MAX: So did you and Maria officially break up?
MICHAEL: I thought so, but the more she says, the more confusing it gets. She wants space, but she still wants me in her life. All I know for sure is I'm not getting any. Let's grab a burger.

ISABEL: So this is how it's gonna look. It's gonna be, like, white lights and clear ornaments and white candles.
MICHAEL: Hail the Christmas Nazi.

MICHAEL: Christmas... it's a load of crap.
JESSE: Are you kidding me? It's a great time. Just mellow out, watch a little football.
MICHAEL: Oh, you'll be watching lots of football.
JESSE: What does he mean by that?

ISABEL: You know, Michael, I, too, was miserable around the holidays until I found my calling.
MICHAEL: Making other people miserable.

SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Did he just say something to you?
MAX: Yeah. He just called me "daddy."
SAMUEL'S MOTHER: That's impossible. My son doesn't talk.

SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Max, I know how people can get around the holidays. My son is autistic. If you want to work with children, you might want to start with someone a little less challenging.
MAX: I don't want to work with children. I want to help your son.

ISABEL: What's that?
JESSE: It's my old stocking.
ISABEL: Oh. Wow. Well, it's, uh, very...Brown.
JESSE: Yeah. I made it myself in kindergarten.
ISABEL: I don't doubt that.

JESSE: You made these? When did you have the time?
ISABEL: Well, actually, it didn't take as long as you would think.

MARIA: All elves do is deal with annoying kids who want to cut the Santa line. I mean, we wanted to make a real contribution, Isabel.
ISABEL: There are no small assignments. Only small volunteers. You two are the smallest I could find for those elves costumes.

SAMUEL'S MOTHER: I'm telling you, he spoke. I heard him speak.
DOCTOR: I know, and that's fantastic, Rebecca, it is. What we need to do now, is figure out exactly what this means.

LIZ: I do trust you. Now let's go ice-skating, and we'll talk about this later.
MAX: Uh... What about tonight?
LIZ: I can't. I'm an indentured elf all through Christmas eve.

KIDS: Elves suck.
LIZ: Do you know that without elves, Santa would be nowhere? We are very proud to be elves.

MICHAEL: Other Santa's in rehab, so Isabel forced me to do this. You know how she gets around the holidays. Bring me a brat, snowflake.

SAMUEL'S MOTHER: Warren, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. There is no way Samuel's gonna sit on Santa's lap if there are those kind of crowds.
SAMUEL'S FATHER: He's not gonna sit on Santa's lap no matter what we do. He's never sat on Santa's lap.

MICHAEL: So, Zeke, what are you asking Santa for this year?
BOY: A raceway 5000.
MICHAEL: Nice choice dude. The raceway 5000 rocks. Give me 5!
MARIA: looks like Michael finally found an age group on his level.

SAMUEL'S FATHER: I've been there... Many times. Max, I know what this must look like to you. Like I've, uh, abandoned my family or something. But there's something you gotta understand. What you've been doing for 2 days, I did for 7 years. I mean, he has spoken before. You know, Rebecca-- she probably didn't tell you that. When he was 4, he said... "Baskin-Robbins." You know, for the ice-cream store? We held on to that for over a year... Just waiting for him to say something else... Or say it again. He, uh, never did. Max, I know what it is that you're trying to do for my son, I do. But I-I'm just afraid that... Whatever it is that you're looking for... It just isn't there.

ISABEL: You've hardly started, and the sequence is all wrong. It's 5 popcorn, 2 cranberries.
JESSE: Hey, if my work isn't good enough, maybe you should get Candy Cane and Snowflake involved.

JESSE: How can we have the perfect Christmas? Everything is too perfect. I mean, it's too planned. I'm breaking out in hives here. I never break out.
ISABEL: But we're starting our Christmas traditions.
JESSE: No. We're starting your Christmas traditions, all of your activities and your decorating and your charity work. I mean, it's great. But what about us? What about just sitting back on the couch and watching some TV and just talking and mellowing out? How about that for a Christmas tradition?

MICHAEL: Wanna fetch me a Snapple?
MARIA: Michael, there's no way that I'm gonna-
MICHAEL: Michael? I'm not Michael. I'm Santa. Paul, don't you think that Snowflake should fetch Santa a Snapple?
KIDS: Of course you should. You're an elf.

KIDS: Santa and Snowflake are kissing!

ISABEL: So...You want me to bring the mother and father into the child's dream?
MAX: Can you?
ISABEL: Max, why do you want me to do this?
MAX: I want Samuel's parents to know their son. Whoever he is in there.

KYLE: All right, here's the thing-- Dad, if you're gonna date women half your age, I suppose I can't stop you, but if you're going to, I have some house rules. I don't wanna know about it. I don't wanna hear about it. I don't wanna see her walking around in the morning half-naked.
JIM: Kyle--
KYLE: I'm not done. It's one thing to get up onstage and make believe you're a rock star, but, Dad, you've taken this whole mid-life crisis thing way too far. The creep factor here is... I'm young. I'm impressionable.

ISABEL: I'm sorry. I've canceled all our appointments for today.
JESSE: You didn't have to.
ISABEL: We've seen enough of my way of Christmas. Now I wanna see your way.

LIZ: Should I worry?
MAX: No. I saw Samuel this morning with his family, and... It made me realize something-- that you, Liz... You're my family.

Quote of the Week:

LIZ: Max, maybe there's some other reason that he reached out to you. He spoke to you. He obviously senses that you're different. Maybe he's trying to say something, and he's looking for help to say it.