a hug, tears turned to sobs and his whole body shook in her arms. She did not know what else to do for him, but she thought for some reason that this was enough.
Sometime later, Alex's sobs seemed to grow less violent, and soon he was simply lying in her arms, limp and unmoving. She pulled his face away from her shoulder so she could look him in the eye. He needed to hear what she had to say, really hear it.
"Alex I need to tell you something important. You are a good person." She saw him try to shake that off, to say of course, I know that, but she knew he needed to really understand, not just mouth the right words. "You are an amazing person, one of the best I have ever know. You have no care of what danger you put yourself in, only thinking about those around you. You spend half your nights on the phone with me, trying to make me feel better, helping me with my problems, when you have your own to face. And I have never seen you shirk responsibility. Now, I see something wrong though. Now you are trying to take responsibility for something that is not your fault, and you shouldn't. You are an amazing person, and this is NOT YOUR FAULT! It is not your fault that your mom left, no matter what he says. And you are just about the strongest person I know. Strong enough to be there when I need you, when any of us need you. You are a great friend to Liz and Maria, and especially to me. Probably the best I have ever had. You must believe me, you must see it, not only because it is true, but because if you try to take this blame from your parents, you will destroy yourself, and I can-not-lose-you." She tried to put the force she felt into those words, because the destruction she saw beckoning, when he had sobbed in her arms for defending himself, had scared her more than anything else she had ever faced. She needed Alex, and she realized it now, she needed him as she had never needed anyone else in her life. More than her parents, more than Michael and Maria and Liz, more than Max, more even than her real mother. Somehow, without her realizing it, Alex had become a part of her. I love him, she thought, knowing that saying the words in her mind was not enough, but afraid to say them aloud. I love him, and I can't lose him.
Looking into his eyes, she searched to see if he had listened, if he accepted what she had to say, and she saw something change there. She could still see hurt, unimaginable pain, but she also saw something else, and it made her feel like she had succeeded at least partly. There was hope in his eyes, and acceptance. She nearly laughed at seeing that, so great was her joy as she realized she was not going to lose him, at least not like this. That still left her with something to say, but she couldn't do it. Especially not now, when he was so hurt. Yeah, a little voice said dryly, that is the only reason you are not saying anything. It can't possibly have anything to do with being scared of what he will say.
Smiling uncertainly, Isabel wiped the tears from his face. "There you go. Now you understand, I can see it in your eyes. So can we have a little quiet around here? I'm never gonna get any sleep," she added playfully, tapping him on the nose. He smiled tremulously back at her, and she pulled him into another hug. Finally letting go, Isabel tried to settle down again, but she couldn't. He had shared his soul with her, telling her about his father, and she had not returned the same trust to him. I can't do that now, she argued, he is dealing with his own problems now, and I can't burden him with mine. Yet the urge remained, and she realized that is was as much for her as it was for him. Yes she would be giving her trust to him, but the real reason she wanted to tell him was that she needed to tell someone, and if she had a choice of who to trust with it, it would be Alex. She needed to let go of this secret before it destroyed her. Still, she resisted. I am just being selfish, she said to herself, Alex needs this time to heal.
Finally noticing that he was looking at her, Isabel blushed, knowing she must have looked very odd as she lay there arguing with herself, but Alex smiled reassuringly.
"Isabel, do you have something to tell me? Is something bothering you? I can see it in your face."
"Alex, I don't want to tell you this now. You have had a horrible night, and you need to focus on yourself tonight. I'll tell you some other time." Even as she said it, Isabel realized that it was untrue. There would never be another time when her walls were so worn down by physical and emotional exhaustion that she let herself tell. And if she didn't tell someone, she knew she would destroy herself. Yet she refused to destroy Alex instead, as she was afraid would happen if he did not have time to heal and forgive himself.
Laughing gently, Alex took her face in his hands. "Isabel, you are the only reason I am not in self destruction mode tonight, the only reason I can laugh at all. You act like you would be selfish to tell me, but I would be selfish if I didn't force you to, because it's obvious that you need to get it out. Now tell me."
Isabel looked into his eyes and saw that he was telling the truth: he could handle it. And he would never forgive himself if he didn't try to help her. It might even help him to help someone else, she thought, and then shook her head in self-disgust. Stop trying to justify it. You are being horrible. But the thought did not have much force to in, and she gave in.
"Alex... I never told you everything about Vilandra. It is not just that she was my former life, or that I caused this whole war." Alex tried to break in, to say what he had been saying all along, that she wasn't responsible for what she had done in a life she didn't remember, but Isabel went on relentlessly. "Don't try to say it was not my fault, that it was her fault. I am her, Alex. And I remember, sometimes. Little bits and pieces of that life. But that is not even the worst of it. I betrayed everyone, Alex. I betrayed Max and Michael and Tess, or whoever they were then. I even betrayed my real mother. I betrayed them to be with that monster Cvar, the one from the summit. Because I loved him, or thought I did, and I killed millions and millions of people. Not with my own hands, but with my actions, my choices. And I killed my brother, and Michael and Tess, or as good as. I betrayed them then." Isabel took a deep breath, steeling herself for this last part, forcing herself to go on. "What if I do it again?" Her voice was barely a whisper. "What if I betray them all again? How will I know if I am no better than her?" She realized that there were tears running down her face, but she made no move to wipe them away.
Alex stared at her for a long time, and then said something she had not expected. "Isabel, I love you. I know you probably know already, and don't reciprocate, but I am telling you anyway. I love you because of who you are, and who you are is Isabel. Not Valondra, Isabel. You will never betray Max, or Michael or Tess. I know you so well, and I also know them. They love you. More than anything in the world. Especially Max. They love you, and trust you, as you love and trust them. And you are not going to betray them."
"How can you know, Alex? No one can, not even me."
"I know because I know you Isabel. And do you think I would go around loving just anyone? I don't think so." He smiled half-heartedly, as he realized he really had just told her he loved her. Isabel reached out to touch his face, trying to reassure him.
"Alex, I realized something tonight. When I said I couldn't lose you? I realized that I love you, more than anything, and that is why it scared me so much that I might lose you. I love you Alex."
Alex looked at her incredulously, so shocked he let his jaw drop. And then he pulled her close, and held on to her as if their lives depended on it. Surprised, Isabel giggled, and another tear that she had been trying to hold in rolled down her cheek. Watching it, Alex bent his head towards hers and kissed it away, following its path down her cheek, and then did the same for all her tears. He kissed her eyes, and her nose, trailing his lips across her face toward her mouth, and Isabel felt a thrill of anticipation run through her. His lips reached hers and he kissed her, gently, questioningly, yet just a simple touch sent a shock through both of them. Slowly, Alex deepened the kiss, and Isabel responded. As their tongues touched, another thrill of anticipation hit Isabel, and she groaned into his mouth. Alex shifted his hands around her, and moved on top of her. Isabel felt something pressing against her, between her legs, and suddenly she realized what they were doing, what they were going to do, if they didn't stop right then. Breaking off the kiss, Alex looked at her, realizing the same thing, asking her silently whether she wanted to stop or go on. She sat up and smiled at him.
"Alex, you know how when you were coming in, I was under the bed? Well, I was hiding this shopping bag." She blushed, and hurried on before she lost her nerve. "My mom took me to the drug store today. It was supposed to be a fun little mother daughter outing, but really it was the next stage in The Talk." She took a deep breath. I can't believe I am saying this! "She took me to buy condoms, Alex. So, if we, um...I mean since we are going to...well, we should get one," she finished all in a rush. Scrambling under the bed, she grabbed the shopping bag and pulled one of the boxes out. Taking one out of the box, she stuffed the rest back in the bag and pushed it back under the bed. Then she handed it to Alex.
Chuckling quietly to himself, Alex took it from her and placed it on the bed table. Then he took her in his arms and kissed her, so intensely that it sucked her breath away. She let some of her desire come through in the kiss, and it was his turn to moan into her mouth. She felt his tongue caressing hers, and a shiver of anticipation ran through her as she tried to move even closer to him.
* * *
Lying in Alex's arms, Isabel sighed contentedly. She hadn't felt this safe, this loved, in a long time. Snuggling in closer, she closed her eyes and was asleep in moments.
|Part 2 | Index | Part 4
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