#302 Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper - Information

Writer: Ronald D. Moore
Director: Paul Shapiro
Production Code: 3ADA02

First aired: October 16, 2001

Guest star: John Doe (Jeff Parker), Joseph Williams (Singer), Kathy Byron (Bartender), Earl C. Poitier (George), Martin Starr (Monk Pyle), Michael Pena (Fly), Steven Roy (Steve), Jason Peck (Sheriff Hanson), Terry O'Quinn (Carl)

Description: Michael would like get a grip on his live on Earth. Therefore he accepts a second job als night watchman in a chemistry company. But then he and his crew get fired, because some snapple is missing... snapple Michael stole. Michael feels responsible and he tries to get the thing straight. Kyle don't want to play the family breadwinner anymore. When he hears that this father choose a chareer als lead singer in a band he get's mad.

Transcript | Screenshots & Episode Stills | Music | Quotes

#302 Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper - Transcript

Karl: so, Mr.. Gweerin--
Michael: Guerin.
Karl: It says here you've been an emancipated minor for the last 2 years.
Michael: Yeah.
Karl: A lot of responsibility for someone your age. You like responsibility?
Michael: Yeah, sure. I like to stay on top of things.
 [Michael's memories of his recent "staying on top of things"]
Michael: I only got 4 notices! How can you cut off my power?
Michael: I'm a big believer in self-discipline.
Michael: I'll take it. [Michael buying a TV]
Karl: What about school? Aren't you worried that a second job might interfere with your studies?
Michael: I think I can handle it.
Karl: Ok. Let's cut to the chase, Guerin. You already have a job flipping burgers. Why do you want a second job?
Michael: Well, there are many reasons. Uh... But I think the primary one is... [More memories of the last date with Maria]
Maria: Please don't tell me that the words, "Maria, can you pick up the check?" Are going to come floating out of your mouth once again, because if so, I swear to god, Michael...
Michael: Financial.
Karl: I see.
Michael: And I guess i sort of want to see what it's like out there in the world.
Karl: Congratulations. You are now Meta-Chem pharmaceutical's newest security guard.
Michael: When do I start?
Karl: Orientation's tomorrow night.
Michael: I'm not going to be done at the Crashdown until 10:00. Is that too late?
Karl: We don't need you till 0200.
Michael: 0-2... That's 2 am.
Karl: That's right. 2 to 7 every night. You're working the graveyard. I'll see you then. 
 
[Max reading from Liz's letter]
Liz: Dear max, it's so horrible and so unjust to pass you in school and have to wonder whether some teacher's going to call my father. But no matter how hard my parents try, nothing can keep us apart. I love you, and even when I can't see you in the day, I see you at night in my dreams.  And I have been. Dreaming about you.  Over and over, it's you and me holding hands and flying through the night. I know it sounds cornball, but it isn't. It's amazing, like superman and Lois lane in the first movie. You know, the good one. 
 
[Liz sees Max looking in the window of the Crashdown, as her dad walks up]
Liz: He wasn't coming in.
Mr. Parker: Let's get back to work.
Liz: He wasn't coming in here. He wasn't breaking the rules. 
Mr. Parker: We'll talk about it after your shift. OK?
Liz This is so ridiculous. You can't keep us from seeing each other. 
Mr. Parker: Oh, table 11's waiting. 
Liz:Ohh! Look at that. 
[Kyle enters and slams the door] 

Jim: Kyle? Hey, son, how was work? 
Kyle: It sucked as usual. Toby has me rehabbing brake pads again. Hmm.
Kyle: "Your credit rating may be adversely affected by this action." Well, it's nice of them to let us know. So how's the job search going? You got any prospects for a full-time, well-paying job in your future?
Jim: Well, actually something did sort of come up.
Kyle: You got a job?
Jim: Well, it's not exactly a job. It's a sort of a... How do I describe this? It's a business. Kind of a small business.
Kyle: This i like. I like this. Small business?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Kyle: That sounds profitable. Ok. Hit me. Pitch me. Make me proud.
Jim: I think i should pursue this a little bit further. I'll tell you about it in a few days.
Kyle: Ok. I can handle that. I think. 
 
[Inside Michael's apartment]
Maria: Michael, please. Come out. You've been in there an hour.
Michael: Go home. I will see you tomorrow.
Maria: No. I want to see it.
Michael: Maria... [Max walks in]
Maria: Hey, max.
Max: Oh, sorry. Bad time? Is this some deranged sex thing?
Michael: I got a job.
Max: Security guard?
Michael: Gotta start somewhere. What are you doing here?
Max: Nothing. I just...
Michael: Maxwell, it's the middle of the night. What's going on?
Max: Well, you heard about my dad and i... That I moved out?
Michael: yeah, you left the loving parents, the cushy home, college fund. Smart move.
Max: Yeah, I just... Look, I need a place to crash for a couple days, until I figure something else out.
Michael: So, how does the Chevelle figure into this?
Max: My car?
Michael: Do i get driving privileges?
Max: Yes, Michael.
Michael: The couch is yours. 
[Scene switches to a convenience store where Isabel and Jesse are meeting]
Isabel: Mr. Ramirez, fancy meeting you here.
Jesse: Isabel... Evans, isn't it?
Isabel: Mmm.
Jesse: Aren't you out late for a school night?
Isabel: Well, I'm in college now. Sometimes... I'm out all night.
Jesse: I cannot believe we're meeting in a convenience store.
Isabel: My parents never shop here.
Jesse: Why don't you just tell them about us? I mean, eventually the smell of microwave burritos is going to kill the mood.
Isabel: We will. We will tell them. We just have to ease them into it over a decade or two.
Jesse: Isabel, you're 18. You're an adult.
Isabel: My parents can barely get used to the idea of me dating high-school guys. You're a 26-year-old lawyer who works for my father, who's...
Jesse: Who's Latino?
Isabel: You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan.
Jesse: Ha, ha.
Isabel: Jesse, that is totally not it.
Jesse: So, what is it?
Isabel: This is just the worst time. My parents are all freaked out about max moving out, and I just think we need more time before anybody knows.
Isabel: Ok?
Jesse: Ok.
 [Kyle comes around the corner and sees Isabel and Jesse kissing]
Kyle: Whoops!
Isabel: Kyle.
Isabel: Hi.
Kyle: Hi.
Jesse: Hi.
Kyle: My dad neglected to stock the fridge, and so i needed...
Isabel: Ho-hos, of course.
Kyle: Ho-ho.
Kyle: Bye.
 
 
Guard 1 (Monk): What are you doing, man?
Michael: Watching a replay of tonight's game.
Guard 2 (Fly): Hey, Chico, you can't do that. Can he do that? Can I do that? ST>Aren't you supposed to be checking the motion sensor logs for the anomalies?
Michael: Done. But here, I'll check again. Checked... And rechecked.
Guard 3 (George): Hey, Chico, can I get that on my screen, too?
Michael: Hold on. ST>Michael, turn the game off, man. That's not cool.
Michael: Ok, Steve, here's the thing. This job sucks. It's the most boring thing I've ever done in my life. I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna do what i can to improve the work conditions. That means this. [Michael takes off his tie] ST>The company has a very strict dress code.
Michael: Yeah, but who's going to enforce it?
Guard 1 (Monk): Suddenly, I feel very bad.
Michael: Now, i know you want to take that off. Come on. ST>Somehow... I know I'm going to regret this.
Michael: Yeah!
Guard 1- Monk: Score! Yeah!
 [Michael enters with poker chips and cards]
Michael: Boys, I have come bearing gifts.
Guard 1- Monk: What you got, man? Oh, sweet, dude! 
[Michael and the guys are shown messing around at work, playing cards, watching TV, eating pizza, drinking Snapple and generally goofing off.]
 
[basketball bouncing down the hall] 
Michael: door 52 secure, sir. ST>You've certainly made the guys a happier crew. Fly was actually on time tonight.
Michael: Just trying to make things more interesting. Door 53 secure. Job still sucks. ST>Look, Michael, I just don't want this to get out of control. Some of us need this job.
Michael: You take this job way too seriously. What's the worst that could happen?
Guard 2 (Fly): Hey, Maria sounds like a good girl. You're all set. You got a girl, got a job.
Michael: Yeah. I just need power back in my apartment, d I'll be living the American dream.
Guard 2 (Fly): So, you gonna marry her?
Michael: Maria?
Guard 1- George: Yeah.
Michael: I don't know about marriage, Chico. That's a little bit down the line.
Guard 2 (Fly): Yeah. Hey, mike.
Michael: Mm-hmm, yeah.
Guard 2 (Fly): I don't think you should say, "Chico." You really don't pull it off.
Michael: Right. Yeah. [Michael notices Karl on the monitors- he is coming towards the guard booth]
Michael: Red alert! [Whispering]
Guard 1 (Monk): is this straight? ST>Good evening, sir. Can I be of some assistance?
Karl: It's come to my attention that there has been a serious security breach here at Meta-Chem. ST>What kind of breach?
Karl: Theft! Someone broke into the company cafeteria and made off with a substantial amount of peach Snapple. Several cases, in fact. The food service manager seems to think it's an inside job. What do you think we should do about this, Mr.., Uh... Guerin?
Michael: I think we should get right on it, sir. Where should we start?
 [Karl finds a Snapple cap]
Karl: I think that the first thing you should all do is clean out your lockers. You're all fired.
 
[Michael and Maria are in Michael's apartment]
Michael: So somebody steals a case of Snapple, and what do they do? They blame the little guy. They point the finger at the people at the bottom of the ladder, the people who are actually working for a living.
Maria: You actually worked?
Michael: We screwed around a lot, but let me tell you something, nobody got in or out of that plant without us knowing about it. We had that place wired tight! Meta-Chem was lucky to have people like us on duty.
[Maria opens the fridge and sees the Snapple]
Michael: Ok, so technically i stole it, but they didn't know that.
Maria: Right.
Michael: Karl fired us because he only thought one of us took it.
Maria: But you did take it.
Michael: That's not the point.
Maria: Ok, tell me the point again.
Michael: That corporate America sucks.
Maria: All right. So, I'm assuming I'm gonna have to keep paying for dinner and supplying the kerosene to light the apartment?
Michael: I'll get another job.
Maria: Uh-huh. Now, what did other guys say about this happening?
Michael: What other guys?
Maria: Your coworkers, skunk and flea.
Michael: Monk and fly.
Maria: Whatever. Did they at least stick up for you?
Michael: No. They were fired, too.
Maria: What?!
Michael: We all got fired.
Maria: Wait. You got the whole department fired?
Michael: Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired. We all drank of the Snapple.
Maria: Wait, "drank of the Snapple." When did we get on biblical terrain here?
Michael: I'm not going to take the blame for this whole thing.
Maria: But it's your fault. You acted irresponsibly. Now everyone's unemployed.
Michael: I gotta get some fresh air.
 [Michael runs into Steve filling out an application in the minimart]
Michael: Steve.
Steve: Hey.
Michael: Sorry about what happened. I didn't know Karl would blow a gasket like that.
Steve: It's over. So...
Michael: You applying for the clerk job?
Steve: Apparently.
Michael: Isn't it like half as much as much as we were making at Meta-Chem?
Steve: Gotta feed the wife and kids.
Michael: Yeah, really. That's an expression, right? Feed the wife and kids?
Steve: Didn't you see the picture on my desk? Cheryl? The kids?
Michael: Yeah. I guess, but I thought she was your girlfriend. And I thought the kids were your brother and sister or your... Your nephew.
Steve: I've gotta get over to burger hut. There's a job working the drive-thru. See you, mike.
Michael: Hey, Steve. I'm sorry, man.
Steve: That doesn't help me, mike. 
[Liz is serving some diners their food, and the alien painting on the wall starts waving- words come out of its mouth in a cartoon saying "I'm in the kitchen"]
Liz: Orbit rings?
Liz: Um... Galaxy sub.
Liz: Um... Asteroid salad.
Liz: Oh, uh... Worf wrap.
Liz: Is everything good here for you guys?
Liz: Good. That's great. I'll be right back with your drinks.
[Liz meets Max in the kitchen- they embrace]
Liz: Hi!
Max: God, i miss you. 
Liz: This is so insane. My dad's right outside.
Max: I know. I saw him.
Liz: I miss you so much.
Max: Listen. Friday. Midnight. I want you to meet me. Dress warm.
Liz: Why?
Max: You'll see.
Liz: You have to go. Come on.
Max: Yeah.
Mr. Parker: Liz?
Liz: Come on!
Max: Midnight. Friday.
Liz: Ok!
[Max runs out the door]
Mr. Parker: Liz!
Liz: Yeah?
Mr. Parker: Where'd you go?
Liz: Uh, nowhere. I was just taking out the trash. [Ding]
Liz: that must be mine.
 [Kyle is sitting at the counter eating and Isabel comes up]
Kyle: Hey.
Isabel: Hello. You're probably wondering what you saw in the convenience store the other day.
Kyle: Nah. A stone unobserved is a stone--
Isabel: is this Buddhist?
Kyle: Yes.
Isabel: Could you not?
Kyle: 'K.
Isabel: Thank you. His name is Jesse Ramirez. He's my boyfriend.
Kyle:  Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I seen that guy leaving your father's office?
Isabel: Yeah. He works for my father.
Kyle: As an assistant?
[Laughs]
Isabel: as a lawyer.
Kyle: So he's, like, 22, 23?
Isabel: 26.
Kyle: 26?! That's a problem.
Kyle: Well, uh... Just out of curiosity, have you...
Kyle: Have you...Told Jesse about your secret identity?
Isabel: No.
Isabel: No. Max and Michael would never agree to letting anybody else in on the secret. I guess the truth of the matter is i sort of love Jesse not knowing. It's...Like we're this normal couple.
Kyle: Nothing's ever easy, is it?
Isabel: Nope. But, hey, I'm actually glad that you found out. It's kind of nice to talk about it. 
Kyle: No Problem
Isabel: And Kyle....if you tell anybody, I'll be forced to use my formidable alien powers on you
Kyle: Cool. Cool. My day's never truly complete until my life's been threatened by an alien, so...
Isabel: No problem. Ok, bye.
[Chuckles]
Kyle: wait, wait, wait. Um... Good for you. I mean, max has Liz, and Michael has Maria, and you never really had that, so... Good for you.
Isabel: Thanks, Kyle.
 
[Max and Michael are staring at the Snapple]
Max: So you're gonna return the Snapple?
Michael: Yeah.
Max: You think that's gonna get you your job back?
Michael: You got a better idea?
Max: Why don't you just go get more hours at the Crashdown?
Michael: Because that's not what it's about, max. It's about the principle of it.
Max: You stole the Snapple, Michael. How could it be about principle?
Michael: Because it's not fair to ruin one person's life over a few bottles of Snapple.
Max: And this is ruining your life?
Michael: Not mine. This guy at work, Steve he's a killjoy, and he got fired along with the rest of us. Turns out he's got a wife and kids.
Max: I see.
Michael: Which isn't my fault. I mean, why should i worry about it? If he takes it upon himself to marry someone and then knock her up before he's got a decent job, how is that my problem?
Max: It isn't.
Michael: So why do I feel like this?
Max: Like what? 
[Sighs]
Michael: I don't know.
Max: Like you care?
Michael: Yeah. It's weird. See, there's you and Isabel, and you guys are like family. And then there's Maria, and she's... Ah, she's Maria. And besides that, I've never had this feeling. But these guys...
Michael: It's cool. We can hang, and we talk, and we laugh, and it's like, uh... They're...
Max: Friends.
Michael: Something like that.
Michael: Anyways, i gotta go.
Max: Wait. Uh... You're gonna return them now?
Michael: Yeah. I'm gonna break in and put the Snapple back behind the fridge.
Max: Oh. And then what? 
Michael: Then I'm gonna call 'em, and I'm gonna tip 'em off. Anonymously. And when they realize that nobody stole the Snapple and it was all just a big misunderstanding, they have no choice but to give our jobs back.
Max: Michael, what you're about to do is not a plan. It's not an idea. It's something you think about in your mind, and then you come up with something... Better.
Michael: Yeah. I don't have anything better. 
[Michael uses his powers to break into the lab- while putting the Snapple back, he watches Karl take something out of a vault and pass it to a guard]
Michael: Karl's a thief.
 [Jim comes home and Kyle is waiting up like a parent]
Kyle: Where were you?
Jim: I was out. Just out.
Kyle:. Have you been drinking?
Jim: No. Well, a couple beers.
Kyle: That's terrific, dad. That's part of your new business plan?
Jim: Actually...It is. Listen, uh... I want you to keep an open mind about this. The, uh... I know it's not exactly what you maybe had in mind... ok, but I'm telling you, this is something I really believe in.  
Jim: Our first performance is tomorrow night. Be great if you were there.
Kyle: [reading] "The country stylings of Jim Valenti and the kit-shickers."
Kyle: Ha ha ha. How much does this pay?
Jim: Oh, not very much at first, but see, we get a percent of the door, but it's gonna take us a little while to build up an audience.
Kyle: Right. Right. Build up an audience. What are you thinking? This is your big business plan? This is it? I've been working my ass off every day at a job i hate, and this is your big idea. Dad, we're behind on the mortgage, but I'm sure the mortgage company will calm down once they realize that all you gotta do is build up an audience. Have you even looked at those bills?
Jim: Kyle, I'm sorry.
Kyle: Dad, don't apologize. That's not even what i want. I know that when you lost your job as sheriff, that... It... Really screwed with your head, and I have a lot of sympathy for that. I do. But...[Sighs] I'm not--I'm not the parent here. And I can't keep our heads above water much longer. So... All I'm saying is that... You know what I'm saying. Good night, dad.
 [Michael is talking to the guards] 

Guard 2 (Fly): How's he getting away with it? Every square inch of the place is being taped 24-7.

Guard 3 (George):
Think, little man. Karl's got the master security card, so he can turn the cameras on and off whenever he feels like it.
Guard 1 (Monk): What do you think he was stealing?
Michael: I didn't get a good look at it, but they do all kinds of genetic research in that lab.
Guard 1- Monk: I bet it was the cancer vaccine. All the big corporations have one just sitting on the shelf doing nothing. They don't put it on the market, 'cause there's too much money in cancer treatment, you know? Same thing with aids, tuberculosis, legionnaires' disease, measles, scabies.
Guard 1- George: Monk, are you wasted, man?
Guard 1- Monk: No. Maybe. Leave me alone. You don't know what it's like workin' at burger hut. Fries, no fries, extra ketchup, no ketchup. I need an escape.
Michael: It doesn't matter what's in the vial. What matters is that Meta-Chem's head of security is stealing from the company. We expose him, show the company that the man who fired us is the actual thief, and we got a chance of getting our jobs back.
Guard 1- Monk: How do we get the goods on Karl?
Michael: We catch him in the act.
Guard 2 (Fly): What, break in?
Michael: Yeah.
Guard 3 (George): No, see, that sounds a bit too risky for a black man.
Guard 1 (Monk): What does Steve say?
Michael: He didn't return my phone calls.
Guard 1 (Monk): Well, you guys do what you want, but you can count me out.
Guard 3 (George): I'm with monk.
Guard 2 (Fly): Me, too, Chico. 
Michael: Do you guys know why we were fired?
Guard 2 (Fly): Yeah. Cause you took the Snapple dude.
Michael: No, who fires an entire shift over Snapple? Nobody.
Michael: Karl needed to fire an entire security shift so he could steal whatever it is he's stealing from the company. We were easy targets. That's why we were fired. Karl made us out to look like incompetent fools, and that's what the world's gonna think of us if we don't do something about it. Used to be i didn't care about that. Turns out I do. So, yeah, we stole the Snapple. But you know what? We did our jobs well. And that's why i say we have no choice here but to screw Karl.
Guard 2 (Fly): All right. I'm with you. Let's screw Karl.
Guard 3 (George): I'm there.
Guard 1 (Monk): Screw Karl, man.
Guard 3 (George): So... What's the plan?
 
[The guards break in, and Michael climbs into an air shaft, as the plan is voiced over the action]
Michael: Ever since he fired us, Karl's been working the nights all alone. The longer he delays hiring a new crew, the more freedom he has. But the truth is, one man can't watch everything. The trick will be to make him think everything's right on schedule, that nothing has changed... When in reality everything has changed. He's not alone tonight. Tonight he's got the entire graveyard shift to deal with. 
[Michael uses a remote camera to film Karl stealing]

Guard 1 (Monk): Got the shot. 
[the VCR eats the tape]

Guard 2 (Fly): Problem, dude.
Guard 1 (Monk): Well, hurry up and fix it, man.
[Ring]
[phone rings]
Guard 1 (Monk): hello? 
Sheriff: This is the Sheriff Hanson.. We received a signal that the security system had been tampered with.
Guard 1- Monk: Nope. Everything's ok here.
Sheriff: What's the password today?
Guard 1- Monk: Password?
[Creaking in the ceiling as Karl looks up- Michael falls thru]
Michael: hey, Karl.
Karl: Gweerin, what the hell are you doing?
Michael: It's Guerin. I just thought I'd drop in.
Karl: You know, I wonder if the police are gonna think you're so funny.
Michael: Go ahead and call 'em. I have a nice videotape to show 'em.
Karl: What are you talking about?
Michael: I got you breaking into the lab, stealing a sample, and passing it off to the janitors.
Karl: Well, that's too bad. If you had said it was gonna be your word against mine, I could have just thrown cuffs on you and called the cops, but I guess it's not gonna be that simple.
 [Karl takes out his gun and points it at Michael]
Karl: Where is that videotape?
Michael: You got to think about what you're doing, Karl.
Karl: I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm confronting an intruder in the middle of the night. And fearing for my own safety and believing the intruder to be armed, I drew my weapon, and I was forced to shoot him.
Michael: I'm not alone, you know. I got help.
Karl: I don't think so. I think you are here alone, and I think you're gonna tell me where that videotape is right w!
Michael: Ok, ok, ok! I'll tell you. Ok, the tape... The tape... Is in...
 
[Michael uses his power to pull down more of the ceiling- it falls on them and Karl drops the gun, but gets it back]
Sheriff: Now, what i want you to do right now is put the gun down nice and slow.
Sheriff: Good. Now, we're all gonna take a trip down to the station.
Michael: Before we do that, there's a videotape you should see.
 [Everyone is in the control room, and the tape is out of its case and messed up]
Sheriff: Well, boys, if this is all you got, it ain't much.
Michael: Let me take a look at that. [Michael uses his powers to rewind and fix the tape]
Karl: These clowns are disgruntled former employees who broke in and stole company property.
Michael: Uh, you know what? I think I got it.
Guard 2 (Fly): Hey, how'd you do that?
Michael: I used to work in a video store. 
Karl: I'm not gonna say anything without an attorney.
Michael: Don't worry, Karl. We'll let management know what happened. [Guys laugh]
Sheriff: I'm gonna need statements from all you guys, but we shouldn't leave this plant unguarded all night.
Michael: No problem. We'll finish our shift, come down to the station.
Sheriff: Fine. See you in the morning.
Sheriff: [Arresting Karl] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you... 
Guards congratulate Michael- Yeah! Yeah! Good work, huh? Good work. Good work. 
[Scene switches to Max and Liz on a high wall]
Liz: So...What is this? No! Max, no!
Max: Trust me. Trust me. Don't you want someone who can make all your dreams come true?
Liz: Yeah, I guess I do.
Max: Then come on, Lois. Let's go. 
[Max lifts himself and Liz onto a hang glider, and uses his power to push them off- they fly away]
 
[Band tunes up] 

Jim: good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jim Valenti, and we are the kit-shickers.
Waitress: Are you 21?
Kyle: Does it matter in here?
Waitress: All that matters in here is paying rent on that bar stool.
Kyle: Just--just give me a coke. [Mic feedback]
Kyle: I may need that beer after all.
Jim: 2...1. [Music starts- back up singers sing with Jim] if I had a million dollars- if I had a million dollars i'd buy you a house - i would buy you a house - and if I had a million dollars - if I had a million dollars - i'd buy you furniture for your house - maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman - and if I had a million dollars - if I had a million dollars - i'd buy you a k-car - a nice, reliant automobile - and if I had a million dollars both: I'd buy your love - if I had a million dollars - i'd build a tree fort in our yard - if I had a million dollars - you could help, it wouldn't be that hard - if I had a million dollars - maybe we could put a tiny, little 'frigerator in there... 
[the crowd starts getting into the music as Kyle looks around- he starts clapping with the music-Sound fades away and Kyle is happy] 
 
[Scene switches to Max and Liz coming home- Liz laughs]
Max: Shh, shh, shh! Shh!
Liz: That was just amazing, you know? That was so amazing!
Max: Well, you did say that, like... A dozen times.
Liz: Well, did I say it like this? Or, uh... That? Or, you know... I'm sure i didn't say this. 
[Liz kisses Max]
Max: Well, you do have a way with words.
Liz: Oh. I'd invite you to come upstairs, but...
Max: But if your dad caught us...
Liz: Yeah. Mm-mmm. Mm.
Liz: Good night.
Max: Good night.
 
[Mr. Parker is sitting in the dark half of the room]
Mr. Parker: Did you have fun? Where you been? I'm asking you man to man where you took my daughter in the middle of the night. Be man enough to answer me.
Max: We went to the desert. We didn't do anything wrong.
Mr. Parker: It was wrong for you to see her at all. You know that.
Max: I'm sorry. I love her.
Mr. Parker: I don't give a damn about your love. Because of you, my daughter was arrested for armed robbery. She could've been killed. Did you ever think about that? Tell me you're not dangerous, max. Tell me that being with you doesn't put my little girl's life in jeopardy. Yeah. That's what i thought. So now this is gonna stop. It's gonna stop right now, and you are never to see Liz again. And if you do... If i find out that you so much as sat next to her in class, she'll be on the next plane to Vermont.
Max: Vermont?
Mr. Parker: The Winnaman academy. It's an all-girls boarding school, and her mother and i filled out all the paperwork, and the application was accepted. So all I've got to do is write a check and put Liz on the next plane.
Max: You would do that? You would do that just--
Mr. Parker: just to keep her away from you. Yes, i would. And I will. Good-bye, max.
 
 [Doorbell rings- Michael hands Steve his badge]
Michael: got your job back.
Steve: What?
Michael: Yeah, we broke into Meta-Chem, and we nailed Karl for stealin' stuff. He's in jail.
Steve: Wait, slow down. You broke in?
Michael: Yeah. Found out he was a crook, and we nailed him for it--not just me. Everyone. George, monk, fly.
Steve: You could have gotten arrested. Why'd you do that?
Michael: I don't know. I figured it's my first real job, I'm starting my life, and... You know, I don't want to start off on the wrong foot.
Steve: I'm not sure whether to say thank you or tell you you're a real idiot for doing something so risky.
Michael: Say thank you.
Steve: Thank you, Michael. This means a lot to me and, uh, you know... To my family.
Michael: No problem.
Steve: Hey, listen, um... Maybe we can hang sometime, you know, after work.
Michael: Sure.
Steve: You're a crazy bastard. You know that?
Michael: Welcome to my world.

#302 Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper - Music

Merrick - Infinity *
Scene: When Isabel and Jesse meet in the supermarket, and Kyle catches them unprepared.

not available
Fatboy Slim - Weapon Of Choice
Album: Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars
Scene: Michael and the boys enjoy their shift at Meta Chem.
not available
Stereophonics - Have A Nice Day *
Album: Just Enough Education To Perform (J.E.E.P.)
Scene: This song plays when Liz receives the secret comic message in the Crashdown.
not available
Leona Naess - Promise To Try *
Album: I Tried to Rock You
Scene: When Isabel and Kyle are talking in the Crashdown.
not available
Jim Valenti (William Sadler) & The Kitshickers - If I Had A Million Dollars
Album: Gordon ("If I had $1000000" by Barenaked Ladies)
Scene: Jim Valenti and the band are playing this song in the Cow Patty's.
not available

#302 Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper - Quotes

Added by Kenna

Karl: Okay. Let's cut to the chase, Guerin. You already have a job flipping burgers. Why do you want a second job?
Michael: Well, there are many reasons. Uh... But I think the primary one is... financial.

Kyle: "Your credit rating may be adversely affected by this action." Well, it's nice of them to let us know.

Max: I need a place to crash for a couple days, until I figure something else out.
Michael: So, how does the Chevelle figure into this? Do I get driving privileges?
Max: Yes, Michael.
Michael: The couch is yours.

Isabel: My parents can barely get used to the idea of me dating high-school guys.
You're a 26-year-old lawyer who works for my father, who's...
Jesse: ... who's Latino?
Isabel: You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan.

Karl: Someone broke into the company cafeteria and made off with a substantial amount of peach Snapple. Several cases, in fact. The food service manager seems to think it's an inside job. What do you think we should do about this, Mr.., Uh... Gweerin?
Michael: I think we should get right on it, sir. Where should we start?
Karl: I think that the first thing you should all do is clean out your lockers. You're all fired.

Michael: So somebody steals a case of Snapple, and what do they do? They blame the little guy. They point the finger at the people at the bottom of the ladder, the people who are actually working for a living.
Maria: You actually worked?
Michael: We screwed around a lot, but let me tell you something, nobody got in or out of that plant without us knowing about it. We had that place wired tight! Meta-Chem was lucky to have people like us on duty.

Michael: Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired. We all drank of the Snapple.
Maria: Wait, "drank of the Snapple." When did we get on Biblical terrain here?

Kyle: A stone unobserved is a stone--
Isabel: -- is this Buddhist?
Kyle: Yes.
Isabel: Could you not?
Kyle: 'kay.

Isabel: Kyle....if you tell anybody, I'll be forced to use my formidable alien powers on you.
Kyle: Cool. My day's never truly complete until my life's been threatened by an alien.

Michael: It's weird. See, there's you and Isabel, and you guys are like family. And then there's Maria, and she's... Ah, she's Maria. And besides that, I've never had this feeling. But these guys... it's cool. We can hang, and we talk, and we laugh, and it's like, uh... they're...
Max: Friends.
Michael: Something like that.

Max: Michael, what you're about to do is not a plan. It's not an idea. It's something you think about in your mind, and then you come up with something... better.

Kyle: What are you thinking? This is your big business plan? This is it? I've been working my ass off every day at a job I hate, and this is your big idea. Dad, we're behind on the mortgage, but I'm sure the mortgage company will calm down once they realize that all you gotta do is build up an audience!

Karl: Gweerin, what the hell are you doing?
Michael: It's Guerin. I just thought I'd drop in.
Karl: You know, I wonder if the police are gonna think you're so funny.

Max: Trust me. Trust me. Don't you want someone who can make all your dreams come true?
Liz: Yeah, I guess I do.
Max: Then come on, Loise. Let's go.

Waitress: Are you 21?
Kyle: Does it matter in here?
Waitress: All that matters in here is paying rent on that bar stool.

Mr. Parker: Tell me you're not dangerous, Max. Tell me that being with you doesn't put my little girl's life in jeopardy. [Max remains silent] Yeah. That's what I thought. So now, this is gonna stop. It's gonna stop right now, and you are never to see Liz again. And if you do... If I find out that you so much as sat next to her in class, she'll be on the next plane to Vermont.
Max: You would do that? You would do that just--
Mr. Parker: -- just to keep her away from you. Yes, I would. And I will. Good-bye, Max.

Steve: I'm not sure whether to say thank you or tell you you're a real idiot for doing something so risky.
Michael: Say thank you.

Quote of the Week:

Steve: You're a crazy bastard. You know that?
Michael: Welcome to my world.