Karl: Okay. Let's cut to the chase, Guerin. You already have a job flipping burgers. Why do you want a second job?
Michael: Well, there are many reasons. Uh... But I think the primary one is... financial.

Kyle: "Your credit rating may be adversely affected by this action." Well, it's nice of them to let us know.

Max: I need a place to crash for a couple days, until I figure something else out.
Michael: So, how does the Chevelle figure into this? Do I get driving privileges?
Max: Yes, Michael.
Michael: The couch is yours.

Isabel: My parents can barely get used to the idea of me dating high-school guys. You're a 26-year-old lawyer who works for my father, who's...
Jesse: ... who's Latino?
Isabel: You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan.

Karl: Someone broke into the company cafeteria and made off with a substantial amount of peach Snapple. Several cases, in fact. The food service manager seems to think it's an inside job. What do you think we should do about this, Mr.., Uh... Gweerin?
Michael: I think we should get right on it, sir. Where should we start?
Karl: I think that the first thing you should all do is clean out your lockers. You're all fired.

Michael: So somebody steals a case of Snapple, and what do they do? They blame the little guy. They point the finger at the people at the bottom of the ladder, the people who are actually working for a living.
Maria: You actually worked?
Michael: We screwed around a lot, but let me tell you something, nobody got in or out of that plant without us knowing about it. We had that place wired tight! Meta-Chem was lucky to have people like us on duty.

Michael: Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired. We all drank of the Snapple.
Maria: Wait, "drank of the Snapple." When did we get on Biblical terrain here?

Kyle: A stone unobserved is a stone--
Isabel: -- is this Buddhist?
Kyle: Yes.
Isabel: Could you not?
Kyle: 'kay.

Isabel: Kyle....if you tell anybody, I'll be forced to use my formidable alien powers on you.
Kyle: Cool. My day's never truly complete until my life's been threatened by an alien.

Michael: It's weird. See, there's you and Isabel, and you guys are like family. And then there's Maria, and she's... Ah, she's Maria. And besides that, I've never had this feeling. But these guys... it's cool. We can hang, and we talk, and we laugh, and it's like, uh... they're...
Max: Friends.
Michael: Something like that.

Max: Michael, what you're about to do is not a plan. It's not an idea. It's something you think about in your mind, and then you come up with something... better.

Kyle: What are you thinking? This is your big business plan? This is it? I've been working my ass off every day at a job I hate, and this is your big idea. Dad, we're behind on the mortgage, but I'm sure the mortgage company will calm down once they realize that all you gotta do is build up an audience!

Karl: Gweerin, what the hell are you doing?
Michael: It's Guerin. I just thought I'd drop in.
Karl: You know, I wonder if the police are gonna think you're so funny.

Max: Trust me. Trust me. Don't you want someone who can make all your dreams come true?
Liz: Yeah, I guess I do.
Max: Then come on, Lois. Let's go.

Waitress: Are you 21?
Kyle: Does it matter in here?
Waitress: All that matters in here is paying rent on that bar stool.

Mr. Parker: Tell me you're not dangerous, Max. Tell me that being with you doesn't put my little girl's life in jeopardy. [Max remains silent] Yeah. That's what I thought. So now, this is gonna stop. It's gonna stop right now, and you are never to see Liz again. And if you do... If I find out that you so much as sat next to her in class, she'll be on the next plane to Vermont.
Max: You would do that? You would do that just--
Mr. Parker: -- just to keep her away from you. Yes, I would. And I will. Good-bye, Max.

Steve: I'm not sure whether to say thank you or tell you you're a real idiot for doing something so risky.
Michael: Say thank you.

Quote of the Week:

Steve: You're a crazy bastard. You know that?
Michael: Welcome to my world.